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    Posted April 4, 2014 by
    mamaleesie
    Location
    Lindstrom, Minnesota
    Assignment
    Assignment
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    First Person: Your essays

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    I was a DRUNK - Confronting My Alcoholism

     

    It sucked me in.
    Cunning. Engaging. …Powerful.
    A delicious interruption from life.
    What would happen to me if I were to abstain from its far-reaching grasp? Who would I become? What would I do?
    With it: I was witty, hilarious … and full of laughter.
    It made me pretty, confident … and the life of the party. Right?

    I was hooked.
    Deceptive. Baffling. …Powerful.
    My escape became somewhat real.
    I had a glimpse of who I was becoming. I saw the reality of self and its delusion. But wasn’t ready to let go.
    It: a numbing liquidity in a bottle.
    ‘It’ and me - the party, alone in my house. Reaching for more when I had told myself ‘last one’.

    I couldn’t breathe.
    Grasping. Plotting. …Powerful.
    My life in a bottle.
    Doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Hurting the ones I love … slow and sly. I could stop if I wanted … but did I?
    Me: denial at its best and terrifying at its worst. The lush who pretended to be fine. The girl who cried wolf a few too many times.

    I didn’t want it.
    Yearning. Selfish. …Powerful.
    Living in my mind.
    Sleeping late and feeling guilty. My life had become sad … lonely. Yet, it could be full … my loving husband and two incredible little boys. Why couldn’t I see them?
    Self: ignoring life and the faces of my family. Swallowed into the abyss, bit-by-bit. Never admitting that I had a problem.

     

    I was terrified.
    Cancer. Twice. Powerful.
    Supposed to be invincible.
    Little Miss Positive. Not revealing my fear … just drowning it with alcohol. Overcoming my cancers with denial and supposed ease … I was just fine. Right, Jesus?
    Doctors: a very rare tumor. Surgical removal and rebuilt with mesh and screws. Told my kids I was bionic … came up with that when I was tipsy.

    I lived for it.
    Ashamed. Alone. …Powerful.
    C’mon – what’s one more?
    To everyone else, it was obvious. Guzzling multiple beers to their one. I had thought I was a talented little liar.
    Others: what do we do? Can we stop her from driving? Mommy - will you come to the beach with us?

    I despised it.
    God. Admission. …Powerful.
    It finally clicked.
    I’m an alcoholic. Giving in to what I had known for years … what everyone had known. I had only been fooling myself.
    Reality: There’s not one thing I’d miss if I take another drink … but my heart would be hollow. The beautiful, loved existence which I had always longed for … and have … would be gone. My soul would be vacant.

    I am present.
    Vibrant. Steady. …Powerful.
    The darkness becomes light.
    Strength belongs to me now. Its’ grasp is within; surrounding my body … engaging itself and planting roots. A Spirit alive.
    Power: Transparent and Hopeful. Loved and Genuine. Blessed and Peaceful. That is now. The gratitude I show is through my actions, finding beauty with open eyes … no longer hiding from You.

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