- Posted May 18, 2014 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Going public with mental illness
The Craziness of It All
I once wrote this quote when I was studying philosophy as it has stuck with me ever since I began the “long, winding road-to-home.” And, it was; “To the depths of despair there lies the courage for human beings to consider their own self-worth in a modern-society of the essences-of-self in the human understanding.” I wrote that in 2003, as I was struggling with the “internal self-deception” that I had become in my initial denial of thinking that my “questionable outrages within myself” were by no means a “self-induced abstractive illusion." But, I had become my worst fear. And, the fact remains the same throughout the years, I have never conformed to any human and social philosophy. I would always remember the self-worth of my father with his “reforming spirit” as it guided me in “the internal-reformation of the essences-of-self.”
And, it was my very first step in-the-beginning-of-the-start of “getting off the beaten path” as I tried and began (although, I have always been a freedom-loving individual) to take the “road-less taken” (Robert Frost).” I always reflect on this quote when I’m feeling down about “the destructive actions of my former crazy life.” And, this short story is about the soaring and transcending abstractive elevations and gut-turning downfalls of Bi-Polar Illness.
But, this short story is by no means an avenue for political and social issues of mental illness as having two religious novels and websites keeps a unique perspective on staying pure. I refuse to make this agenda for social and political organizations. Also, my own self-promotion. This short story is for the mentally ill patients who are suffering from genetic conditions of mental illness, as well as the friends and families that are “wishing and dying” to understand the impact of mental illness on a patient.
My diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder which is an admixture of “Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia.” I will try to describe the main symptoms of Bi-Polar Illness which I am afflicted with, and the majority of them were being “self-imposed” in the constant confusion of it. But, possessing a genetic illness which the chemical deficiencies produces the impulsivity and on-going rushes of the negative emotions, creates a constant vacuum of interdependent spheres of depression and mania.
But, even though I lost my life-saving, beloved maternal mother (grandmother) to death, as well as the sexual manipulation by my gay uncle, it was “the gut-wrenching loss of my marriage” that began the spectrum of Bi-Polar Illness as I could not cope with the life-altering-and-changing loss of my own family. I could not reconcile the ever-changing realities of parenthood as I would not witness my beautiful children grow-up daily. I was devastated. And, it was no one else’s fault other than my own.
So it all began.
In the beginning of the life-altering experience, I could not “come-to-terms” with the loss because it firmly grounded and planted me into “the cement-filled essences-of-self” as the struggle of self-blame, self-hatred, and self-deception had its squeezing clutches on my sense-of-being. I would whole-heartedly refused to accept that I was the problem-at-the-time (as I acted up to my family members only). Then, the revolving manifestations began to pour into practical reality where I would always have “emotional outbursts” towards my family members.
I rationalized. “I was only telling them the truth.” I said in a firm voice. “I’m not the problem of making them feel uncomfortable.”
Yet, I was.
And, in my “destructive emotional outbursts”, the “silent-rage” spoke to the world out loud. I struggled with life-mesmerizing despair, grief, and sadness as I lost my “sense-of-purpose.” The internal conflicts of the “silent-rage” was always directed towards my family, and never to society.
Yet, the constant and changing moods of the shocking despair in the first few years, hadn’t “acted-up” until four years later after my divorce.
In 1999, it started in a full-fledge “mental assault” roaming in my mind, as it hit with the magnitude of a nuclear bomb. The feelings of negative self-worth rummaged through the four chambers of my mind as I desperately wanted it all to end. But, the “extreme pessimism” had a grip on my heart as I witnessed everyone else being happy, as well as the “letting-go of romantic flames” because I thought it was the “best-course” for their “ultimate-happiness."
But, yet I rationalized in saying. “What is wrong with me?”
I didn’t feel that it was ever a “self-induced coma”, but a “pluralistic-induced coma of society.” Yet, I was exactly in the former. All of my suffering had been “a deduction of improper self-examination."
And, as the “intense grief” soaked and absorbed into all of my self-essence, I seriously doubted the self-hope and self-faith of living life. I thought and reached to the point of; - “it was already over” - as the “non-compliant listening empathy” of my own actions sat heavily in denial. I felt worthless, depressed, and sad (because I couldn’t get it together), as well as the “reliving of the negative experiences”, which left me frustrated. And, the sleeping problems began slowly “creeping in” over the period of four years as the continuous worry and anxiousness set in.
But, the soaring and transcending elevations of racing thoughts of mania hadn’t visited me yet.
And, with slightest “knock-at-the-door”, the other spectrum “took off”, although, I wasn’t sleeping well before this “gut-sucking eagle” had landed on the “creaking back door.” And, I grabbed onto the “flying eagle” to begin the transcending thoughts and actions of my “daring self-elevations."
Yet, I only reached to the atmosphere at this point as I hadn’t engaged into the “fixed-moving stars and planets." I danced throughout the “atmospheric fixations” as I felt invincible and energized when I sat near-the-top-of-the-Earth. I could “see down on my past life” as I had the “vantage point” of criticizing others’ beliefs and convictions of my former life. I was “self-deceptively elated” throughout the four humors of the mind. And, then I arched the manes of the eagle upward towards “the outer reaches of space."It was “all-or-nothing.” Then, the gusting-winds of atomic space and gravitational motions of the space hit. And, the open-doors-of-the-heavens slammed shut on my face.
Suddenly, I fell off the back of the soaring eagle, and swirled towards the ground of the Earth. I repeatedly turned-over-and-over in the “free-falling race towards the Earth.” I was utterly terrified at this point, as I thought I would die because the memories of the past and current life experiences appeared and roamed throughout my mind.
And, I finally hit the ground in full-force and created a large-rounded crater. It achingly hurt. It would take days regaining the strength it took to begin the climbing of the walls of it as I “shrugged off the pounding heart” of the previous experience. I was out-of-breath. I spoke “out-loud to the eternal creator in self-blame” as I recanted the experience.
Then, the rapid cycling began. And, the depression, anguish, and sadness “kicked in” once again until I “elevated again towards the skies.”
It was a “brutal process” for the next 10 years until I finally realized in 2009, that the “rapid cycling” was “self-induced”, as well as accepting that it was a genetic condition. And, being in denial, held me back from the “self-imposed mental recovery.”
Bi-Polar Illness is a spectrum of the duality of the polarities of the mind. But, in my case (along with others), the spectrum involves and is copulated with Schizophrenia and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It takes a “whole-hearted willingness and conviction” of being receptive towards the “caring opinions and judgments of others.” Some are right while others are wrong.
But, in the depths of despair, the attribute of courage is the beginning and ending of it all in Bi-Polar Illness.