Fear. That is what I feel after the Fort Hood shootings last week. Fear, that I am no longer safe in a place that I felt very secure, an America military base. Fear, that my spouse is even at risk while performing the most mundane activities required by his job. Fear, that my kids and my friends’ kids are at risk in ways I could never bare to consider. And, most of all, I fear that my children will be afraid of the service members that surround them because, let’s face it- this man was a lot like Daddy in many ways.

I am a military spouse and the Fort Hood shootings shook a place deep in my gut. Even though it might seem ironic to most people outside of the military, it is very easy to feel safe and protected from danger on a military base. This is especially true when at a military base on American soil.

The risks that we worry more about are the risks from the outside and the risks our service members take when they deploy to war zones or to training. We do not think that we are dangerously at risk at the base clinic or family readiness centers despite the prevalence of weaponry and people trained to use it and definitely not by our health care providers.

This tragedy is a devastating blow to many military families not only because of the loss of so many dedicated souls, but because we routinely look to each other for the help we cannot get from our families who are often so far away. After events such as this, our level of trust is challenged and will likely struggle to be the same again.

This man single-handedly and from miles away violated my sense of security. The comfort and trust I once felt in the camaraderie of this life despite its challenges is damaged.

Naively, I suppose, I never really considered the fact that “one of our own” would turn against his family in such a way. It is a harsh reminder of the humanity of our service members and the immense challenges that many of them encounter as a result of their calling to service that is often hidden by a façade of well-trained professionalism. We forget that these strong men and women are human, too. The shooter’s acts are indescribably horrific and unforgivable, but how did he slip through the cracks into such a desolate place? Why did this happen? Until we know why, the fear will linger, but we must not let it rule.