Hofstra University, Hempstead NY                                                                               

GOP Presidential candidate John McCain announced during the third presidential debate his newly re-vamped economic bailout plan to stem the economic crisis rocking the country: massive wealth redistribution.                                                                               

Senator McCain elaborated on his economic stimulus package just minutes after the debate in a nationally televised press conference outside the debate hall.                                                                               

"Clearly, we need to change the way things have been going in this country. I'm calling for a massive redistribution of wealth in this country out of the hands of those who are incapable of managing it and into the hands of those who are not only capable, but deserving and, quite frankly, desperately in need of a cash infusion."                                                                               

"My proposed tax breaks will redistribute the wealth OUT of the hands of Joe the Plumber and Jane Wine-Box, and place it in the capable and deserving hands of CEOs, corporations and oil companies, where it belongs. For too long we have allowed the middle class to waste this country's wealth on piddling things like "car payments" and "mortgages" and "childrens' medical bills"! I never wasted my hard earned money on luxuries like this when I was a young father of three childrenit was taken care of by my daddy. I spent my money where it was clearly neededpicking up strippers and floozies in Rio while my kids and horribly injured wife waited at home!"                                                                               

Continued Senator McCain:                                                                               

"The middle class has shown they are completely incapable of managing this country's wealth and I say that it will stop NOW! We need to take this loose money kicking around in middle class families and redistirbute it to the CEOs who only make a measly 13 million dollars a year. These CEOs are hurting, people-they NEED a fleet of luxury automobiles and 7 houses like Cindy and I have! They NEED another 14 weeks of vacation in Aspen! They NEED gold toilets and platinum bidets, and I'll be gosh darned if I'm going to let Joe the Plumber keep them away from those things just so he can feed his bratty kids a decent meal!"                                                                               

"By redistirbuting the money through my proposed tax breaks OUT of the hands of the irresponsible middle class and putting it INTO the deserving hands of corporations and oil companies, we'll be rewarding the very same people who have done such a stellar job of keeping our economy running so smoothly these last few years. As I've noted, our economy is fundamentally sound, and I intend to make sure it stays that way by redistributing the wealth in an even more fundamentally sound manner!"                                                                               

"Joe the Plumber -I've got news for you buddy. Your lazy days of turning in a measly 50 hour work week and frivolously wasting your money on "grocery bills" and "health insurance" and "child care" are OVER! You've shown you can't handle the moeny and I'm going to redistribute it to the people who've proven that they can--Wall Street fat cats and bank and insurance company CEOs."                                                                               

"Jane Wine-Box, your days of lazily living off the teats of hard work and working three jobs are over come November 4th! Get used to it!"                                                                               

Senator McCain then left to ask a group of blue-collar union steel workers in Michigan for their votes.