Hi Jane, and anyone else who may read my story; my name is Amy. I am an addict. I chose to tell you this before sharing any other detail about myself because- before anything else- I am an addict. For the past 22 years I have placed my addiction ahead of any other thing in my life- my children, husband, my family; today I place recovery first. My story will disclose like many others you have heard; when I started using, what I was like when I used, how I found recovery and what I am like now. On October 18, 2009 I celebrated my first year in recovery. I am 34 years old now and I am blessed with a loving family, beautiful children, a husband who has taught me the meaning of unconditional love and friends in 2 loving fellowships -but life was not always this way for me. My wish, in sharing my experience, strength and hope – is that someone who struggles with addiction- can find some inspiration in my story.

     I started drinking at 12 years of age. My parents owned businesses that allowed me the opportunity to obtain alcohol. They were also very busy so I was left alone a lot of the time. I would binge drink with my friends at least 4 or 5 times a week. Sooner than most, I was experimenting with drugs and by 14 years old had been arrested 3 times. I was in and out of the States custody and foster homes through those few years, as my parents could not control me or my drug and alcohol use. My father bought me everything I desired- clothes, horses a speed boat, anything I wanted; nothing filled that deep void I felt besides drugs and alcohol. At the age of 15 -after a drug raid on a motel room where I was found half dead after an 11 day cocaine binge- I was placed in a treatment center. I entered just before my 16^th birthday, weighed 87 pounds and was angry as hell. After spending 5 months there I was let out and used within 3 days. I continued to use for the next 20 years. During this time, I dropped out of school; I gave birth to 4 children, had 3 failed marriages, lived in 4 states and lost my driver’s license 4 times for drunk driving. The hell that I lived in during this time cannot be described. I did this all before the age of 30.

     Over the years, I would try to quit using drugs but failed. The past 22 years my life consisted of lying, cheating, stealing, degradation, dereliction and fear. I harmed many people who loved me but most of all I harmed myself. I spent time in jail, crack houses, bars, backseats, closets, basements and mental institutions. I will keep the rest of the details to myself for now; as I am not at the point in my recovery where I should share those with another human being. That will come later. I would like to skip to the day where I found a light at the end of the dark tunnel I had traveled for so long. In the end of my using I was taking about 50,000 milligrams of opiates along with Kolonopin, Morphine, alcohol and Crack Cocaine. I used anything to numb the pain. I would use from the time I opened my eyes until I shut them. I weighed less than 100 pounds. I had burns on my lips sores on my face and blisters on my hands. I would stay up for days on end and sleep only when I was waiting to get more. My whole life consisted of getting drugs, using them and finding ways and means to get more; I lived to use and used to live. I was a garbage can for any kind of pills I could get my hands on and my crack addiction was costing me everything I owned. I had smoked away house payments, student loans; my children’s future. I would sit in my closet and contemplate suicide for hours. My husband was planning to leave and take my 4 children with him. I was not allowed in the house if I was high. Child services were coming to my home at any time. I would stare at my front door, just waiting for it to be kicked in. Paranoia was all I knew. My life -as I knew it -was over. On October 15^th I went and bought my last bag of dope. I told my family that- when it was gone- I would go get help. The next day I was taken to an ER and told that if I did not get medical help I would not live another week.        Blood tests showed my kidneys were both non functional and my liver was severely diseased. I was having heart problems due to the fact that I was smoking cocaine and eating handfuls of pills. My body could not take any more abuse. At 33 years old, I was told I had to either get clean or die. After telling me I had days to live, they then told me that there were no beds available in Michigan. I decided I would die trying. On October 18^th 2009, I was out of drugs, had no money to get more and still no bed. My family had no more pills to give me, I had not urinated in 8 days and my eyes were yellow. I was certain that I was in full liver and kidney failure and that- if I lay down in my bed- I would die. While I sat in my kitchen watching my family, call center after center trying to get me a bed, when I simply walked out my front door and got into my husband’s truck. I placed my head on the steering wheel and said out loud “Please God, help me. I cannot do this alone and I don’t want to die. I give up. Please God, help me”! For the first time in my life- my desire -to stop using- was stronger than my desire to use! I started driving – thinking that there was a noon Narcotics Anonymous meeting- and when I arrived there; there was only one car in the parking lot. I fell though the front door of that church and seen a man sitting at a table with a book in his hand. He looked up at me with the kindest eyes I have ever seen in my life. I said to him, “I need help.” We immediately drove to the local ER. He later told me that the NA meeting had been over for an hour and he could not leave the church; he did not know why, but he could not leave. The kind eyed man took me into the ER – which was the 3^rd I had been in the same amount of days- and was talking quietly with a doc while I lay on the floor of the waiting room.

I will skip all of the little details and tell you now – that within 15 minutes- that kind eyed man had found a bed for me in a detox center. It is my belief that at 10:18am on 10/18, when I asked the God of my understanding for help, it was given. (There is a lesson here as well. We cannot ask for help without doing some footwork. I had to go and find the help that God had placed at that church for me) After spending some time in Detox- which was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life- I was taken home and sacred out of my mind. There were no more IV’s, catheters, nurses or protocols to make me well or to protect me from what I was about to face. I prayed 5,000 times a day and white knuckled my way through the first couple of weeks. I was a terrified woman with the emotional mind of a 12 year old that had 4 children and a life filled with responsibilities and expectations. I wanted to live and was determined that this time I would stay clean come hell or high water! I went back to that church every chance I got and waited for that kind eyed man. He helped me get a sponsor, 12 step literature and told me to keep coming back. He told me that he would love me until I loved myself. He once shared with me that I helped him. I could never figure that out! He explained to me that when I walked through that door he knew that he remained clean that day to help me get clean. I reminded him – that day- that addicts were still dying outside the doors of that program and he had to stay where he was. He taught me that we cannot keep what we have unless we give some of it away. I suppose you are wondering how that kind eyed man got me that bed in detox, when my family could not- which is what I wondered after I was able to think with a clear mind. The angel that the God of my understanding chose to place in that church was a doctor; he is also one of us- an addict. I cannot express my gratitude for him or for the fellowships that have welcomed me in or the addicts that have hugged me told me to hang in there and convinced me that it does get better. They have helped me do things as simple as cooking and cleaning- without being high- to things as complicated as to learning how to face life on life’s terms. My fellow addicts have taught me acceptance, humility, honesty and love. I have learned to live life one day at a time, not to place expectations on myself or others and to pray. In the morning I pray for God to take my will and my life- to show me how to live. At night- I thank God for helping me stay clean another day (At 6 months clean I had the Serenity Prayer tattooed down my back). I learned to find my own happiness in my heart and make the best out of what I have. My sponsor has taught me that not all women will hurt you and that there are people in this world who will love you just as you are.  Finally admitting that I was powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable WAS FREEDOM! Finally, I was not a bad person, predisposed to being a liar, cheat and thief. I was not the daughter of a demon and I did not deserve to be unhappy. God was not punishing me. I am a good person; I just have a disease. I knew from that point, I would get better; and it has.

     I am graduating from college this summer with Honors and have been accepted into Pre-Law school. My children are now 15, 14, 11 and 8 and love having a mother they can be proud of! I am currently coaching cheerleading for a 7^th and 8^th grade youth and cannot believe how far I have come in one short year! I drove a derby car- numbered 3:16 and named NAIOU1 last summer, and I won. It is amazing to do things today that my addiction kept me from. I am learning to be an acceptable, responsible and productive member of my community and society. Today- when I speak- I am speaking the truth. My life is simple. I will not manipulate you, control you or cheat you. I place principles before personalities and never forget where I came from. I check my motives often and try my best not to judge. I love openly and laugh quickly. I have a spiritual lightness to me that I could never explain and a smile that will make you want to smile with me. I am committed to this life of recovery and committed to staying clean for myself, my God, my children, and my family and for the kind eyed man who saved my life. My name is Amy. I am an addict and just for today, I never have to use again.

THE MIRACLE IS THAT- WE DO RECOVER!!!!!!!!

judgingamy31@aol.com