- Posted December 30, 2013 by
Little Rock, Arkansas
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Does marijuana help you?
The Illusion of Normalcy
I used to be a heavy pot smoker. Infact, I used to live, eat and breath cannabis.
Growing up in a broken home, raised by a single mother supporting 3 children, we practically raised ourselves. Not to say that my mother was a bad parent, she did the best she could and had to work extensive hours to provide for us.
Growing up, I always had this sense of impending doom which caused severe anxiety. I would self medicate with marijuana starting at the age of 12. Life seemed hopeless and had no meaning. I would go through the day to day grind in a foggy haze with no hope of emerging.
I would have brief moments of clarity on occasion where life didn't seem so bad and actually managed to have fun a time or two. During those brief moments of clarity I decided not to smoke because it seemed irrelevant.
Living in a small town that required skill sets to obtain a job and noone willing to hire if you didn't have a skillset (catch 22) I turned to selling marijuana for a source of income. I tried to justify my actions by telling myself I was helping people with their misery. I now know that it was very wrong for me to profit from the misery of others. This went on until I was about 19 years old.
At that time, I was able to get a job at the company my mom worked for and was able to commute to work with her. Despite the fact that I was earning an honest and decent living, I continued to smoke to alleviate stress and to maintain a sense of normalcy. When I was high I had a carefree mentality and my anxiety/depression didn't seem to bother me.
About a year later our home had forclosed and my family was torn asunder. My mother was using this as a reason to shed her co-dependent children and it displaced all of us. I wound up homeless and was doing what I had to do to survive. With the assistance of some loving yet manipulative family members, I was able to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach for a while.
Despite the fact that I was in dire need of income I didn't go back to dealing. I didn't want to be a drug dealer anymore.
After I wore out my welcome, I was taken in by some friends of mine. They gave me a job and a place to stay. Unfortunately, the job only covered my stay and did not provide any income. Carless and without hope, I was told that I need to move on.
I contemplated suicide. I had attempted it a few times prior, but this time I would be sure to finish the job. Two days before I was back on the street a family member called me and took me in. Ever since my life has been great. I was able to obtain an education, a car, a future...
It didn't take long for me to fall back into the wrong crowd and started smoking once again.
I lasted a year and a half without smoking and it was the best time of my life. I saw the world through a new pair of eyes and appreciated life so much more. The reason I started to smoke again was to fit in and make friends in this foreign state.
About six months ago I was arrested on a possession charge. My registration was expired and he could smell weed in the car. After further investigation, he found a back pack with an ounce of hydroponic marijuana in it that I honestly didn't know was in my car. I admited to smoking, because we smoked a blunt on our way to a restaurant for dinner. Turns out, that "friend" was a dealer and placed what I thought was her purse in my back seat. After the arrest I have not touched, smelled or even thought about weed.
All of what I said was leading to this, the pinnacle of my life. I have been sober for 6 months and am doing rather well for myself. I cut ties with all of the negative influence in my life and am in the process of opening my own business.
So, no, I do not condone marijuana nor would I endorse it's legalization. It is a scapegoat that robs people of their potential, making them lazy and complacent.