- Posted January 26, 2014 by
New York, New York
This iReport is part of an assignment:
First Person: Your essays
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I Am An Independent Business Woman Trapped By Codependency
According to Wikipedia, codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
Now after reading that definition of a codependency, you are probably thinking, “How does she fit that description of being a codependent person?” I am codependent because I seek the affections from someone that do not respect me as a person that can think for herself, he thinks that my thoughts, dreams and goals are worthless. Well to be honest I had to separate from my husband because I could not find a way to continue to live with the abuse and the constant controlling nature and the unintentional put downs. Our life together became so unbearable until I would get really depressed when I hear him put his key in the door because I knew when he is home I do not have the will or the determination to do anything creative.
I can remember me struggling to host Open Mics and Talent Showcases alone when I was the President of IN THE VIRTUAL CITY INC and VIRTUAL CITY RADIO, INC, sure I paid people to help me but I needed the help and support from my Husband. My Husband would come to the event and stand behind me not looking happy or even approachable, people noticed that and would often ask if I was in a Domestic Violence situation. How did they know that I was in a Domestic Violence situation just by looking at him stand behind me?
I sometimes look back and wonder why did I stay so long, what was keeping me in a marriage that did not feel like a marriage anymore? I was starting to think I had a low self-esteem but how could that be when I was making money with my business and was able to pay people to work with me? Why was I allowing my Husband to control my thoughts? I think the fact that I was born from a Christian Mother and Father had something to do with me staying in a marriage when I was not happy. I also think that being touched inappropriately by family members and friends of my mother and brothers had something to do with the way I dealt with the controlling situation with my Husband. I would tell my Mother that a family member or family friend touched me and she would say God will deliver them their punishment. When I think about those years I often think I was doing something wrong and that is why he would get mad so I started thinking if I give him more love and affection even buying him suits and shoes would make him happy and he would stop hitting me, but those things did not work in fact it made things worst.
I was born when my Mother way 43 years old and even before I was born people gave her a hard time, said things like she is TOO OLD to give birth, I was not a baby but in fact a tumor. I can remember going to school for the first time and people thought my Mother was my Grandmother because she had gray hair and I was only 5 years old, I repeated that cycle because I gave birth to my son Adonis when I was 42 years old so I guess people will think I am his Grandmother.
I am free from the controlling marriage and able to write articles for Yahoo! Voices and Host shows on BlogTalkRadio once again. It is mind boggling how removing one person from your daily routine opens up a whole new life and a new way of looking at life.