- Posted May 13, 2014 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
it's been so hard to come out to my family and friends
it has been so hard to live through a deep fear I had against my parents due to my feelings but i got to overcome them,, because due to the situation I was going through, I was also a bit of a shy boy when I was a child and that's even what got things worst in me . I grew up inside a family whose believes are totally based on the church of jesus christ of latter day saints, people know us like mormons. that was even worst because I dont cling on what they believe because i also knew what I felt inside was wrong and against the church , so back then I knew It was going to be so hard if they knew about me. I was raped at the age of 8 years old and i think it was the beginning of all my whole story about how hard it was to come out
when I was a child i felt attracted to boys and girls but anyways I could notice that somehting was different in me, i liked boys more than girls and it was a very strange feeling at that moment because I was supposed to only like girls, I also kept in mind what my parents taught me and as a child who grew up inside a mormon family i was also taught that a engagement or phisical attraction must be betwwen a woman and a boy but what I felt was totally different from what my parents inculcated me I just skipped that stuff about me for a while and then it came back to me when I was in elementary school because i really got bullied , i got teased by many of my classmates, even they dissed me by having a behavior that made me look like a girl , somthing I couldnt notice in myself, they always put me down all the time and I couldnt focus on my school homework so that's the reason I got so bad grades sometimes, it freaked me out and got my head messed up , sometimes I was afraid to go to school and it pissed me off when my classmates played really bad jokes on me.
when i was in high school i got bullied the first two years and the feeling about having a crush on boys was growing even more but I still felt attractive to girls that was also wierd, it got me confused, i ahd to figure out that part of my life and go straight what I wanted for me but the time passed and little by little I could choose what I wanted to be, i was still with the fear of telling my parents about it but i did know they were going to find out I'm gay sooner or later, so everything started when once i was chatting with a boy on facebook and mom called me dopwnstairs to send me to buy to the corner store, and my mistake was to left my account open, I totally forgot it so my mom pulled me aside as I came back home and told me every single thing she read on my conversation with that boy and she told me that she would wait for my dad to get home from work for me to talk through this situation so, dad got home and they talked to me and told me that I was just confused and it was part of my growth like a teenager and that was all, i got surprised on the way they told me those things, i thought they were going to react different, and I also thought that they just took this situation lightly but anyways it was a relief because I was afraid to get beaten up or yelled by them, on the other hand i just felt bad because i tought they didnt get who I am, they just thought I was confused and it wasnt true so time passed and I kept indulging in my ways and I remember that I met a guy 6 years older than me, I was 15 years at at that moment and this guy was the first person who I had sex with , i remember that after it happened, I felt confortable and set about what I had done so it was my first time and then i decided to tell my sister in law about it since she was a person who I really relied on so much and she was also mormon, and I'm mormon, too and I knew that it was so wrong what I did but i didnt care, so i think I told my sister in law that i had sex to elevate myself or boast about what I'd done, i knew that on one hand i messed it upso she couldnt put up with what i did because it was against God's plan so it was the time that my parents found out that I'm gay, that's what I wanted them to know so at that moment was like evrything coming down on me because as a result of what I did, they prohibited me many things and set strict rules over me , they told me that they love me and could understand that i felt attractive to boys but what they dont accept is the fact that I acted on it knowing that is wrong against God's plan and and i broke a lawinside the mormon doctrines and principles , so after that i just remember that I locked myself in my bedroom for a week and I didnt want anything at all
I've been punished and out of the reach of many things i liked to do for a long time, my parents let me go out little by little and then I just got to fell madly in love with a girl, that didn't make sense but anyway i had a two long year relationship with her where we had times on and off due to my situation, she knew I'm gay and she loved me but during this long term relationship i fooled around with boys andmy girlfriedn got to know it and then my parents and i was just getting so confused about my sexuality , i knew I'm gay but I didint know what was happening so things were getting rowdy and so i got in a big deprresion , I had a bad meltdown that I tried to killed myself twice but there was no result so i hopefully got to get out of that terrible situation I had to got through and i realized that I wasnt attractive to girls anymore and the feeling about having a crush on boys was becoming stronger and stronger everytime, I'm glad that i could finnaly get out of that deprresion because i could overcome some fears I had before and now i dont care c what people can say or thing about me that I'm gay, I'm a more uninhibited person and now I can be myself , I dont have why to hide my sexualty from people who knows me so i know it's been so hard but i could get over that fear I had and now I could come out to all of my friends and now I'm so haapy that i have friends who support me , I still keep dating boys but i do it behind my parents back ,but thats not my fear anymore, I'm 18 years old and it was hard to battle against this ,being mormon and gay at the same time