FEAR OF FAILURE

To Centellita, all obstacles were to be leaped because failure was his worst fear. He did not want people to see him fail.  That is why it was a challenge, every day, to go out to the streets and face his fears.  He knew that many people, in one way or another, would remind him that he would never be a winner and that anguished him and caused pain.  How ever, I think, it also gave him the chance to challenge himself and his fears.  He wanted people to change their opinions about him and, thus, he began to make adjustments in his life.  He started working on weekends in a factory near his place so grown-ups would gain confidence in him and to be a better son for his mom.  Even so, people kept their prejudice. 

Many of the kids of these people took advantage of Centellita’s bad reputation for blaming him for starting fights and arguments, but it was not always the case.  He defended himself very well for a boy of his age and would not let anybody abuse him or others.  The only reputation he had to stick to was not to let himself become a loser for the sake of the people he loved the most: his mother, Diana, Fleebag and the Old Wise Man.  He wanted to serve them well and did it with all the passion in the world.

Facing fear

I thank God that Centellita set an example for me in order to face fears and that I do not run away from them.  I confess that, in my mind, they seem like dragons or monsters that many times want to paralyze us and that we are afraid to confront them because we lack arms to combat them.

One day, at the end of a school day, Centellita went through a very dangerous situation. He had been detained for some minutes after school for talking in class.  All the kids rushed together to catch the bus because it was not safe to be alone in the streets of the Bronx back in those years.  On his way out of the building he comes face to face, in an empty street, with a hoodlum who puts a knife in his chest asking for his bus pass or money.  This guy was taller and bigger than Centellita.  Lots of things went through his head; even fear got him by surprise but he did not want his assailant to know he was frightened.  He thought that if he did show it would make things worse and, worst of all, would be to let this guy get away with his purpose.  Centellita did not know where he found enough courage; images of his loved-ones came to his head: his mom, Fleebag and, especially, Diana.

“What would they say if I let this happen to me without fighting back?”

I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, “I am not alone in this world; I got lots of friends, brothers and uncles; they’ll take care of you after I tell them.”

Evidently, this upset the guy for a moment and he replied, “What are you, a bully?”

I felt something in my chest; I did not know what he was thinking but he ran away. 

Centellita, immediately, felt very brave because, with words, he had defeated the abuser and was eager to tell his friends what had happened.

When he got on the bus, the driver told him, “You got blood on your shirt.  What happened?”

Centellita looked and became aware of how close he faced death but it wasn’t much.  It seems that when his aggressor got scared, he made some pressure with the knife and scratched him.  I don’t advise anyone to do the same as Centellita to control a mugger.  For me, he became a very brave boy and demonstrated that fears do not paralyze him.  This was not the only time in his life that he was threatened with an arm; it was something quite common in the Bronx.  Back then, in the District, there were drug dealers called “pushers”; they would stop you, knife in hand, to make you buy.  It was not easy to say NO; however, he kept away from drugs due to the promise he had made his mother.

We have a lot to learn about fear from this boy!  Every day we have to confront so many mental monsters that, in the end, cannot inflict physical harm on us.  Fear of failure can also be overcome.

Fear of Success

In my opinion, regarding success as something that is yet to come is a mistake.  Success is found within ourselves if we really look for it.  I know many people are afraid of success for fear, maybe, of the responsibilities or to come out of anonymity; some, for low self-esteem.  The word in itself brings exposition because being successful is to outstand from the ordinary.  In English EXIT is the act of going out or away; success is to stand out in the multitude like the Roman gladiators or like Olympic athletes.  Many persons, not seen due to their low self-esteem, prefer to say anonymous and, even, lower their heads when somebody else looks at them.  Imagine if they were observed by a crowd at the same time.

On a certain occasion, Centellita was quarreling with the Old Wise Man and with Diana about being so poor and for being despised, about not being able to read like the rest; not having a biological father who would care for him; not having a talent and, however, feeling successful.

The Old Wise Man said to him, “Actually, you don’t see all the negative things you mention.  You see yourself on top of all that because of the faith you’ve got in you.”

Diana looked at him in a way he could never get over and that made his heart beat like never before.  On that day he experienced the first look he got from a girl that pierced his heart.  Thus, he saw, in poverty, how good it felt to be successful in the presence of others.  He understood that being successful is to leave all fear of failure, negative things, low self-esteem and, even, fear of success behind.

Fear of solitude when there is no role model to follow

Feeling lonely became something common for Centellita for not having a paternal role model.  This loneliness kept him in search for such a model to follow.  Whenever he was challenged, threatened or despised, he thought to himself, “If I had a father by my side, everything would be easier because he would teach me what to do in the most difficult moments.”

Reality, however, would hit his small heart very strongly and he knew he would have to live with that.  And every night, he would go to bed crying and yearning for such a role model.

One day, in the park (at Randall’s Island) he sat on the shore of the river and began to shout, “God, do you exist?  If you do, bring back my dad.” 

This prayer, obviously, was not answered and he lost all hope that his father would return.  Again, he looked up towards the sky and asked that he, himself, would be his own father and that God would send him human role models for him to follow.  In due time, these began to show up and one of them was the Old Wise Man. 

Each one of us has a mission in life and it is to model for others.  This modeling is crucial for people to be successful in their endeavors.  Consequently, we should follow the steps of those who of good character, principles, values and, of course, success.  Be the best role model!