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    Posted January 12, 2014 by
    Madison, South Dakota
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    First Person: Your essays

    Heavy in South Dakota

    As a teenager I was average weight and I would say considered pretty. I married young and had my first child at 16 & second at 17, third at 21. I gained some weight and had a hard time taking it off. I was never as thin as I had been before children. I did get down to 130 and felt good about my self. I grew up with a mother who was the ultimate junk food junky and many a nights when we had little money it was do you want ice cream for dinner or regular food and it was always ice cream that was chosen. What kid wouldn't chose ice cream. There was not a lot of talk about a healthy diet. It became a award to be able to eat junk. If you dieted you were being punished. I did diet thou and would lose weight and then would always gain it back. I did it all. Weight watchers, Atkins, you name it I did it. I started to put more and more on and felt as thou I was out of control and did not like my self very well and on top of that I would get comments from my husband like are you sure you should be eating that or isn't that to much ? I was embarrassed that he said things and for some reason it just made me want to eat more. I finally reached 238 and am only 5' 31/2 inches tall. I finally had the last straw when I went to church one Sunday and a older woman said to me who had not seen me for a few months" boy you have gained so much weight I hardly recognized you. She said this in the middle of the church with several people within hearing distance. I wanted to crawl under a pew and hide and felt like breaking into tears. In stead I stopped going to church most Sundays and started staying home more. I had been hearing about stomach stapling and decided that was for me. I saw the doctor & set it up. My husband was not happy with my decision because of the heath risks. Did I tell you he is a health nut with food? Also thin at that time. I was told that death was a risk but thought it would not happen to me. Besides I disliked myself so much I would have done almost any thing to lose weight. You wonder when people say mean things to you don't they realize you know your fat. You look in the mirror every day , you know your fat. They don't have to tell you. Anyway I had the surgery and it went well. I lost over 90lbs. and loved the way I looked. My confidence came back, I was so proud of my self. I vowed never to let my self get that heavy again. I even convinced a fellow worker how great it was and he was a diabetic. I had heard how it had helped diabetics to even get off insulin at times. Well he had the surgery and was not so lucky. He developed a infection and was in critical condition for over a month and then passed away. I felt so guilty. I felt I had caused his death. It took me a long time to get over that and I have never recommended the surgery to anyone again. Well for the first 7 years I kept most of the weight off. I had put a few pounds on but not much and was told to expect that. About 4 years ago I started to gradually put more on. I am now up to about 45 lbs back on. I don't like the way I look. I am 58 and think I still have a some what pretty face for my age but am getting that double chin back and would not be caught in a swim suite. I no longer shower with my husband or let him see me with the lights on, like I did when I had the weight off. I make attempts at losing again, but it is hard. How much of our lives are consumed with how we look and on what we should and should not eat? I know mine is every day. Some times you just want to throw your hands up and say enough is enough. But when you do that then you really pack on the pounds. I know all the right ways to eat. Believe me I have heard it all. If some one could tell me how to do this and keep it off and not take every moment of my life to be spent on thinking of food. There has to be more to life. I do know that my health is better when I am thinner. I felt better. I know we are suppose to love our selves and I do when it comes to every thing else. I am self fulfilled in every other way. My point is where does a person go from here? How far do we go to find that perfect weight? I don't even have to be perfect. Just not obese. By the way I do know that my husband does love me and he has got better about what he says to me about my weight and he always just tried to help me, but some times we help people more by saying nothing. Hey people we know who we are, the fat ones. I admire the ones that don't let it bother them thou.
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