- Posted April 4, 2014 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
I was a DRUNK - Confronting My Alcoholism
It sucked me in.
Cunning. Engaging. …Powerful.
A delicious interruption from life.
What would happen to me if I were to abstain from its far-reaching grasp? Who would I become? What would I do?
With it: I was witty, hilarious … and full of laughter.
It made me pretty, confident … and the life of the party. Right?
I was hooked.
Deceptive. Baffling. …Powerful.
My escape became somewhat real.
I had a glimpse of who I was becoming. I saw the reality of self and its delusion. But wasn’t ready to let go.
It: a numbing liquidity in a bottle.
‘It’ and me - the party, alone in my house. Reaching for more when I had told myself ‘last one’.
I couldn’t breathe.
Grasping. Plotting. …Powerful.
My life in a bottle.
Doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Hurting the ones I love … slow and sly. I could stop if I wanted … but did I?
Me: denial at its best and terrifying at its worst. The lush who pretended to be fine. The girl who cried wolf a few too many times.
I didn’t want it.
Yearning. Selfish. …Powerful.
Living in my mind.
Sleeping late and feeling guilty. My life had become sad … lonely. Yet, it could be full … my loving husband and two incredible little boys. Why couldn’t I see them?
Self: ignoring life and the faces of my family. Swallowed into the abyss, bit-by-bit. Never admitting that I had a problem.
I was terrified.
Cancer. Twice. Powerful.
Supposed to be invincible.
Little Miss Positive. Not revealing my fear … just drowning it with alcohol. Overcoming my cancers with denial and supposed ease … I was just fine. Right, Jesus?
Doctors: a very rare tumor. Surgical removal and rebuilt with mesh and screws. Told my kids I was bionic … came up with that when I was tipsy.
I lived for it.
Ashamed. Alone. …Powerful.
C’mon – what’s one more?
To everyone else, it was obvious. Guzzling multiple beers to their one. I had thought I was a talented little liar.
Others: what do we do? Can we stop her from driving? Mommy - will you come to the beach with us?
I despised it.
God. Admission. …Powerful.
It finally clicked.
I’m an alcoholic. Giving in to what I had known for years … what everyone had known. I had only been fooling myself.
Reality: There’s not one thing I’d miss if I take another drink … but my heart would be hollow. The beautiful, loved existence which I had always longed for … and have … would be gone. My soul would be vacant.
I am present.
Vibrant. Steady. …Powerful.
The darkness becomes light.
Strength belongs to me now. Its’ grasp is within; surrounding my body … engaging itself and planting roots. A Spirit alive.
Power: Transparent and Hopeful. Loved and Genuine. Blessed and Peaceful. That is now. The gratitude I show is through my actions, finding beauty with open eyes … no longer hiding from You.