This my story and I am sticking to it

Selena Martinez 3/22/2009

I am a Transgender Woman

Some say, rather most transsexuals/transgenders say you know it all your life, but then it is a matter of facing the reality and

Self-acceptance.

I have been aware of feeling that I am in the wrong body since I was three years old, and the feeling has never left me, only gotten stronger as I get older, and has developed into a reality I must embrace. I have spent my whole life in denial about myself and have lived as a man since this is the body I have, yet this body feels foreign to me, what I see in the mirror does not reflect my mind, heart and soul.

I have been a boyfriend, father, teacher and mentor, have had a few accomplishments as a man, yet I feel I have been role-playing, waiting for the next life to have some freedom to be me.

I have been a crossdresser all these years, even as a child to some degree, as I did not understand why I was a boy. I loved playing with barbies and wanted to be the wife or the nurse when playing house, when GI Joes were invented I had to start being a boy, and did not like it, as I had to start fitting into a society that told me I was male. I would try to push my penis inside of me hoping it would stay so I could be a girl again, that went on until I was twelve or so.

I dressed in my mom’s clothes and used her make-up whenever I could during my teen years, always in the closet and full of shame, yet I was driven to experience my femininity. I almost always had some women’s clothes and some make-up hidden as a young adult, but stayed deep in the closet, as I could not face my reality or my friends.

After a long relationship had ended, in large part because I could no longer contain my need to crossdress, I began to buy women’s clothes, shoes make-up etc and started shaving my body hair to feel more femme and convincing when dressed. I began dressing fully from wig to nails and all, and finally in 1995 I went out dressed for the first time to a club in SF. That was a momentous occasion and I felt exhilarated and free, I felt I was being seen by the world as who I really am and still feel that way when I go out Dressed as female. This is when I gave myself the name Selena Martinez.

Over the years I have “purged” my women’s things out of shame, or the start of a relationship, this is most common amongst Crossdressers and Transgender people, I still may feel that way at times but I know my path now and I really love being a Transgender Woman and feel blessed to be able to know and acknowledge my true being.

The problem of course is, I have the body of a man. I do everything I can, short of female hormones, feminine facial surgery and gender reassignment surgery to present as a woman, I am NOT trying to pass myself off or fool anyone. I have been told how good I look; I do take pride in my feminine appearance and strive to be at my best. This is NOT a fetish, kink, or sexual trip. Just being myself, period.

I avoid going out on Halloween dressed female because I do not feel I am in “costume” as a woman.

The outward appearance is in some part superficial but the clothing, make-up and wigs help to complete the image in the mirror.

Modern medical science has come a long way in gender

re-assignment surgery and is able to bring the body together with the mind, a true blessing as we can “own” our lives. I have been involved with Martial Arts for 35 years, and have earned three black belts and I feel this has helped me to be able to stay in my body and not have much “self-loathing” for my body.

I would say ALL men not born as a trans person could not even comprehend the thought of having their penis removed and replaced with a vagina, for me it is a natural progression in my life and I would undergo a complete transformation without reservation. I have been overwhelmed with this fact lately and this is where I stand today.

The issues involved are many, I am the father of a six year old daughter, I have parents, family and friends, not to mention the cost, and I could spend a hundred thousand dollars to make me right. The monetary cost is well worth it.

Many parents have had gender reassignment surgery successfully, meaning their children were able to accept and love their parent unconditionally.

My relationship with my child is intact, we will be in therapy to learn how to cope with this transition and I feel positive about the future. As it is, I have accepted for now that I must remain simply a Part time “crossdresser” until I can begin my physical transition in the very near future. I will do so in order to be able to express and present myself to the world as I feel.  I am not very comfortable about being a “crossdresser” but I need to start living my life as a woman.

I have been going out more often, usually after dark and usually to San Francisco where there are several bars that are gay or transgender friendly. The bar scene is not my favorite as I rarely drink alcohol, but this gives me the opportunity to be out and feel comfortable, and meet other Transwomen.

I feel the need to do more mainstream things like clothes shopping, hanging out at cafes, working and just basically living a normal life. The ultimate goal for all Transexuals is to just blend into society and live a happy, healthy and loving life.

Unfortunately, when I have to change back to being a man I get a bit depressed and would almost rather die then so I can die as a woman. I am not suicidal thank god for that, but way to many of my transgender sisters and brothers do commit suicide, become drug addicts or sell their bodies on the street, not to mention the violence and oppression we experience, as I write this I am in tears,  Gwen Araujo was a young Trans woman, 17 years old when she was murdered by three young men, she did not deserve to die for being true to her soul, for being brave and for living happy, how can I deny myself when she was sacrificed so I may live?

I also feel I must be true and honest with those I love. Part of me if not most of my soul is not shared with anyone except a few trans sisters and brothers and a group I just started attending, and a few very close friends who have given me their unconditional Love and support.  Also I am so much kinder, gentler and compassionate when I am fully present, meaning dressed presenting as female, my mind set at ease and in my female soul, my friends and family do not know me completely and I feel I owe them more and the truth, will the truth set me free?

I feel more free and enlightened with the knowledge that I must come out to face my people and my community. In fact it is a great gift I have received, the gift of courage, clarity, self-acceptance and true happiness and most of all, a live filled with Love.

I have gained lots of knowledge about the subject of gender, if the internet had been available to me when I was 15 my life might be very different now, the net has educated many and has exposed the validity of the transgender community.

The term “transvestite” was coined in Berlin in 1931 and is a crude and unwelcome term for transgender people, as well as “Shemale” “Tranny” “Genderbender” “Female impersonator” etc. We are simply Women and Men.

Sexual preference and gender are not related.

Since writing this I have begun my transition. I receive Therapy and will begin Hormone treatment. I receive my care at the Veterans administration Hospital in San Francisco as I am a Navy Veteran from the Vietnam Conflict.

ALL my friends and family have given me their full support and unconditional love, for which I am so very fortunate and blessed. I am becoming active in the Transgender community and will work to advocate, educate and help enrich the lives of Transgender individuals.