Share this on:
About this iReport
  • Not verified by CNN

  • Click to view mamaleesie's profile
    Posted April 4, 2014 by
    By a Lake, Minnesota
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    First Person: Your essays

    More from mamaleesie

    I was a DRUNK - Confronting My Alcoholism


    It sucked me in.
    Cunning. Engaging. …Powerful.
    A delicious interruption from life.
    What would happen to me if I were to abstain from its far-reaching grasp? Who would I become? What would I do?
    With it: I was witty, hilarious … and full of laughter.
    It made me pretty, confident … and the life of the party. Right?

    I was hooked.
    Deceptive. Baffling. …Powerful.
    My escape became somewhat real.
    I had a glimpse of who I was becoming. I saw the reality of self and its delusion. But wasn’t ready to let go.
    It: a numbing liquidity in a bottle.
    ‘It’ and me - the party, alone in my house. Reaching for more when I had told myself ‘last one’.

    I couldn’t breathe.
    Grasping. Plotting. …Powerful.
    My life in a bottle.
    Doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Hurting the ones I love … slow and sly. I could stop if I wanted … but did I?
    Me: denial at its best and terrifying at its worst. The lush who pretended to be fine. The girl who cried wolf a few too many times.

    I didn’t want it.
    Yearning. Selfish. …Powerful.
    Living in my mind.
    Sleeping late and feeling guilty. My life had become sad … lonely. Yet, it could be full … my loving husband and two incredible little boys. Why couldn’t I see them?
    Self: ignoring life and the faces of my family. Swallowed into the abyss, bit-by-bit. Never admitting that I had a problem.


    I was terrified.
    Cancer. Twice. Powerful.
    Supposed to be invincible.
    Little Miss Positive. Not revealing my fear … just drowning it with alcohol. Overcoming my cancers with denial and supposed ease … I was just fine. Right, Jesus?
    Doctors: a very rare tumor. Surgical removal and rebuilt with mesh and screws. Told my kids I was bionic … came up with that when I was tipsy.

    I lived for it.
    Ashamed. Alone. …Powerful.
    C’mon – what’s one more?
    To everyone else, it was obvious. Guzzling multiple beers to their one. I had thought I was a talented little liar.
    Others: what do we do? Can we stop her from driving? Mommy - will you come to the beach with us?

    I despised it.
    God. Admission. …Powerful.
    It finally clicked.
    I’m an alcoholic. Giving in to what I had known for years … what everyone had known. I had only been fooling myself.
    Reality: There’s not one thing I’d miss if I take another drink … but my heart would be hollow. The beautiful, loved existence which I had always longed for … and have … would be gone. My soul would be vacant.

    I am present.
    Vibrant. Steady. …Powerful.
    The darkness becomes light.
    Strength belongs to me now. Its’ grasp is within; surrounding my body … engaging itself and planting roots. A Spirit alive.
    Power: Transparent and Hopeful. Loved and Genuine. Blessed and Peaceful. That is now. The gratitude I show is through my actions, finding beauty with open eyes … no longer hiding from You.

    What do you think of this story?

    Select one of the options below. Your feedback will help tell CNN producers what to do with this iReport. If you'd like, you can explain your choice in the comments below.
    Be and editor! Choose an option below:
      Awesome! Put this on TV! Almost! Needs work. This submission violates iReport's community guidelines.


    Log in to comment

    iReport welcomes a lively discussion, so comments on iReports are not pre-screened before they post. See the iReport community guidelines for details about content that is not welcome on iReport.

    Add your Story Add your Story