- Posted October 14, 2008 by
Walled Lake, Michigan
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Where's the Spam?
What happened to spam? Not that gel animal parts concoction they sell in a can, but those emails that end up in your spam or junk mail box of your email? I use to get 100's of email about Viagra and how to make my penis grow larger (even though I'm a woman). Where is my spam about making my breasts larger and getting rid of the cellulite on my butt? I use to wade through emails advertising porn sites with hot, sexy, wet teens and exotic foreign woman looking for love. Now I'm receiving spam with subject lines about detoxing my colon, cleansing my system and what type of tea to drink to align health in my body and soul by urinating more and having diarrhea.
Where is my porn and penis spam!? I'm a bit uncomfortable receiving an email regarding what I should do with my colon or how to detox my colon, intestines and feet. One of these colon detox products states, "How to properly detoxify your body & colon. Colon detox explained." OK. I don't want to know how to PROPERLY detox my body and colon. There is no "splaining" to do. I don't want to know what you expect me to do to myself to cause my colon to detox. It's not like my colon gets out when I'm not looking, maybe at night when I'm sleeping, and goes out and buys heroin or crack. Maybe my colon has a thing for booze and I don't know it and starts shaking in need of a shot of Maker's Mark about 2 a.m. I'm pretty sure if something like that was going on I would be the first to notice it and say, " Colon ... we need to detox your ass" which I'm sure would be MY ass.
Cleansing my system seems to be just another way to say diarrhea. Maybe I'm old and just not use to the ways of younger folks, but in my peer group diarrhea is not something we seek out. I believe I still see commercials on TV about diarrhea and the medicine to make it go away. We just had this big scare this past summer across the entire United States about tomatoes and salmonella. It was BAD. It made people have diarrhea and other bad stuff. Not once was it reported on the news that we should take advantage of tomatoes and salmonella to cleanse our system and detox our colon. Here was the perfect opportunity for whoever is sending out the detox and cleansing emails to step forward and say, "HEY EVERYBODY! - What an opportunity! Detox your colon!"
As I read more of this new spam I realized that some even dared to mention ENEMA'S. It's not bad enough that the stock market took a plunge recently. It's not bad enough that after it was decided I could help bail out the banks that Execs from AIG decided to take themselves and guests to the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort to recover from all the stress at the tune of nearly half a million dollars. NO, that isn't even the worse of the news in my email - To help me reach personal good health and lose weight someone dare mentions the word enema. Holy what the heck? When I want to get healthy I don't make this "to do" list; Eat less fat and calories, exercise 20 minutes every day, practice yoga in the morning AND an enema before bed to help detox the colon and melt away the pounds. As Dr. Phil would say, "Hell No!"
So where's the porn? Where's the crazy penis enlarging devices? Where's the Viagra I can order online through some clearinghouse in Mexico? Where's the spam that use to be like road kill - you didn't want to look at it but by golly - at the last minute you just had to. How did getting healthy come down to detoxing my colon, diarrhea and enema's? I reluctantly deal with the price of gas, the fact that my 401k is worth less than my son's baseball card collection and even that the house is in foreclosure and the job went away. I refuse to accept that my spam is junk too. I'm standing up and yelling - I'm not going to detox anything else in my life! Where's the spam?!