I am an only child, born to parents in postwar WWII era. She expected a girl, since she had been raised with girls, but says she was thrilled to have a son. I do not know if this was making the best of a situation. Awareness of my gender difference came early, age 3-4.  My oldest memories are of being fascinated with the shoes of her women friends at a party. I was always attracted to female clothes.  This attraction had some reinforcement…it remains a great puzzle to me why my mother put female dress-up clothes in my toy box. ONLY female items. When I came out to her as an adult, she vehemently denied it. She accused ME of having memories planted by a therapist. This grieved me as it’s one of my strongest childhood memories. (A childhood friend confirmed it). There were two dresses and two pairs of pumps that I would dress up in regularly when alone. Playing with others, I saw male friends’ great lack of enthusiasm.  At seven, I began dressing in secret and lasting four decades. As I grew older, I decided something was very different with me, if not wrong. Sneaking every chance, I developed a stealthy secret life while constantly afraid of discovery. I recall a grade school teacher announcing a certain activity “for girls only”. My clear thought was, “Then I want to be a girl!”

At age nine, I broke a strap on my mother’s dressiest high heels while dressing in her room. I tried to hide it and after a few weeks passed, I forgot. One evening, my mother burst in on me. She shook the damaged shoe at me, demanding what I’d done. Being found out, I was terrified! I tearfully promised never to do “it” again. Hollow words and I knew it. What else could I do? It was a sincere, misguided attempt at repentance added to a lifetime of denial. I began a guilty life of secretive dressing, using extreme care to memorize the position of every article and return it to its place.

At puberty, I developed a fairly typical male body, but on the soft side. As changes appeared, I was dismayed at my new body hair. I continued to dress in secret and began to associate pleasure sexually from looking female. My interest in girls was becoming very strong. This never quelled my feminine desires. A late bloomer, quite shy and reserved, I finally dated at age 16. After that, I dated a lot, with all the angst of teen love. On graduation, I headed to college.

I met my future spouse who invited me to a Christian meeting where I accepted Jesus as Savior.  Although happy I made that decision, I began a long struggle with a verse that chilled my blood: Deut. 22:5, “A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man must not wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.”

Well, that’s not good! So, why not confess and quit? I did…over and over. It didn’t stop my desire. I prayed, bargained, swore to stop. I HAD to stop, according to God’s Word, or I was detestable to Him. The truth was I could never stop; it was who I was. Stopping for brief periods, I thought I beat this habitual “sin” problem. My shame and dismay came back each time I resumed dressing. I now believe two basic things. One, I was born in a way that makes my mind and soul partially masculine, but profoundly feminine within a male physical body. How or why I may never know, but the reality is too consistent to be otherwise. Second, this verse has been misinterpreted and misapplied and does not apply to being transgender.

We married after graduation, and like many, I thought I’d outgrow my need to be female. But, the drive never left me. I began a new phase of stealth...hiding dressing from my wife. At one office I worked, the receptionist became a friend. She was stylish, but also a larger gal. I devised an elaborate story around a Halloween “theme” costume party, based on “La Cage Aux Folles.” I asked for help creating an authentic female persona. She agreed. I had my first significant female transformation.  Overwhelmed with the image I saw in the mirror, I begged her to help me again for the night of the ‘party’. But when I arrived that night she had made a date to go out and could not do it. I was devastated! I vowed I’d find another opportunity. It took me 15 years filled with children, church, career and hiding.

Eventually, I felt extreme self loathing over my inability to deal with my desires. I was constantly failing… repenting, then falling back to ‘sin’ by cross-dressing. I became lethargic, gained weight while numbing myself with food and TV. I was at 250 pounds, felt terrible and began having chest pains. My marriage grew cold as I struggled with the secret.  She knew something was wrong, but sadly thought something was wrong with her. I knew we were growing apart. I was ashamed I could not tell the real reason, but feared that she would leave me. So I kept on in secret. When I dressed, I felt I was a hideous, but the lack of ‘pleasure’ did nothing to stop my drive to be female.

Then, a plan formed.  My office Halloween party was to be a costume event. I seized on this like a drowning person. This was going to be my only chance to spend an entire day as woman. Conspiring with some other employees, I wrote a skit with me as a female sales rep. I got my ‘costume’ together: purchased my first wig, shaved my legs and shopped for clothing. One of my fellow ‘actors’ became my coach, gave me makeup lessons, allowed me to come to her house to dress. On Halloween, I went to work as a woman and won first prize, with congratulations for ‘pulling it off’.

The result was: I broke down emotionally. I could no long lie to my spouse, so a few weeks later, I blurted out the truth. She was stunned. I had hidden myself very, very well. She had no knowledge of transgender issues and it was extremely confusing for her. All she knew was Max Klinger on M.A.S.H. We went on the Internet over several months to see what this all meant. As we uncovered good resources, I also shared my full history and she began to understand me in a new light. Finally, she said she got assurance from the Lord that it was fine for me to be this way and I should have the freedom to be feminine, and dress “when I could.” It was as though I was born again, again! One of the first things I did was to go on a serious weight loss program.  I lost 80 lbs. and regained my vitality.  My spouse and I rediscovered one another. There have been misunderstandings and renegotiations, but we found some measure of peace.  Now, my soul is free to be who I am inside.

One major downside: my mother has completely rejected my femaleness. I must still look male in her presence.  Therefore, I do not see her, only communicate by phone. On the brighter side, my two sons now accept me in their life. My daughter has been very supportive of me from the beginning and still is.  As I write this in 2009, I sit at my office workstation. I transitioned April 2004 in another firm and began living full-time, including work. The incredible story of my work coming out is in “Out of the Box: My Amazing Coming Out”, Grace and Lace Newsletter.

I found an excellent support group, Transgender Education Association of Greater Washington, DC, served a term as president. I gained many dear transgender brothers and sisters. Through TGEA and my MCC church, I have an outlet for helping others. Since transitioning I have: voted in elections, flown, been interviewed on radio and TV; travel to conferences, both professionally  and transgender events; lobby my state representatives, my senators and congressman in Washington; work full time as a professional and go everywhere I wish.  I speak at churches, participate in worship services; speak at university seminar classes on transgender issues; write articles for newsletters.  I’ve attended baby showers, wedding showers, house concerts, formal dinner dances, reunions, was Matron of Honor in a wedding and will be one of two mothers of the bride for our daughter this July.

So, my life now is very full and more balanced emotionally and spiritually. Of course, the struggles continue as I integrate my gender change into all aspects of living. All of my life is not "sweetness and light." No transsexual I know could say that, but can any human being really say it either?