Barack Obama paid Tanya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly $30,000 to "kneecap" Sarah Palin at the Vice-Presidential debate.  The plot was foiled by Track Palin, using a hockey stick.

Every time Barack Obama says, "well, look," or "as I've said before," it is an encoded message to Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Barack Obama has appointed Monica Lewinsky to a high-level cabinet position, one that would entail many hours of private, secretive policy discussions.

Barack Obama has a secret collection of rare Pol Pot memorabilia in his Chicago home.

In 2006, Barack Obama played a pleasant game of croquet with the Shah of Iran in Munich.

Barack Obama owns one of the original drafts of the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx.

Barack Obama has requested that Air Force One be "pimped out".

Ladysmith Black Mambazo will be performing an altered version of "God Bless America" at the Inauguration, featuring complex African polyrythyms and edited lyrics.

Barack Obama plans to fire a nuclear missle at the home of former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke in Louisiana.

Barack Obama's favorite television program is The Golden Girls.

Barack Obama's smokes aren't really smokes.

Barack Obama hates cute little puppies.

Barack Obama has the power of invisibility.

Barack Obama cannot link any actor to Kevin Bacon in less than thirty steps.

Barack Obama's handlers had to convince him not to use the tag phrase "What you talkin' 'bout, John?" during the debates.

Uday Hussein organized Barack Obama's bachelor party in 1992.  One attendee referred to the occasion as "crazy wild".

Barack Obama prefers to go "commando".

Barack Obama is planning a NASCAR tax.

Barack Obama has arranged the marriage of his two daughters to an Arabian Oil Sheik.

Barack Obama's college diplomas are a forgery.  He actually dropped out of Columbia and followed the Grateful Dead for two years, in a Volkswagen Bus, with an odoriferous drifter named Pedro.