- Posted May 7, 2014 by
Los Angeles, California
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Going public with mental illness
I'm BATSHITCRAZY. What's your excuse? (R Rated Version)
(Published in the The Big Smoke)
I love reality TV.
I really do.
I adore the ratchetness that has become a staple of American television.
Ratchet (n.): a situation or process that is perceived to be deteriorating or changing steadily in a series of irreversible steps. Or in simpler terms: A HOT ASS MESS
My personal favorites are Love and Hip Hop (think the Superbowl of ratchetness – last season one guy married his mistress while living with his partner of 13 years. #tooratchetevenfortv), the Real Housewivees franchise (their faces may be frozen but their fists work just fine) and Married to Medicine (furs and fighting – what’s not to love?).
But these bitches are not bipolar.
Not even close.
And I’m pretty sure if you asked any of these bitches to define the medical term “bipolar” their response would be one of:
1. What do you mean by medical? (I said these bitches were ratchet – I never said these bitches were smart)
2. That crazy bitch over there. So let me take a moment to edumacate you on a few things in the hope that you will think twice before you call the next bitch who pisses you off bipolar and/or so that you can tell a bitch who calls you bipolar that you may be crazy but your shit ain’t certifiable. #checkyourfacts
edumacate (v.): to educate. Don’t look at me like that – I know its ratchet. that’s why I love it.
According to the National Institutes of Mental Health (you know that if I quoted Wikipedia you’d be giving me some side-eyed shade right now. You would be thinking, “Is this heifer really trying to educate me using Wikipedia? Triflin’.”), bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.
Now, this is the part where bitches stop reading and we run into problems.
I may love ratchet but I HATE stupid.
So please, keep reading.
Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.
(And no, switching from friends to “frenemy” does not count. She’s not crazy – she just doesn’t like you.)
They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time.
For those of you who need a tangible example because this psychobabble is just not making any sense, let me take you back to the spring of 2008. I went through a bout of depression that was so intense that I did not maintain normal hygiene for weeks (I smelled like ass. Literally.) I cut myself off from the entire world (can you even imagine a day without you mobile phone, email, Instagram? – try a few weeks) and I would have chosen starvation over leaving my dorm to get food (no, I did not lose a shit tonne of weight – it’s called food delivery). It reached a point that my college boyfriend tried to use bribery to get me out of my dorm for just 10 minutes a day (the sex was good, but not that good), my parents threatened to fly out and kidnap me (officially my worst nightmare) and my friends thought I had joined a cult (a hippie, sex-loving cult, but still a cult).
So the next time you even think about calling a bitch bipolar, just remember…
1. No one wants to be bipolar – NO ONE. It is a daily struggle trying to find balance, some sense of normalcy in the chaos that inhibits your mind 24/7. Medication helps but it doesn’t take away the crazy – it just helps you manage it better.
2. If someone had cancer would you use it as an insult? No, I don’t think so. Yelling “Bitch, you’ve got cancer. You need to be medicated” wouldn’t win you any brownie points. Social media would crucify your ass faster than you can come up with some bullshit excuse for you behaviour. Google Search: Brandi Glanville + black + swim. I rest my case.
3. Men can also be bipolar (No, this is not why your boyfriend breaks up with you every other week – he’s just an asshole.)
4.The more you use the term bipolar in a derogatory manner, the more people feel forced to stay “in the closet.” And not everyone has a walk-in closet. #LisaVanderpump
So, the next time a bitch calls you bipolar, ask her, “Which type do I have – Bipolar I, Bipolar II or Bipolar NOS? Which meds should I be on? Lithium, Abilify, Seroquel? With or without an SSRI?”
And if you don’t know what any these terms mean, then neither one of you should be using the term bipolar. PERIOD.
So why am I allowed to use these terms?
Because I’m BATSHITCRAZY.
What’s your excuse?
P.S. Normally I don’t cuss this much but I’m channeling my inner ratchet persona – it takes one to talk to one.