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    Posted May 15, 2014 by
    BATSHITCRAY
    Location
    Los Angeles, California
    Assignment
    Assignment
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    The written word: Your personal essays

    More from BATSHITCRAY

    "Will you be my future ex-wife?" BEST. MARRIAGE. PROPOSAL. EVER.

     

    Who proposes marriage and divorce all in the same sentence? A lovely man I call The Marine. And more importantly, who agrees to marry someone that already knows that he's going to get a divorce?

     

    ME.

     

    Clearly I have issues... and a very dark sense of humor.

     

    But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back to the beginning of this epic love affair....

     

    Five weeks prior to his über romantic marriage proposal I met my would be future husband at a club called the Boogie. I honestly don't know which is more alarming - the fact that we were engaged after only 5 weeks of knowing each other, or the fact that we met at a club who's name is a mix of a bodily secretion (a booger) and the Douggie. In my defense, it was my 18th birthday. So instead of buying a porn magazine or a box of cigarettes I decided to have a one night stand. on the dance floor. with my clothes on. Looking back, I probably should have noticed the obscene number of men with the same buzzed hair cut and thought "hmmm...this is strange..." but instead I thought "It's my birthday bitches."

     

    So back to The Marine. He wasn't the first guy who tried to get in my pants that night, he was just the only one to ask for permission first. And although he didn't get lucky - at least not that night - he did leave with my phone number. And 3 days later, he used it. After 2 hours of laughing and flirting with him, I was officially smitten. Only I had one, small, itsy bitsy, teeny weeny problem - I had absolutely no idea who he was. none. whatsoever.

     

    Listen, you don't travel 2.5 hours to a place called the Boogie because you're looking for love - what you really want is a night which you'll barely remember with people you'll never have to see again. So when I gave him my phone number I didn't think he would ever actually use it. And instead of killing the mood by asking him for his name, height, weight, and social security number I decided to wait and see if something he said would trigger my memory. Needless to say, it didn't.

     

    So at the end of our blissful, 2-hour long conversation I had to ask the Marine for a detailed physical description, the location where I had met him, and how he had gotten my phone number. (I'm pretty sure this is the part in the movie where the soldier realizes he's standing on a grenade and says, Ohhh shit. Well...ohhhh shit is right.) And in case you were wondering, no, I couldn't Facebook stalk him to get this vital information. I started dating before Facebook and online dating even existed.

     

    I'll wait while you pick your jaw up off the floor. I know. I grew up during medieval times. #struggle

     

    So, ladies and possibly gentlemen, that is how the Marine and I began. As for how we ended? I'm going to need a drink, or let's be honest - at least three - to finish this story....

     


    xoxo,

     

    King B

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