How do you know that all you have worked for is really what you need? I'm not talking about my work life, my social life or even my family life. I am talking about my life and living with a life threatening illness. So many tests and bouts of self doubt followed by the doctors who tell you "it's too rare" or "you are just fat". Why is it so hard for others to believe we feel so sick? Yet, we know we are and still self doubt. Test after test shows positive results for a terrible illness, yet we doubt even those at times. Do I really I have Cushing's? Is this all in my mind like some of the doctors have said? It is the nature of the disease to create self doubt. It's a survival mechanism for the tumors, Fred (I named my tumors...) wants to live.

How do we come to grips with what is? You never think you are going to get to this point. It is the point in time when a cure is close. It's a radical surgery or gamma knife. In some cases, high doses of chemicals can help. It comes like a thief in the night, leaving you scared and doubting. We have spent years, in some cases, on this journey. Suddenly, it's almost over and we are left scared of what is and what will be. We have grown used to the pain, the teeth that break on crackers, the mental problems, and the way others look at us. The muscle aches, growing waist, and eye sight problems are there, but we have survived them. Now some doctor wants us to trade all this for something we know nothing about. They want us to trade OUR Cushing's for their Addison's? One disease that is life threatening for one that is controllable most times? How is that even remotely a cure?

All these things go through my mind and many of them are not rational. There is nothing rational about this entire illness, so why should the cure be any different? Ah, the magic word 'cure' is the mythical place we all long for that scares the crap out of us when we get close. Humans being made as they are, certainly are scared of the unknown and change. That mythical state of a cure is no different. Remember, nothing is rational here. We have to fight through the self doubt, the doubt of medical staff and sometimes family. We have to be partners with our medical teams to reach that place where life is Cushing's free. We have to do it not over days or weeks, but months and sometimes years, while we try to hold on to our sanity. Through this all we have to wonder, how do we know we have made the right choices or have the right choices been made for us?

Call it an educated guess, or years of experience on my staff of doctors. All I know is my amazing journey has brought me to this point in time. It has brought me to the team of doctors who, with skill and divine guidance, can cure my Cushing's forever. I can trade my life of Cushing's for a life of manageable Addison's. The choice would seem very clear in a rational mind, but we all know there is nothing rational about this process. Many of you are living or have lived where I am today. You understand what it is like where many do not or cannot want to know. Ignorance was bliss until I woke up with Cushing's.

So how do I trust that the right choices where made? How do I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing? It's simply a leap of Faith. I trust those I have surrounded myself with. I trust the doctors, my friends, and my family that they would not let me make the wrong choices. I trust in the power of prayer and I trust in the power of modern medicine. Most of all, I trust that God has led me on a wonderful journey through a terrible illness. A journey that has changed my life, forever. A journey that has taught me that even in the worst of times, if I keep the faith and a Can Do Attitude, there is always a way to make it through. There is always more than one answer to a problem, more than one ending to a story and even nightmares can have happy endings.