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Crisis in the Middle East
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Posted January 6, 2009
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U.S. Senators Rush to be First in Line to Fellate State of Israel
Washington, D.C. The race is on for U.S. Senators to prove to the public which member of that august body loves the State of Israel the most. Senate Majoirty Leader Harry Reid (D., Nev.) weighed in recently on "Meet the Press": "Clearly, the massive invasion Israel is waging against the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip is the right response. Did you know that over a half dozen Israelis have been killed by Palestinian rockets in the last couple of years? Clearly, the deaths of more than half a thousand Palestinians in the last few days is insignificant when compared to that staggering number of a half dozen dead Jews. Remember folks, these are the CHOSEN people of God we're talking about! Each one of them is worth, like, at least 1.5 Americans, and probably like 2 or 3 hundred Moslems. When you do the math that way you see that Israel's massive combined airstirke assault and ground invasion into an area swarming with hundreds of thousands of women and children is not just justified, it's actually morally right." When asked if it was OK that Israel appeared to be targetting UN schools where people had fled to avoid the fighting, Reid tersely responded: "There are no innocents in the Gaza Strip. Christ, Israel's been bombing the place for a week. Anyone who is innocent would have fled the area by now! Anyone that's left must be a jihadist. Come on people, that's obvious!" Senate Minorty Leader Mitch McConnell (R. Ken), rushed to show that he loved Israel even more than Sen. Reid. In a hastily convened conference Sen. McConnell had this to say: "Listen, I don't understand what all the fuss is about. Israel is just doing what needs to be done to keep their nation strong. They've rounded up all of the ethnic undesirables from their country and provided them with a nice, safe, walled area where they can live, separated from the rest of Israeli society so they can't taint their superior Jewish neighbors. And how do the Palestinians respond to this generous treatment at the hands of the Israelis? They fire primitive, 16th century fireworks at them! Clearly, massive revenge airstrikes are in order to teach the ungrateful little pricks a lesson!" Continued Sen. McConnell: "I'd suggest the Israelis take the next logical step. Now that you have all the Palestinians rounded up in a walled area where they can't move around freely and where you control their access to water, food and medical supplies, why don't you take the next logical step and make them wear armbands or something like that? Maybe a little blue armband with a white crescent on it so you can tell them apart. That way it will be easier to identify them at the checkpoints and guardposts you require them to go through whenever they want to go anywhere. Seems like a good solution to me. Maybe not the last solution you'd need to make, but a good one." When asked to comment on Israel's invasion of the Gaza Strip, Vice President Dick Cheney (R., Hades) at first seemed surprised: "What? The Palestinians? I gave the Israelis the OK to wipe them off the face of the earth nine months ago! What the f@ck have those lazy bastards been doing?" The vice President then vanished in a blinding flash of flame and black smoke, leaving behind only the reeking odor of brimnstone.
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