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    Posted August 14, 2014 by
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    First Person: Your essays

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    robin williams


    I watched commentators say we dont understand how a mam so full of life"publicly" could commit suicide. I understand I almost could be in his head and know how n why n what he was . Thinking. Ive stuggled with depression. Anxiety. For a very long time. I didnt even know way it was for 15 yrs. Ive been in tht dark place soo many times.suicidal and have an acute understanding of what its like wen it ,And i use the word it because it has a life of its own, swoops in and the feeling and thoughts as irrational as they might seem to someone else and frankly as irrational as I know they are immediately as it lifts. Thnk god for my family. Relationships. True loving relationships are as important as medication and therapy. But can be a curse as well because when the severe depression comes on and ive been so close to ending it. U think about ur family n wat it would do to them but also how u might be a burden and they would be better off just dealing with u gone fir a bit and move on . Sparing them the chronic nature of thus disiese. The fact tht he had early onset parkinsons could could of been the last staw rationalizing sparing his family dealing with tht. Because I guarentee he had thought of sucide to many times tocount found a way to get through it felt better an looked back and said to himself wat was I thinking and repeated tht over the past 30 yrs to many times to count. I know tht dark place...uhh too well....I just came out of it for the umptienth time. It has damaged my life .but the guilt and anxiety about my loved ones specifcally mom. Paralyzes me. I talk to a therapist and have been told my whole life i have all the gifts. Aytractive great shape high iq a leader articulate.. all useless dealing with this .. my family dad a sugeon mom a lawyer brother a lawyer uncle famous surgeon. And ive been struggling my whole life .if u asked people theyd say im charming outgoin take over the environments im in college high school. Lived in newport ri. For 10 yrs had most of the town saying half in jest I should eun for mayor because I knew everyone .big personality..but over the years tht persona is real but would drain me more and more an privately id isolate get depressed and things gradually became more dire over the years. This cycle would get worse and worse so I get it hiw publicly he got his"fix" out in public loved it it was a huge high. And privately would be at the other end of the spectrum. Im very analytical chess like in my thinking and observations and have such an acute understanding of every aspect of this disiese with almost a 2 decades of personal experience and information tht makes things clearer in as far as thinking actions reactions the whys hows and specific details of this monster disiese. Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

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