- Posted August 10, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Your 'Aha' weight-loss moments
My Healthy Journey to Losing 200 Pounds and Giving Myself my Life Back
When I was at my heaviest I always would look at before and after pictures of other people and longed to have that success to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I can say now that I didn't like myself back then, I didn't like looking at myself and I didn't want others to see me either. I wanted to hide, hide forever.
Food since I can remember has always been my comfort for everything. Wether I was happy, sad, angry, scared, or bored. I ate to feel full, to fill a void I felt, that somehow never got filled. I felt happy for a bit while I was eating but then I felt guilty. I used my body as a shield from getting my heart broken again, from people making fun of me, looking at me and judging me. I thought I'm already fat what else can people tell me. While I'm fat no guy can break my heart because they won't even bother with me. This self destructive thoughts ran through my mind for years. I knew I wasn't fully happy and I knew I wanted to lose weight but I always let my life take control. I had excused for why I couldn't lose weight, why I didn't have time and how I just didn't see myself ever being thin.
I always thought this is how God made me, to be fat and my sister thin. I had given up and I had resigned myself to being the way I was and remain alone. As much as my weight was causing me many medical issues and chronic pain I kept it all to myself. I was embarrassed and didn't want to bother my family or anyone else with my issues. I love to help people and I gave my whole heart and time to everyone else, always, but never to myself. Wether I was hurting, tired or just had to much on my plate I would say yes. Even if that meant not sleeping, skipping meals or continuously being stressed.
A little over three years ago I was sitting in my office at my previous job. Thinking about how I loved my job and how this was the career I wanted to be in. I was happy professionally but personally I was broken, I was sad, lonely and lost. Then it hit me that to be fully happy I needed to take care of myself. I know the concept seems obvious but when you are a person that gives and gives and is always there for others you sometimes get lost in that world. It was so easy for me to forget about myself.
I knew I wouldn't be around for much longer in the state I was in. I still wanted to do so much in my life. I wanted to find my love, I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to get married, have children. I wanted to get a dog, to run a race, travel, walk into any clothing store and fit into whatever I wanted, to sit in a chair without worrying that it would buckle under me. The list was long and I knew something had to change and quick!
I logged into my work computer and saw the department announcements. There was a Biggest Loser type competition for the staff that was starting that week. I thought "I'm doing this!" I signed up as scared as I was. I even emailed the staff member that was leading it to ask how much the scale they were using could read. She told me 450 pounds and I thought ok I think I should be fine. I went to the first weigh in and for the first time I let someone else see how much I weighed and for the first time I saw the biggest number I had seen in my life. At 5' 2 I was over two times the healthy weight for my height and age.
I got home and cried. I cried for a long time because I thought "wholly crap what have I done!!!" "When in the hell did I let this happen and how in the hell am I going to do this!?" I felt more alone than I ever felt, but reminded myself i was strong and knew I could do this. I have always put my whole heart into everything I have done. Even with all the struggles I have dealt with in my life I have been strong. When you grow up in a working class family, without a car, and several family issues you learn to be strong no matter what, because to not be was not an option.
I was going to tackle this the same way. I began my healthy journey on July 22, 2010. It has been one of the hardest, challenging, and most rewarding experiences of my life. I have learned to love myself again. I have done a lot of reflecting and forgiving of myself and others. I have cried, yelled and fallen many times in these past three years but every single time I have gotten up and kept going. When I wanted to give up I just reminded myself of everything I wanted to still do in my life and of how much I had accomplished. I still struggle and there are days when food still wins, when I see myself in the mirror and I still see the Rosi from three years ago, when I still can't believe I am as small as I am now.
Now three years into my journey and 200 pounds lighter I am 20 pounds from my goal :) I have grown so much, and have most importantly given myself my life back. I have given myself a second chance and I plan to love myself now and forever :) I have given love a second chance, and see the world in a different way. I walk a little faster and lighter and with a smile that no one can crush like before.
The number one thing that worked for me this time was the support I received from my closest friends and family. I have thanked many of you individually for everything you have done for me but I know I have not gotten around to everyone, I will :) The incredible support and encouragement was what kept me going and not give up when I was too tired or I didn't see a change. The cheers I have gotten through this journey from my Lose It family have been incredible as well. Such an amazing community :) the praises from strangers at the gym reinforced that what I was doing was working. I will forever be thankful to every single person that has touched me in one way or another through this amazing journey.
I am full of life at almost 30 years old, I have discovered for the first time the real beauty of this world, and my bucket list has grown exponentially since and Im excited for whats to come :)
I have discovered dreams do come true :) Dream big and it will happen. Every dream we have can be accomplished if you truly believe in it. Some will take lots of work but when you reach them it will be the most amazing feeling ever!
Love yourself always :)