I started drinking alcohol and using drugs in the 9^th grade…like many others, I’m sure.  However, for me, I had finally found a cure to my feelings of inadequacy, feelings of less than, feelings of inferiority and in short, my insecurities seemed to vanish.  That huge hole I had always felt in my gut disappeared.  It was fun, at first.  Slowly, but surely though, over the course of many years, my dreams and interests I had as a young boy, gave way to more and more drug and alcohol abuse, until eventually, I let go of all my dreams and interests, lost everything, and ended up homeless and penniless.

From the 9^th grade, all the way through high school, I was a straight “A” student, and a very good athlete.  I loved football and baseball.  Prior to the 9^th grade, I played and excelled at both sports.  Once I started using drugs and drinking alcohol, my self confidence began decreasing and my desire to “party” took on increasing importance.  Somehow, I managed to burn the candle at both ends throughout high school…I maintained an “A” GPA and played baseball while drinking alcohol and using drugs ever more increasingly.  However, I had already made the decision to give up on one sport I loved, football, so that I could party more.  Looking back now, this was the first of many concessions to come, that gave way to King Alcohol and drugs.  I managed to earn a scholarship to Occidental College for my high grade point average.  Additionally, the baseball coach from Occidental College came to my high school, La Canada High School, to recruit me to play baseball.  My dreams were to play baseball, take Pre-Medicine courses, and eventually move on to medical school to become a doctor. By this time though, drugs and alcohol had me in its grip.

Once I got to Occidental College and got situated in my dorm, saw all the girls and partying going on, I made a decision to not play baseball…another dream gone.  I managed to get decent grades my first year but, joined a fraternity the second year.  Soon, I was drinking more than ever and doing more drugs…marijuana, coke, acid, pot, mushrooms and various pills.  I was addicted to marijuana by this time and a full blown alcoholic.  The other drugs were recreational but, whenever I had a chance, I would do them.  By the end of my second year at Occidental College my grades had dropped sharply.  It was clear I would not make it to medical school...so, I gave up that dream and dropped out of college.  Two years later, I transferred to California State University, Los Angeles and eventually, I earned my Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration, specializing in Accounting.  During the two years between Occidental and CSULA, I picked up two DUI’s.  I eventually would rack up 7 DUI’s and many other miscellaneous misdemeanors over the next 20+ years.  Fortunately, I have never received a felony…should have though.  After graduating from CSULA, I worked in the accounting field for 4 years and then, at age 28, I received my real estate license and went on to sell real estate for the next 17 years.  By the age of 28, I had accumulated 4 DUI’s and several other misdemeanor convictions.  However, I was driven and very quickly, I became a very successful real estate agent.  Within a couple of years, I was making 100+K per year.  My last year in the real estate business, I made $198,000.00.  Underlying all this success though, there were real personal problems resulting from my ever increasing drug and alcohol abuse.  Because I was making so much money, I was able to fix my problems quickly with lawyers and the ability to pay fines, etc.

I became a highly successful real estate agent.  I drove nice cars, wore beautiful three piece suits, owned a home, rental properties, a boat and lots of “stuff.”  I really thought I had it going on.  I always had women at my fingertips and was addicted to sex as well.  I used my money, drugs and alcohol to attract women.  At 34 years of age, I was married and had a son, Cody with my ex-wife, Leslie.  My son, Cody, is now 15 years old.  My marriage lasted 3 years as it was filled with infidelity, drunkenness, and horrible behavior on my part.  I also picked up a gambling habit (I am compulsive in everything I do) and lost thousands and thousands of dollars.  I tried hiding it from Leslie, but soon, she discovered my gambling addiction.   One weekend, I lost $17,000 gambling on college basketball.  Leslie began noticing the money that was missing.  Eventually, Leslie could not take anymore and filed for divorce.  I felt horrible.  I knew I was destroying my life but, just couldn’t stop my bad behavior.

After my divorce, I made a couple of futile attempts at sobriety but eventually, my old behavior and way of thinking would return, and I would return to drinking.  At this point, in my late 30’s, I was drinking mostly and occasionally using drugs.  After trying to stay sober for a time, I would somehow forget the horror of my last episode and start believing that somehow, some way, I could drink and use drugs recreationally.  All the evidence though, up to that point in my life, indicated otherwise.  I had received my 5^th DUI at age 34 and had now failed in my marriage.  That is the insanity underlying alcoholism and drug abuse…the idea that somehow, some way, next time will be different.  The people I met in Alcoholics Anonymous during my futile attempts to stay sober told me that maybe I would have to lose everything before I surrendered.  I felt there was no way that would ever happen.  I used to drive by homeless people and wonder how in the world they could let things get that bad.  I would soon find out.

Somehow, even with all my legal and personal problems, I continued to be a very successful real estate agent.  I was the top salesperson for three different real estate companies.  I won the “Salesperson of the Year” award 8 years in a row at one company, Ellis Realty, and was inducted into their “Hall of Fame.”  I was also the top salesperson for two other companies, “Foothill Realty” and “Re/Max Tri-City” (their La Crescenta office).  I received many awards and honors. I was recognized by my community and colleagues within the industry as a top professional.  Underlying all of this success though were mounting personal and legal problems and full blown alcoholism.

And then, I made a decision that would send my life spiraling downward in a very short period of time.  At age 42, I had just received my 6^th DUI.  One of my real estate clients introduced me to Crystal Meth.  I was told that I would be able to drink more alcohol without getting sloppy and out of control.  From the moment I ingested (smoked it through a glass pipe) Crystal Meth, I was addicted.  When I first started using crystal meth, I had full joint legal custody of my son, Cody, I was making good money, had a home, had a boat, had lots of stuff, I wore expensive suits and I had just come off my best year ever in real estate earning $198,000.

There was not a day, for the next 3+ years, that I went without this drug…unless I was in jail. I very quickly found myself surrounded by other crystal meth users, as I was the one with the home, money and drugs…but, not for long.  They took what they could, for as long as they could, until everything was gone. During this 3 year period, I would lose everything…I lost my home, my car was repossessed, my custody rights to my son, Cody, were stripped, all of my personal possessions were either lost or stolen, my real estate license was revoked and I ended up homeless and penniless.  I soon found myself sleeping in bushes, on benches, in parks, in abandoned cars, etc.  I began stealing from stores in order to buy drugs and alcohol, eat and/or get a hotel…in that order.  I was in and out of jail…for petty theft, drug possession and drug paraphernalia. I now understood how someone could become homeless.  I felt a hopelessness I had never felt before.  My problems had become so many and so complex that I got to the point where I did not know where to begin to start putting my life back together again.  My life was destroyed.

And then, one morning after spending the night in some bushes behind a McDonalds in Hollywood, the terror I felt led me to make a phone call to a friend of mine, Ruben, whom I had become friends with while attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in the past with the Pacific Group.  I was crying and desperate.  I asked him for help and told him I had no place to go.  He made some calls and when I called him back he told me to make my way to the Claire Foundation in Santa Monica…he had arranged for me to be admitted there.  I somehow managed a bus ride to the Claire Foundation and was admitted in.  When I first arrived at Claire, I weighed 140 pounds (I now weigh 195 pounds), my cheeks were sucked in and I looked like a skeleton.  I have found out since that my family truly thought they were someday going to get the call that I had died.  After 3 weeks of detoxing at Claire, I was transferred to Acton Rehabilitation Center in Acton, California. 

I was so happy to be going to Acton.  I had heard many good things about Acton.  I was assigned a counselor, Joel, who was the perfect counselor.  Joel recently passed on…I loved this man for his kindness, caring and compassion.  He was an awesome man.  He died with over 30 years of sobriety.  He helped me tremendously and restored some hope in my life.  I began to feel like maybe I could recover from my alcoholism and drug addiction and perhaps there was a chance that I could start over.  I volunteered in the kitchen while at Acton and met a man named Carlos who was one of the staff members.  Carlos shared with me that he had attended “The Culinary Institute of America” (CIA) in Hyde Park, New York.  Since I had lost my real estate license, I knew that part of my recovery meant that I would have to find a new career.  Since I was a young boy, I have always loved to cook and bake.  I asked Carlos if he felt there was any chance that perhaps I could attend this school.  I will never forget him saying “if there is a will, there is a way.”  That was all it took.  After making several calls to the CIA in New York, they sent me enrollment forms and I was required to write an essay explaining why I would like to attend the CIA.  I wrote the essay, filled out and returned the admission forms, and before I knew it, I was accepted.  Between the loans I received from the government and the grants awarded to me from the CIA, I was not required to come up with any money.  Good thing, because I had no money.  I stayed at Acton until I had 90 days of sobriety and within two weeks after leaving Acton, I found myself in Hyde Park, New York…age 46…a student at “The Culinary Institute of America.”

I would like to say that I continued my sobriety and never drank or used again.  You might think that would be the case.  However, I neglected to maintain my sobriety.  I did not attend AA meetings, I did not pray, I did not have a sponsor and I did not live by spiritual principles.  In a short period of time, I began drinking again.  I had a job on campus and was soon able to buy a beat up old van (with no reverse) for $600.00.   Very soon afterwards, I picked up my 7^th DUI.  Additionally, in a blackout, I got into a fight with another student on campus.  The school was ready to expel me but, I appealed the decision.  All students at the CIA, after 6 months of learning the basics of culinary arts, are required to go out into the real world and complete an externship at an approved externship site and then return to school to finish.  I found an approved restaurant in Mammoth Lakes, California to go to.  I wanted to do my externship in California so that possibly I might be able to see my son.  I was a little worried about returning to California though, because I had a warrant for my arrest for a failure to appear on a petty theft charge.  It was a felony warrant because I had a prior petty theft conviction,  Nevertheless, I decided to go to Mammoth Lakes to do my externship.  The CIA decided not to expel me just prior to my leaving for my externship and I was required to pay a fine only.  I was able to convince an attorney in New York to handle my DUI case based on a promise that I would pay him his retainer fee.  He was skeptical but, agreed.  He was able to postpone my sentencing until after my externship was over and I returned to New York to resume my studies.

Once again, my drinking was about to destroy everything…my opportunity to complete my education at the CIA and learn something that could help me begin a new career and of course, the legal and personal problems were in my life yet again.  In January of 2007, after a night of drunkenness and taking several pills with a girl less than half my age, I loaded up my beat up old van and started my drive to California, hung-over once more.  I remember thinking to myself as I was pulling away from campus that I was blowing it.  I knew it was just a matter of time until I would lose it all yet again…that is, what little I had built up from my short stint of sobriety would be gone and I would be on the streets.  I prayed constantly over the next three days, while I was driving from New York to California, to not drink.  I told myself that I would find Alcoholics Anonymous as soon as I got to Mammoth Lakes.  My van broke down in Utah and I was towed to a nearby town where the tow truck driver dropped my car off at his family’s wrecking yard / auto repair shop and allowed me to spend the night on the couch of his family’s home.  The next day they fixed my van and I was forced to call my Dad & Stepmother to see if they could put the bill on their credit card, which they agree to.  Then, only 30 miles from Mammoth Lakes, I broke down again.  I was forced to call my Dad one more time and ask if he could pay for the tow from Lee Vining, California to Mammoth Lakes, which he agreed to.  I was towed into the employee housing parking lot but, amazingly, I was 3 days clean and sober.  This was a miracle…I normally would have drank after what I had just gone through on that 3 day trip across the U.S.

The very next day I went to the local library and asked if there were any Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in town.  They informed me there were meetings located directly across the street from the employee housing I was staying in…another miracle.  The roommate I was paired with in employee housing turned out to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and was clean and sober for 15 years…coincidence?...I don’t think so.  I immediately began going to AA meetings and continued every night and/or day.  If I worked at night I would go to meetings during the day and vice versa. I very quickly found a man by the name of Joe to be my sponsor.  He had 17 years of sobriety and it was clear that he lived by the spiritual principles suggested in the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous.  He welcomed me to the Mammoth Lakes group of A.A. and seemed to go out of his way to make myself and other newcomers feel welcome. When I asked him to sponsor me, he asked me some questions, one of which led me to tell him I had a warrant for my arrest in California I was worried about.  I explained to him that I did not intend to deal with it until I finished my education at the CIA.  I was fairly sure that by appearing for this matter, I would be imprisoned and not have the opportunity to finish my externship and return to New York to complete my education.  He told me that if he was going to sponsor me, I would have to take care of this failure to appear before I returned to New York.  My first thought was that I asked the wrong guy to sponsor me…there was no way I was going to appear on this matter at that time.  However, something made me change my attitude toward this.  For the first time ever, I was willing to do whatever was suggested of me to stay clean and sober.  I wrote the court and requested another court date.  My sponsor went with me to court…we went down a day ahead of time and got a hotel room.  I will never forget the morning of the court appearance…when I woke up, I saw my sponsor, on his knees, praying.  When I asked him what he was praying about, he told me he was praying for me and for a positive outcome in court.  I believe this was a huge turning point in my life…I was able to see that this man genuinely cared about me and this caring about others was the key to his sobriety.  In order to stay clean and sober, I too must help others.

Once in court, there were several cases called before mine.  The judge was not very lenient with them and he handed down several prison sentences.  I was convinced I too was going to prison.  I gave my sponsor all of my money, wallet, keys, etc. and asked him to put the money on my books once I went to jail.  Then, the public defender approached us and said that the District Attorney wanted to speak with my sponsor and I in a private room before sentencing…a move, the public defender said, was quite unusual.  After speaking with me, and more so with my sponsor, the D.A. said that he believed in the power of Alcoholics Anonymous and could see how it was apparent in my sponsor, and decided to reduce my felony to a misdemeanor and gave me community service.  It was over…one of my biggest fears was gone.

When my sponsor and I returned to Mammoth Lakes, I began working the steps with Joe.  My externship period was extended by the CIA, and after 6 months in Mammoth, I had worked through the first nine steps of the 12 steps of recovery.  I finished my externship with high praise from my employer and I completed my community service.  I even managed to save enough money to buy another car for $400.00…a car I still have, over two years later.  I returned to New York with six months of sobriety.  I faced the consequences for my 7^th DUI and completed all the sentencing requirements.  I paid my attorney the retainer fee I promised I would pay him from the earnings of my job on campus.  I attended AA meetings in New York for the remainder of my education.  In May of 2008, I graduated from “The Culinary Institute of America” with an Associates Degree in Occupational Studies, Culinary Arts.  I made the decision to return to Mammoth Lakes where I got sober and where my sponsor lived.  I felt this was the safest place for me to go, and quite frankly, the only place for me to go.  I moved into a sober living house when I arrived in Mammoth and remained there for another six months.

On January 22, 2010 (nearly 2 ½ months from now), I will celebrate three years of sobriety…clean and sober.   I continue to live by the spiritual principles suggested in the 12 Steps of Recovery.  I practice Steps 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis.  When I made a list of the people I had harmed, my amends list, I knew it would take the rest of my life to complete this step.  I continue to make amends to the people I have harmed when the opportunity arises…many of these amends are financial in nature and I can only make them when I am financially able to.  I have been sending my ex-wife, Leslie, child support every month since returning to Mammoth…only $200 per month for now but, my plan is to continue paying her child support after Cody turns 18 to make up for the back child support I owe her.  I have telephoned or paid personal visits to several people on my amends list and either paid them the money I owed them or asked them for a dollar amount that would make them feel satisfied as to my financial obligation to them.  To those people I am unable to pay right now; I made it clear to them that I will eventually begin making payments when I am able.  I have filed an “Offer in Compromise” with the IRS for the $24,000.00 tax liability I owe them from the 2002 tax year in which I made so much money…I am awaiting their answer.  And finally, I continue to get threatening letters from several financial institutions about the money I owe them.  I will deal with all of them as I am able to.

But some are personal in nature…my son, Cody, my Mother, my Dad and Stepmother, and many friends I have used and abused.  I have telephoned many friends and made amends to them or, visited them personally.  My son, Cody, spent the entire month of August with me in Mammoth Lakes…we went camping, fishing, saw “Jersey Boys” in Las Vegas and spent some awesome time together.  For the first time in many years, I felt like his father.  My Dad and Stepmother (Teri), came to Mammoth in their motor home and I was able to visit with them, make them dinner and go fishing several times with my Dad.  My stepmother, at one point, broke down crying and stated “it is so good to have you back, Rocky. I thought you were going to die.”  Her and my Dad could not believe the changes in me.  My ex-wife, Leslie, calls and consults with me about Cody…just a few years ago, I could only see Cody under adult supervision.  I speak with my Mom (Karen) regularly and she is happy to have her son back.  My brother, sisters, grandmother and many other relatives have expressed their joy to have the “real” Rocky back in their lives.

After waiting tables for several restaurants in town, I finally landed a job as a cook at  Mammoth Hospital.  I make enough money to get by, pay child support every month, afford a small one bedroom apartment in Mammoth, pay for car insurance and a cell phone, pay my two student loans and slowly, but surely, make attempts to pay my overwhelming financial amends.  I still drive that car I bought for $400.00.  Each month, I just get by.  I remain hopeful, though, that my financial life will improve.  But, no matter what, my primary objective is to stay clean and sober and live by spiritual principles. Over the course of many years, I have racked up 10 misdemeanors on my criminal record.  Because I cannot afford an attorney, I figured out the procedure to have convictions expunged, downloaded the appropriate forms from the internet, and have now been successful at having six of them expunged.  I am awaiting the court dates for the last four expungements.  My goal is to petition the California Department of Real Estate for my real estate license to be reinstated once all of my convictions are expunged.  For now though, I am very grateful to have my job at Mammoth Hospital.

I remain a very active member of the Mammoth Lakes Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I attend AA meetings 3-5 times per week depending on my work schedule.  I reach out to newcomers and try to show them, by my example, they can put their lives back together again and live a good and meaningful life, based on spiritual principles.  I have spoken at the local high school, Mammoth Lakes High School, and participated in several speaking engagements to other groups about my recovery.  In January of this year, I was elected as the “Jail Coordinator” for our group where I arrange to bring AA meetings to the men and women that are incarcerated in the local jail, Bridgeport Jail, to hopefully pass on the hope and strength I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Just recently, I was asked by a newcomer to be his sponsor.  He is doing very well, has nearly 90 days of sobriety, and is on his way to getting his family and life back.

I am at peace most days.  The “hole” in my gut is gone on most days.  I try not to regret the past.  My sponsor always tells me…”Our dark past is sometimes our greatest asset.”  I try to remember this when I feel down and overwhelmed.  When I live my life, on a day to day basis, focusing on what I am grateful for rather than what I do not have, I am fairly comfortable in my own skin.  My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics (or addicts, or both). I should be dead…I have been shot at…I have been beaten by drug dealers…I need to remember, always, that I am lucky to be alive