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    Posted April 14, 2014 by
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    The Life and Times of Hotel Mom

     

    On Monday, April 14, 2014 12:48 AM, Autumn Grayson <autumnsgrayday35@yahoo.com> wrote: It's 2:54 a.m. on a Monday morning and I'm up watching Family Guy; Hoping that the silliness of its content will lighten the mood and keep me from crying. I'm tired of crying. I look over at my 5 beautiful babies as they sleep so effortlessly, so peacefully and wish I could do the same. But that seems impossible. We are cramped in a small hotel room where we've been for almost a year now just trying to survive. Every night fighting with myself not to retreat to the restroom and drink myself into a stupor or worse even, gobble down my blood pressure medication simultaneously and end my misery. That wouldn't help my offspring though and they deserve so much better than that so I continue to fight. The struggle has been all too real for us and I know that I am the cause of it. If only I had listened to the doctors years ago when they told me to take it easy. If only I hadn't been so stubborn and not try to do things on my own. I just wanted to provide a life for my kids that they could be proud of. I just wanted to be the loving, hardworking mother that they could be proud of. I just wanted to prove everyone wrong who said I couldn't make it on my own without them or their help. I just wanted to be free. Free of worry, free of drama, free to live my life the way I wanted. Instead I've created a world where I look around and only see 3 depressed teenagers and two little ones who are waiting for mommy to make things right. The truth is I don't know how! Bad choices, health issues and job loss has put me in a position that I am not used to and I truly feel stuck. Nobody seems to want to or is able to help. All the organizations say my family is too large for anything that they can offer. All friends have seemed to disappear. The ones that I thought were friends only were around me because they thought it would prove lucrative for them to be but now they have lost faith in my talents and disappeared as well. No one wants to be friends with a bum. No one wants to hang around a bum. No one wants to be seen with a bum. No one wants to be a bum! I've always said that one day I would help the homeless and that I would give back to my community. I always wanted my kids to volunteer and work at the soup kitchens to make them better people. Not ever thinking that we would be among them and not able to rise above it. Life is hard. I won't lie I'm so depressed. I need help in the form of prayers and information because right now I have no one, but God. And yes he has definitely kept us afloat but I feel myself slipping into oblivion. My mind is struggling to make sense of it all because no matter what I do I end up right back here. Its like I'm stuck in this nightmare and when I try to open my eyes I find out they've been glued shut. I don't mean to share such a non inspirational story but I was hoping that someone out there who has been in my situation or something similar could give me some hope. I just need to know that it is possible for me to make my children smile again and stop crying of embarrassment. I want to be able to provide them a r

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