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    Posted June 2, 2014 by
    k3vsDad
    Location
    Farmersburg, Indiana
    Assignment
    Assignment
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Going public with mental illness

    More from k3vsDad

    Causing a Stir - Well a Small Ripple

     

    You  never know how an expression of frustration might be perceived. Seems a  status update I did on Facebook on Sunday caused a stir with some - not  locally, but across the country.

    Having a very rough day, filled with pain and wracked with agony, I wrote:

    Enough  already! I can no longer ignore or deal with my head trying to explode;  the searing pain and agony; the suffocating sensation as my airways are  choked shut denying oxygen to my vital organs; the depressive knowledge  of being an utter failure as a human being, a man, a grandfather, a  father, a son, a husband, a life partner; the overwhelming nausea  induced by the totality of it all.

    That was enough to trigger alarm bells with some of my online friends and fellow members of CNN's iReport community.

    I  received two email inquiries from producers, including the community  manager, at CNN headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia asking if I was OK or  if I needed someone to talk to after there had been concerns raised  about my post by some community members, including my California angel.

    The same writing elicited not a response from family - not a text, not a phone call, not an instant message, nada.

    There  was, however, one comment on my post from one of my ex-wives, who  wrote, "Hmm...no comment." This was the same ex-wife who used to wake me  in the middle of the night to tell me new ways she had thought to kill  me.

    Those  who know me face-to-face, my family, know that one of my methods of  coping with the daily struggles I face is by writing it out. This allows  me to get the building pressure, the stress, the overwhelming  frustration out of my system.

    I have often noted that my blog postings in Inside My Mind, From the Cornfield, Kernels From the Cornfield and contributions to iReport are therapeutic for me.

    Writing  has been a form of therapy going back decades to my teen years. But  this is not the first time my venting has caused concern.

    During  my service years in the Air Force, I wrote a lot of poems and songs. If  I should forget to put away a poem or song safely into a desk drawer  before I walked away from desk, it was not uncommon to find myself  making a walk down the hallway of the hospital where I worked as a  medical admin specialist to the clinic psychiatrist's office.

    Once,  the day my oldest son was born, I was admitted to Howard Community  Hospital for observation by the Air Force. The psychiatrist ended up  concluding I was going a "situation reaction to adult life", nothing  more. But I was on "the ward" when I received word that my oldest had  been born and he was a boy.

    In  light of recent attention to mental health issues and mass violence, I  am not surprised by the reaction from some concerned about my general  well-being. In fact, my California angel even attempted to contact the  local town marshal to check on me. He didn't answer the phone.

    Of course as to mental health concerns and violence, I even chimed in on the issue with my article: Cast Away Stigma of Mental Illness.

    While I appreciate the concern, rest assured I am fine.

    Yes,  I will admit, there have been times in my life when the major  depression from which I have suffered for way too many years has lead to  attempts of which I regret.

    Those ideas do still pop up in my brain when I am least prepared or expecting.

    I  must summon all my inner strength to fight back or push hard and long  on my internal ignore button. This is part of my daily struggle. I  recognize the signs, the dangers.

    I know I am never truly "fine", but ever on guard.

    Thank you to those of you who expressed your concern.

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