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    Posted April 1, 2014 by
    borisright
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    RESPONSE OF THE EARTHMEN TO THE TAU CETI CHIEF IN CHARGE

     

    April First Joke

     

    Dear Chief!

     

    It appeared that we are still in a prolonged argument with you about what planetary system human being like population is perfect. As a part of our today's correspondence the attached below you will find tranlsated into English report, about our own visit of Tau Ceti (sure, our space partners were first again - business).

     

    But we have already Russian folklore, which is also provided in original language for your independent judgment of the correct understanding of human being concerns. You should have known that this is all stable and basically about sex, drugs and food. Trade and money are already secondary issues. In accordance to our space partners sex is always first and money is second. Our own past heritage cited that well famous: "we do not have sex". Anyway, that is all about the same now. So our popular folklore just steadfastly underlines why we, earthmen, are always ahead of you :-). It even went political, really: every head is counted.

    However, despite the fact that we are still in a winning position, who is the best in the space, could you please not to disclose before that angry public the surveillance by our satelites the world ocean in the way you did recently for our professional anthem. Instead we agree not to annex back in the nearest future our Fort Ross, California. You know, yes, we can. Deal?

     


    LYRICS

     

    In far constellation of Tau Ceti
    Something appeared within knowledge
    We send them a signal - Hi, how are you,
    But they just high-hat, unresponsive

     

    On Tau Ceti
    They live in the beauty,
    All live, by the way very differently
    The reasonable brothers of galaxies.

     

    Here's I'm flying by only beam path,
    Without much care, assigned
    At star Tau Ceti I must appear
    To solve on the spot all the questions

     

    Something on star
    Tau Ceti went wrong,
    The Tau Ceti whole brotherhood
    Got strayed from well known standards.

     

    Anabiosis' applied for long flight
    Meantime Tau Cetians went rowdy,
    I have less and less in contacts with them
    As soon as they got very bully.

     

    Their ABC
    Has not a lot of the words
    Political system’s well bourgeois
    But humor from them is just ugly.

     

    I landed my ship, like my own backside,
    Just slightly got damaged reflector.
    I've shouted in Tau Ceti: "Viva!"
    That means in my Russian: "Hello!"

     

    The looks of Tau Ceties
    comes out deceptive
    We cannot just be so competitive:
    At first they appear then become ambience

     

    To me Tau Cetian, as Papuan to you
    I was this way briefly suggested,
    I shouted: the galaxy is ashamed for you,
    But they in response just have blinked.

     

    On Tau Ceti
    all terms are unlike
    Their atmosphere is even stuffy,
    But all Tau Cetians - friendly

     

    The heat of the moment - I argued uglily
    By interpretator-computer my speech
    Was so literally translated
    That I felt extremely ashamed.

     

    But Tau Cetians
    Are really beasts
    They, probably, found a way to get drunk
    At first they appear then become ambience.

     

    We're brothers by gender, I'm shouted, guys,
    Well here's something my voice broke
    The girl of Tau Ceti I grabbed by breasts,
    Confess before me, you, right now!

     

    She told me
    Go away, says, well, we're ahead,
    We will develop like trees by the buds
    We don't need men for sex intercourse!

     

    I do not remember start up of my ship
    I fly in the mood how soon to get drunk
    The Earth I left for three hundred years
    According to Einstein's theory of relativity.

     

    What if there
    Is Tau Ceti nightmare
    And awfully grown those knowledge,
    What if there no sex anymore and only budding.

     

     

     

    ORIGINAL RUSSIAN LYRICS

     

    В далёком созвездии Тау Кита

    Всё стало для нас непонятно,

    Сигнал посылаем - вы что это там,

    А нас посылают обратно.

     

     

    На Тау Ките

    Живут в красоте,

    Живут, между прочим, по-разному

    Tоварищи наши по разуму.

     

     

    Вот двигаясь по световому лучу,

    Без помощи, но при посредстве,

    Я к Тау Кита этой самой лечу,

    Чтоб с ней разобраться на месте.

     

     

    На Тау Кита
    Чегой-то не так,
    Там таукитайская братия
    Свихнулась по нашим понятиям.

     

    Покамест я в анабиозе лежу,
    Те таукитяне буянят,
    Все реже я с ними на связь выхожу,
    Уж очень они хулиганят.

     

    У таукитов
    В алфавите слов
    Немного и строй буржуазный,
    И юмор у них безобразный.

     

    Корабль посадил я, как собственный зад,
    Слегка покривив отражатель.
    Я крикнул по-таукитянски: "Виват",
    Что значит по-нашему: "Здрасьте".

     

    У таукитян
    Вся внешность обман,
    Тут с ними нельзя состязаться,
    То явятся, то растворятся.

     

    Мне таукитянин, как вам папуас,
    Мне вкратце об них намекнули,
    Я крикнул галактике - стыдно за вас,
    В ответ они чем-то мигнули.

     

    На Тау Ките
    Yсловья не те,
    Тут нет атмосферы, тут душно,
    Но таукитяне радушные.

    В запале я крикнул им - мать вашу, мол,
    Но кибернетический гид мой
    Настолько буквально меня перевел,
    Что мне за себя стало стыдно.

     

    Hо таукиты
    Tакие скоты,
    Наверно, успели набраться,
    То явятся, то растворятся.

    Мы братья по полу, кричу, мужики,
    Ну что-то тут мой голос сорвался,
    Я таукитянку схватил за грудки,
    А ну, говорю, признавайся.

     

    Она мне - уйди, говорит,
    Mол, мы впереди,
    Не хочем с мужчинами знаться,
    А будем теперь почковаться.

     

    Не помню, как поднял я свой звездолёт,
    Лечу в настроеньи питейном,
    Земля ведь ушла лет на триста вперёд
    По гнусной теории Эйнштейна.

     

    Что если и там,
    Как на Тау Кита,
    Ужасно повысилось знанье,
    Что если и там почкованье.

     

    Earthmen in troubles :-)

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