- Posted May 17, 2014 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
Loneliness..The Sound of Silence
by: Lucy Connor
Another Friday night, alone. This is I scenario that I usually look forward to, maybe even relish. Tonight, however, it is somehow different. Since I have become a single woman, it is rare that I feel any pangs of loneliness. I work hard, all day every day. I love strong when it comes to my children and my grandchildren. I have a few friends I enjoy talking to or going out with occasionally and I have hobbies and passions to explore when I have a few moments. Loneliness seldom rears her ugly head in my life.
This has been one of the most difficult months at work I have experienced in many years. Let me frame this by saying, it is completely my fault. In my wonder woman alter ego, I bit off way more than I could chew and am now paying the consequences for my choices. As a middle school music teacher, spring time is concert and musical time and is generally hectic. This year, I put a huge concert in the middle of “heck week” for the musical. In other words, inside of six days I had three one hour long concerts involving almost 200 students, musicians, awards, set up, tear down, yadda yadda. I am also opening the musical Saturday and closing it Sunday. This means I have had technical rehearsals, run throughs, costume and prop disasters, losing actors to the 8th grade formal…and on and on it goes.
When I was married, I had a few weeks like this and though my ex is not an arts kind of guy, he felt that it was his duty as my husband to attend my concerts and shows, bring me flowers and pretend that he enjoyed himself. This may sound harsh, but he actually told me he attended these things, not because he enjoyed them, but because it was his obligation as my husband. At the time, that was hurtful to me. I used to say, “I wish he would just stay home. If he does not want to be there, I don’t want him to be there out of a sense of duty or obligation.”
Now that I am a single woman, my view on this has changed somewhat. He was there. Maybe I should not have let his motivations bother me. The fact is, he loved me enough to show up. This is the thing I miss as a single woman. I miss having someone that cares enough to just show up, even when he does not enjoy the activity.
Tonight I am tired, really tired. It would be great to have someone who would listen to me crab about the high school kids that stole my props, or my lead that only showed at rehearsal because I made the high school drama teacher call her mom. It would be nice to have someone here that would smile at the success stories of the week or that could tell me his favorite part of the concert on Tuesday. Someone who could tell me how silly I looked in all the athletic clothing I have had to wear for field days this week, and someone who would sit and eat a can of soup with me and just veg in front of the tv for a few minutes. But tonight the house is quiet. There is no one who cares one way or the other if the week has been a success or failure. There is no one to take a midnight run to Walmart with to buy a tripod and two rolls of tickets for the opening tomorrow. There is just no one.
What does this have to do with dating over forty? Maybe it just has to do with dreams that seem as though they will never come true. Since I have been single, I have been searching for that man…..the man who loves the arts, not just in word, but the one who actually shows up for them. I have been searching for the man that loves me enough to just call and say, “Hey, I know this is a hectic week for you…how are you holding up?” I have been looking for the one who will accept the fact that even when my week is like this, I make enough time to think of him and write that note or make the call to see how he is. The man who says, this is her week and I am going to let her know that she is not alone…even if it means that for a few minutes, I have to put myself aside. That is what love does. Loves looks out for the other. Loves serves with an unselfish heart.
This week, I have served my students with an unselfish heart. I have also tried to be there as best I can for the people in my life that I love. Sometimes, being there for those people means staying out of their way while I am crazy, and not asking for more than they can give. Sometimes it means a phone call when I am in the car, just to see how they are. Sometimes it means a note or a text. I have genuinely tried to be the best mom, the best friend, the best girlfriend, and the best gramma I can be while I am running on below empty. Tonight, I just wish someone was here for me, because tonight, I need a little validation and a bunch of love. But all is quiet in my home.
Maybe someday, I will find that perfect combination. Someone who can do crazy and do the arts, someone who can tell me all about his passions but also asks about mine. Someone who wants to come to my concerts and even volunteers to video! Someone who can hold me at night and tell me that it will all be ok….when all the crazy is done, we will have a day together to just do nothing. The thought that it could happen, keeps me going on nights like tonight, when the sound of silence is deafening.