My name is Carren Clem and I am a meth  addict. My addiction is something that I am going to face the rest of  my life.
     I was the typical American teenager.  My father was a retired LA police officer. He moved my family to Kalispell  Montana when I was very young. He thought that it was a “safe”  place that my siblings and I could grow up; after all it was “the  last best place.”

     From the time I was very young I did not do well in school. I hated math and science but excelled in the  arts especially as a competitive violinist. Despite my musical talent,  it was not enough to compensate for poor grades and lack of relationships  with classmates. I developed a very low self esteem and by the time I transferred to a public High School after completing parochial school, I was desperate to fit in and feel good about myself.

     At the beginning of my freshmen year, I skipped class to go to a friend’s house and drink. Later we were  supposed to attend a football game but due to a date rape drug, I never  made it. I was 14 feeling dirty and disgraced and no longer cared about  life. I became involved in using drugs and alcohol daily and school  melted into a blur of faded memories. For several years I continually used drugs and alcohol. Those choices resulted in another rape, attempted  suicide and dissipation of an academic career.

     At the age of 17, I was  starting to get my life in order with a good job, paying bills but still  drinking, drugging and partying. It was then that I was unknowingly  introduced to methamphetamines. Instantly I became consumed with an  uncontrollable love affair with a drug frequently referred to as Russian  roulette. The day after my first use I was sitting in church bible study  trying to figure out how to get more. I began using before work, during  lunch, after work and any other moment throughout the day I could steal  away to the bathroom or take a quick drive. After the first month I  quit caring who saw how crazed I had become and what people thought.  After three months I had spent over 10,000 dollars, including hot checks  which my parents had to cover after I walked out of their house abandoning  them for my drugs.

  After Six months of using I found  myself living on the streets of the Flathead Valley. Atlhough I didn't know it at the time, my father was shaken from retirement and began a dangerous investigation in order to try to find me and have me arrested. I resorted to theft,  prostitution and whatever else necessary to acquire my drugs and especially  to avoid crashing into withdrawals. I no longer felt alive or that life  could ever exist without drugs. I felt that people like me couldn’t  have life after drugs. I was no longer using to get high; I was using  to simply feel normal. I attempted suicide wanting peace.

     Several days later, I awoke in a great  deal of pain and terrified by what my life had become. I called my old  youth pastor who immediately contacted my parents and together they  arranged to have me sent away to a short term treatment experience.  Upon arriving in the high desert of Idaho, I was informed that I would  be hiking through the rugged territory till I completed the program  successfully. I hiked for 21 days trying to bide time till I could get  home and get a fix. By the end of the detox period it was clear that  my addiction was very serious and so my parents transferred me to a  long-term, lock-down rehabilitation and behavior modification school  in Jamaica.

  For the first three months in the  Jamaican treatment facility all I could do was think about how to get  home and get back to my “friends” - and more specifically to my  meth. Nine months into treatment, I witnessed a fellow classmate leap  from the school roof to her death. This was a powerful wake up call  and I realized that if I didn’t change, the next time I attempted  suicide I was  going to succeed.

     I spent 18 months in rehabilitation  before I was ready to reintegrate into a clean lifestyle back in the  United States. I thought that the scariest thing in the world was going  home, however, shortly after being home it was all too clear that the  scariest and hardest thing was staying clean. I felt the need to make  restitution for the horrible things that I had done to a great number  of people. Consumed with the reality that relapse can happen to anyone, my  family and I decided to set up a non-profit group to help families in  crisis.

     As a result of this group,Teens ‘N’  Crisis, I began sharing my story with teenagers around the country.  I didn’t propogate the agenda of “don’t do drugs because they  are bad!” Instead, I simply shared my choices and how they have affected  my life and are tragically still affecting my life each and every day.  This work has expanded and I now share with kids around the U.S. and  the world how making choices today will affect us in the years to come.  Even if we are able to get clean, those past choices not only add to  the difficult task of staying clean, but also affect the kind of future  we can build for ourselves.

      Although my addiction is a dark  part of me that I would rather keep private, it has given me the opportunity  to reach out to those who are suffering and can relate to my story.  I know the despair of addiction and have devoted my life to sharing  a message of hope with families and addicts. For the past eight years, it has become part of my healing process to make restitution by letting others know that there  is life after drugs for the taking.

       My father and I were asked to publish a book, Loss of Innocence,  regarding our story and are awaiting the release of our story told in the documentary film titled Saving Carren.

     Please visit me at www.savingcarren.com.