About this iReport
  • Not verified by CNN

  • Click to view josephdixon's profile
    Posted August 12, 2014 by
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    In Memoriam

    Tribute from fan of 30 years


    After reeling in shock yesterday from Robin's passing, I went to many places online to help myself cope. President Obama's statement sent from the White House was SO apropos : "Robin Williams was an airman, a doctor, a genie, a nanny, a president, a professor, a bangarang Peter Pan, and everything in between.  But he was one of a kind. He arrived in our lives as an alien -- but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit.  He made us laugh.  He made us cry.  He gave his immeasurable talent freely and generously to those who needed it most -- from our troops stationed abroad to the marginalized on our own streets."  (http://t.co/BcBI001BF5).


    I think this is beautifuly said because it is so true.. Also, to quote a twitter follower, which is where I turned to deal with my grief yesterday (in live time) :  "you made us laugh all of our lives, now you have made us cry." I wanted and needed to hear others reactions, those who knew him, and those who didn't, and this statement really hit home because it too was so true.


    I didn't realize he suffered from Bi Polar disorder. This is something that has been largely unreported as far as he was concerned, at least to my ever discerning eye of keeping up with entertainment industry news (one of my goofy passions). Somehow, understanding this long missed fact helped me to make peace with his passing, but: it does not make it any easier to accept.


    This is because I saw footage of him speaking out against suicide, at some telethon or something, and he was saying: " if you are in grief, if you are in a bad place, reach out, tell someone..." So, my question is: WHY Robin, why couldln't you tell someone? If you were in a downward spiral with your disorder, why couldn't you do the same?


    Someone else had posted on twitter that they wished Robin could go back in time to August 10th 2014, and see all the postings for him, all the grief, shock, love and support in the hopes that had he known this, it could have changed something for him in his darkest hour. I dont mean to trivialize Bi Polar sufferers' pain, and many members of my family have suffered from deep and incapacitating depression at times in their life, myself included, but: Robin, I am so shocked that, as beloved as you are, that you felt there was no way out. That there was no way for you to call a "time out" for yourself to battle your demons.


    I am so sorry for your love ones left behind now. Looking back on your career, I guess it is not a shock to learn you were Bi Polar, as much of your comedy (both under  it and clean from any drug influence) does suggest mania. I just always thought this was a creative mania you "tapped" into, to summon your genius.


    You did two interviews with Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show in November and December of 2011 that are unquestionably one of the highlights of my life. I book marked those two shows on my computer and have just randomly played them since then, and i would like to post a link to one of them now, for those of us who need a laugh from you, amidst all this pain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBp7RybcrHQ 


    Then again, so many moments of your stand up and your comedy are things that have kept me going, and that i have watched in times of need. I have often listened to many of your routines when I needed to laugh, because it (and you) really are the best medicine.


    I know many stand up comedians are often those who are the most depressed, but I am so sad you could find no solace in your final hour in that which you most loved, or: at the very least : a ray of hope.


    It wasn't just your comedy that stayed with me for the last 30 years (and means so much) but also all of the acting roles you played (and I go back, full circle here to Obama's quote from 8 11 2014 on CNN as to why it meant so much). Yet, even in your dramatic roles, you always had such excellent timing, and had great delivery with your lines, which, even in serious moments, made me laugh.


    I think now of your role in the movie: What dreams may come. Your wife had commited suicide, and you traveled (with the help of Cuba Godding Jr) to the other side to meet with her. You talked her out of her "shell" of trauma, and then she remembered you, and your line:  "Well, I'm just gonna stay here, just in case there's another problem...." Even though this line was said in the context of something so intense, it make me fall to the floor laughing. Does anyone else remember this line? Robin, I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe you couldn't find some semblance of a silver lining to get through, or at least to share with someone that you didn't feel like you could make it.


    We have all felt this way. The trick is to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Easier said than done, however, I know.  I don't know what your last thoughts were, I can only imagine, but...I just wish you had tried to share your pain, as you had encouraged others considering suicide to do.


    On a personal note, as much as I could without knowing you personally, you deeply touched my life: your comedy, your genius, and how you made me both  laugh and cry. I just never imagined that you would make me feel this way in real life, outside of your art. I am  so sorry you felt there was no other way out, or to cope and: as much as i could, I deeply loved you. You were, are, and always will be, such an important part of my life. Thank you for your love, your passion and commitment, especially to the homeless. You honestly meant a lot to me without me ever knowing you but it was helpful too to read (via twitter ) those who DID know you.


    I am beyond grief stricken and just focus on prayers now for your family and friends. If such a big hole is left in my heart, from never even knowing you, I cant imagine what they are going through. It would be one thing to lose you,  getthing this news yesterday, that you had suffered a heart attack or something, but to know you took your own life instead, that you snuffed out all the laughs, all i can do is hope this action will shine a spotlight on sufferers of bi polar disorder


    . My sincerest wish is that it is possible now for you to find peace. I can only hope so. The Academy's 3 word tribute to you was:  "Genie, you're free."


    It must have been SO bad, however. I look for telethons, etc, calling awareness to what you have gone through as there are, no doubt, many more of those suffering bi polar disorder, those who are not famous, that are and have been going through the same thing, not just now, but also past  AND future.


    If anyone is struggling with depression, please PLEASE call the national life line at: 800 273 talk.



    Sincerely, a HUGE fan, Elizabeth Feliz from Arizona


    ps:  in watching a clip about Robin (posted below) it is referrenced that i guess he did speak openly about being bi polar.  i was unaware of this, but it is info re: what to do if you or a loved one is depressed:






    also:  below is a link to Conan O'Brien delivering the news of Robin's death at the end of his show taping yesterday.  it's pretty sobering to watch....



    Add your Story Add your Story