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    Posted May 23, 2014 by
    mbtrfly
    Location
    Texas
    Assignment
    Assignment
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Going public with mental illness

    Mental Illness is a Lonely Place to be

     
    I suffer from depression/anxiety disorder accompanied by PTSD. When managed the depression/anxiety is bearable, but when not managed it is a deep black hole. No one can give any words of solace that reach you in the dark place. I attempted suicide and self mutilation for 6 years. My family could not reach me, my friends could not reach me and last I was abandoned. With one exception, my brother. Even though his words could not reach me, just knowing he was there pulled me through.Not everyone is so lucky. I admit there were moments he grew understandably frustrated. Why would I hurt myself? I could give no answer that would make him understand. Unless you suffer that darkness, no one could possibly understand.
    I also did have another lifeline, my psychiatrist. He never gave up on me and I owe him my life. Again, not everyone is as lucky as I to have such a caring and generous psychiatrist. But again, in my darkness, sometimes even that wasn't enough to stop a suicide attempt.
    I have done it all. Overdose, cut my arms and neck and an attempted carbon monoxide suicide. However, luckily I was stopped by a kind officer.
    There were a lot of first responders that were so kind and I would like to thank them all and let them know I made it to the other side. I hope I stay here.
    What frustrated us the most were the hospitals. I would be in on a regular basis, a 'frequent flyer' as they say and because I didn't want to be hospitalized I knew what to say. My brother grew frustrated that they would not hospitalize me. Perhaps it would have helped, however I had 3 dogs at home that no one would care for. Despite being so lost, they were my tether in the long run. The last of my 3 is going to pass in the next few months and I fear losing my last tether.
    While for the moment I am well enough to no longer
    harm myself or even consider it, I fear it will come back.
    I mourn who I used to be, responsible and hard working, quick thinking, and most of all a triathlete. My PTSD is due to being the victim of a hit and run. I was severely injured and spent a month in the hospital. I did return to training but was so frozen by the fear of passing trucks I had to give up riding. This precipitated my fall into that dark hole of complete hopelessness.
    There is a way out, but it is up to you.
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