- Posted August 20, 2013 by
Deer Park, Washington
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
The Living Tragedy
A month or so ago I was in a real bad way. We were in the process of losing our home. It seemed all the bad had come and crushed me. Had I known at that time what I had known today I may have very well given up. Through trauma after trauma from sexual abuse to physical abuse to mental abuse I have experienced quite a lot. But I manage to keep my chin up.
I remember the time my uncle sexually abused me and for years and years it all felt like a dream. But the damage had been done and I did not know where to go. People don't understand why I am so distant in person yet I can sit down and write and it feels like home.
I remember the first uncle overdosing and it hit me hard. I had worked so hard that summer so I could try out for the football team and I made it. I was 13 and bought all my own gear and everything I needed to join the team. I commemorated that year for my uncle. We won the city championship.
Then my freshman year in hospital my cousin, who was not all the way there. I had never realized what mental illness was but he was always rough with other people and he even got to the point of skinning his dog. He decided to drive down by the Spokane River and use a shotgun against his head.
Years would go by and of course as many know I was in and out of the home many times in the winter with no where to go and sometimes with only my underwear on. I never thought much of it because I just did not realize mental illness even existed. Yet we were the perfect family to look at. I tried my hand at college and my mom said I could live at home but just days before college started she would throw me out. My wife and I have deduced that she is a very jealous person and if someone might do any ounce of good in the world then she would sabotage it.
I got married to a woman when I was 20 and worked hours upon hours because she lived in a 2 bedroom duplex with three children and I believed they needed a yard. So I got them that yard and she got to go off welfare. We worked hard to make it work but she drank and I drank and things just did not workout. I have been arrested twice the first time was by my own parents and it was because I was taking my car out for a drive. I was 18 but because their need for control they would not allow me to take it. They tried to get me on car theft but the judge laughed at that and said no he was not stealing your car since you let him use it on various other occassions. They always told me if I had ever called Child Protective Services they would get out and make me pay for it. Although CPS would of been much better and my brother might still be here today.
Well my grandfather and grandmother both passed away from terminal illnesses in the mid 2000's about the same time my wife and I divorced and I was arrested the 2nd time because dummy me called the police when I was drunk yeah well in Washington State someone has to go to jail. I can say I never laid one hand on her and treated her like gold our divorce was not because of abuse it was because she wanted to sleep with someone else.
Well before my grandfathers death my other uncle committed suicide. Then my grandfather passed away then I sat by my grandmothers bedside for 2 weeks to just be there for her and not one other person showed up to visit her. I couldn't believe it. I contracted MRSA from her and in 2010 I almost lost my eyes, my friend lost his leg, my wife also contracted it. Then I went to work for a company that had hookers and pimps coming in and stealing from all the residents or getting them to overdose and 4 days later I would find their bodies. I guess the best part of that is at least someone would find them to say a little prayer for them.
Then later in 2010 my cousin committed suicide along with my brother who hung himself and all I can think about is the childless children. It all weighs on me and I bear a lot of blame and went to counselor after counselor.
In 2011 I was given one gift other than my 2nd wife and that is a little girl she is amazing and I look at her and see all the great wonders of the world. She is beautiful and she wants to learn so much so I stay at home and its hard as hell but worth it. Yeah at times we cant pay the bills on time but we have love. Yeah at times we cant make the house payment but my little girl has a big backyard. I look back in 2009 my parents won $250k in the powerball. But I wouldnt trade any of that money for the love I have with these two girls.
Now the day before yesterday a woman who lived in Nova Scotia who helped me quite a lot with my PTSD was found murdered a month ago she was stabbed to death. I hadn't talked to her because I thought she was just having a busy summer I didnt think the absolute worse had happened. Then maybe some of you have heard of Talia Joy? She was a spokegirl for a cosmetics company but I have a supports list on facebook and it has 100's of children that I can leave a positive message too and tell them about my little girl. But she passed away and then another little boy who had diastomy? He passed away yesterday. It seems at times it never ends. But the support list I know helps children and just having a buddy they can talk too and it always comes back to my little girl.
I know what happened to Tara was not my fault. But with PTSD it doesn't have to be your fault. The triggers sit there and they pop up. My own mental illness may be inherited or it may be acquired I have no idea. I just do the best I possibly can with what I have.
I have started reading physics more and learning a programming language because it seems to put me at ease knowing I am learning something that is useful. I am like a sponge when it comes to learning stuff but being out of the job market so long it is rough trying to get back into it and I live out of town so I have to be here for my little girl plus I really enjoy teaching her new things. I may seem like a distant horrible person but I am really not in fact just the opposite and I have common sense. I am very much a realist who is in love with nature. I love riding on two wheels in the open air but it has been a while since I have done that. But that is ok I get to raise and love the best little girl I know. Tara and I would talk about our babies because they were close in age. I will miss my friend she was a solid person.
Although because of previous Ireports and letters written to President Obama about my fireman friend who passed away from cancer he sent his wife a letter and his children as well. President Obama tried helping in a lot of ways for us but we fall in a crack a lot of Americans do so we are not alone that is for sure.
I really feel like the living tragedy. It seems the people I come in contact with end up dying though and one counselor said he had never seen anything like it. If I breathe on flowers they wilt.