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    Posted May 17, 2014 by
    Marion, Texas
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Going public with mental illness

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    Schizophrenic Conversations


    I remember once a quote from one of the most profound philosophies in the history of it as Immanuel Kant began and emerged with his famous work of the “Critique of Pure Reason”. His famous opening line of -“There is no doubt that all of our knowledge begins with experience, but it does not follow that it arises out of it.”- is powerful enlightenment. And, with this quote I’m hoping that this report on the side of Schizophrenia will aide all (in foresight).


    But, this short story is by no means an avenue for political and social issues of mental illness as having two religious novels and websites keeps a unique perspective on staying pure. I refuse to make this agenda for social and political organizations. Also, my own self-promotion.


    This short story is for the mentally ill patients who are suffering from genetic conditions of mental illness, as well as the friends and families that are “wishing and dying” to understand the impact of mental illness on a patient.


    I will use over 20 years of experience of being a mentally ill patient to further the desires and wishes of the friends, families, and those who are currently suffering from a mental illness. I can only hope that the experiences of my past suffering will help illuminate all so that a mentally ill human being will be relieved in and of their suffering.

    My diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Basically, it is an admixture of "Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia", and in the Schizophrenia side of it, I deal with paranoia, special messages, inflated knowledge of subjects, fear, anxiety, and flat and pressured speech just to name a few. But, most patients deal with hallucinations and hear voices. I’ve never have heard or saw neither of the two. It’s different for all of us as human beings that have a set of unique of experiences of our own dark creatures(negative life experiences and emotions).


    It used to be in the past for me, that I would "hear over" the social crowd's “incredible laughter” from the patrons of the bar when I entered the building for work, as I was a doorman, barback, and bartender. I would come into the bar focused on the “suffering at the moment” as “the alternate reality” began it’s journey of clashing with the world. Sometimes, I would walk in and everyone was laughing, I would think. “Are they laughing at me?” as they would be sitting right by the door upon entering the bar.


    I would be focused on the task-at-hand-for-the-moment, and it would bother me for minutes until I came back to reality when I would tell myself “They were just laughing at something else.” But, for a few minutes, my focus would be on the constant questioning of the internal conflicts of it. I would think “I’m paranoid again.”


    I “hanged my head low” so they could not see the suffering on my face.


    But, as the dark and deep creatures would begin then, I had to focus on my job for-the-moment, rather than grounding myself into complete conversations that were rambling inside my head. I would stay-to-myself and would hardly talk to my fellow employees after that. I would think. “I can’t tell them that I’m paranoid at the moment.” And, it would be exactly that.


    So, when I would-go-about stocking and preparing the bar, I would keep quiet with the ramblings in my head that overcame me. I was lucky not to have  shown any indications or signs nor outbursts of mental illness throughout my years of being in a bar. But, some other human beings are not so fortunate.


    But, I would be saying to myself. “Keep it together crazy boy. You will be fired if you say anything.”


    I would have to take smoke breaks constantly just to calm down from the irrational fears of the conversations of the ramblings just to stay focused as I was working a full-time job, as well as being a full-time student at a local college with only an hour of sleep each day for years with the chronic insomnia.


    When I finally got home with no one there because of the divorce between my parents was happening, I was all alone at this time which kept me sane at the time.


    But, this thinking only lasted for a couple of minutes as the “non-verbal special messages” began.


    I would be sitting in my backyard smoking cigarettes when I was thinking of “calm waters” to relieve me of the long-day's work.


    I would be "self-talking with myself" at the moment to calm down, and I thought nothing could deter or overcome me at-the-moment. And, so I thought.


    I would say that “I’m finally at peace.” All-of-a-sudden, a soda can would pop, as my father collects our cans to recycle them. But, it was four in the morning and everyone was sleeping, as well as no one was home as my father sometimes went out of town.


    “Are you serious?” I questioned. “It never ends!”

    “Non-verbal messages” are the worst as the whispers of them can alter one’s reality too. I would think that “this can’t be happening!”


    In Schizophrenia, a mentally ill human being is "constantly at-odds" with the paranoia of the past and current fears of irrational beliefs that are gripping them in the conversations of the mind as it was the same in my case. I could not overcome the ramblings of the dark waters at the time. I was constantly perplexed.


    But, I had to keep fighting and working to make child support.

    It’s a “stress-related illness."And, the more a human being is “served-on-their-plate”, the more the illness “acts up." It is best "not to push" a mentally ill  patient at first, until they overcome each irrational fear “one-at-a-time” by developing good coping skills, medication management, and a structured-life.


    The more I think about in hindsight, the more I develop a "sense-of-purpose" of Schizophrenia as I can speak about my past and current experiences of it to others. It “saves lives” in mental illness. I’m elated to talk about my past experiences of it to further the understanding-of-the-people in this potential life-long,gripping experience.


    It’s not an easy task though. The stress still gets to me sometimes. And, it will control me if I let it. But, I have learned to “take control of it” by empowering myself, rather than, being a hopeless and depressed human being. Anyone can have “what it takes” to control and overtake it one day. No one is special or better than anyone else.


    It all begins with hope and faith in others, as well as self-faith and self-hope.


    The medical professionals are trained to be "caring and non-judgmental". It maybe hard to find "empathetic ears" among all of one's friends and family. But, they can help.


    Just say. "I need help."

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