- Posted August 13, 2014 by
London, United Kingdom
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Thanks For The Years, Robin!
Since Robin Williams' suicide partnered with so much alone time from my cancer treatments, I thought I would share for those who do not know. Depression encompasses so much of the life it inflicts. For some it may be genetic and for others a result of circumstance. But, for those of us that suffer from chronic depression, everyday is a battle. I do not have the struggle with addiction (in fact the thought of it repulses me). But as a sufferer of C-PTSD and chronic depression, I can understand the desire for an escape from the thoughts and subsequent feelings that take over no matter how much you try to hide or rationalize them. There can be months at a time when the pain can seem like too much. Seeing how this debilitation and depression effects those you love, can sometimes drive a person to suicide or suicidal ideation to end both his/her suffering and the burden/strain it puts on the those they love. (And, there is no point in trying to deny it or hide it from us, we can see how it affects those we love.) We sufferers are not naive to the fact that our death will hurt those who love us, but rather we see that in time the wounds will heal and our loved ones will have a better life without us dragging them down. (Like I said, it may seem irrational... But, I promise you, it is very rational to those who have suffered their entire lives. To us, it is like pulling the band-aid off all at once instead of slowly. The quickness lessens the suffering.) I myself have been in therapy for many, many years. So I speak to you as someone who can relate to Robin Williams' state of mind. I'm sad he is gone. But, I understand. We both suffered a great deal as children and carried those scars with us. And as many saw only the joyful and full of life Robin, many see me as strong-willed stouthearted and über rational. These are both masks and coping tools. They serve as a means to divert attention from our "demons" and a way to supply us with a desired emotional response. To Robin Williams, his many characters (and in their absence, alcohol and drugs) gave the desired feedback of joy and love (or numbness). To me, the walls I built, the emotions I lack, and the forceful/fighting spirit created my persona. While inside, I'm Frankenstein's monster. I'm pieced together, covered with scars inside and out, and left without a voice. I say this because I know what it is like to wake up and wonder if another day is worth the fight. I say this because I know what it is like to wake up and wonder if I can find the strength to put a smile on my face for those around me. I say this so that others know, that pulling that band-aid off slowly for 63 years can take it's toll. And, while I'm sad to see him go, I gracefully bow my head to a man that gave us 63 years and the many years he gave joy to so many, and I respect his decision to end his pain.