I'm so lonely without my son Taylor. It seems as though this year is so much harder to handle than last. Last year we had too much going on. Trying to get Brooke used to being away from her old school in Arizona. Pennsylvania was cold for her. The strange thing is, our neighbors were SO friendly! We were welcomed like family, it was as if I had known them all my life.

Yet, the new high school my daughter went to was so cold and unkind. Sure, the kids liked her because she's so cute. But they were unprepared to deal with her broken heart because they had never known her brother Taylor. It wasn't their fault they didn't understand. But watching my daughter deal with such a great amount of pain was just unbearable. All at once she was trying to deal with moving a cross the country from warm and sunny Arizona to cold and gray Pennsylvania.

She went from knowing where everything was to not knowing how to get to school! She went from a large school (3000 students) that adored her and her brother to a small school (500) students that didn't know who she was. She had new friends, teachers, school, house, doctors, orthos, dentists, even the landscape was different! She went from having it all to losing everything. All in the blink of an eye. Watching her deal with that immense pain was like watching my son drown all over again. Only this time in slow motion.

So here we are in Arizona, back to where I'd rather live and I'm

thankful for that. Our place is so much smaller here compared to the big house in PA, but this feels like home. After Brooke's senior year (she graduates in 2008) we have to move back to PA.

I don't want to leave this place anymore, everything reminds me of Taylor. I feel guilt in every bone of my body though now. Because I know my husband loves his job, it was his dream job - Sports! Also for the fact my sisters were back east.

I feel guilty putting my son through that last year knowing that he was going to have to spend his senior year at a strange school. I feel guilty knowing that he must have felt scared and sad knowing he would be away from his friends. (Brooke, Taylor and I stayed behind in AZ for 8 months while my husband went a head to PA for his new job). How very selfish of me. Sure we thought it was a great career move and that the kids would be able to attend an east coast college and hopefully choose to live on the east coast so we could expand our family in the future. But still.....

I feel guilty for thinking that I'd see him tomorrow when he drove off to go camping and not hugging and kissing him more. I feel

guilty for not knowing that the "feeling of impending doom" I told my husband I felt that morning was actually a warning that I didn't not heed. Am I responsible for my son's death? Was I supposed to stop it? Was it a test from God and I failed?????

I feel guilty knowing that my daughter feels sad watching her parents grieve. I watched my mother grieve herself to death when I was a teenager. My own mother died of a broken heart when her mother died and her family left her hanging.

My poor father he tried to raise us alone while battling alcoholism and working at a steel mill barely making ends meet. Now because of his bodily abuse, he has Alzheimer's. When I talk to him, he can't remember who I am half the time, nor who Taylor was. Which is so sad, because of all his grandchildren, mine were the closest to him. My son adored his grandfather! He's in New York and is almost completely deaf. He has a hearing aid that on good days when I call, he can hear me and we can talk a for a few moments. He's a very sweet man.

I wish I knew where I'll be in a year or two because I would have him move down here with us. I know he would prefer to be with one of us in AZ, but I'm in limbo. I can't move an 81 year old man who can only function sometimes a cross the country only to have him move again when I have to go! I'm so torn! Taylor would have loved to have had him with us. Even though my dad is sick, he's still the funniest man I know. I miss him too. I'm trying to be strong, but there is only so much a person can take.

I have lost so much and feel so alone in this world. I know Brooke loves me and that helps me going.

Taylor and I were very much alike. Two peas in a pod. Now that pod is broken and it is left to rot with only one pea left. I miss Taylor so much. I miss him so very much.

I wish I had died instead. They say that God never gives you more than you can handle, but this is definately more than I can handle.