3 and 1/2 years ago we lost our son to suicide. Dan was a smart fun loving 4th year computer science major. He went missing in February 2006, and two weeks later he was found, lost to suicide. I think of him everyday, missing him, wondering what the interesting things he would be involved in today.

I shared the following at Dan's funeral.. Love you Bud!!

Daniel

I wish I could bring out Dan’s electric guitar and play for you a favorite song or maybe even one he wrote himself. I wish I could finish for you the computer program he was writing when he first disappeared and show you the results, a robot dancing to the music Dan liked. But I can’t because you see Dan was so much more creative and smarter than I could ever be.

But I can share with you a little bit about my “bud”. Memories come to mind, Stories come to mind, messages come to mind.

One of the memories I remember was when he was 2 or 3 years old. We found him sitting on the curb with his grandma and for hours watch the trucks rebuild the street Jackson Blvd, right down from our house. He wouldn’t want to leave until the crew had finished and shut down the engines of the many types of trucks that were there. He seemed to be absorbing every detail and it was as if his mind was trying to figure out even better ways to do the work. I say that because through his life he focused on detail and wanting to understand how things work.

Dan loved the mountains and he loved skiing. Another memory of Dan that jumps in my head was a time I was skiing with Dan when he was 16. It was before the 2002 Olympics and we were skiing Park City together. We had used the system of chair lifts to make our way to the top of the mountain. As we began our skiing back down we came across a starting point for what would be the starting gate for one of the Olympic events. Dan said he really wanted to try the run. But he also knew there was no way his Dad would or could do the run. He had quickly memorized the trails of Park City and suggested a “blue trail” that would empty at a chair lift that we could meet up at. I said ok and told him to be careful as he headed down the Double Black Diamond trail. He said he would be waiting for me at the chair lift, I kidded back no way, I’ll be waiting for you. Dan was off on that difficult run and like any other kid I’m sure as he worked his way down he had placed himself in a Olympic race and was racing down hill to capture the gold medal. I on the other hand slowly traversed down what was a much more difficult blue trail than I had anticipated. Sometimes thinking of Dan and whether he was ok, but mostly trying to stay up on the trail he had sent me on. As I came over a ridge and looked down the mountain, I could see the chairlift. And off to the side I could see Dan. He was waving to make sure I saw him. It felt good to know he had made it down. I’m sure he was laughing as he watched his Dad work his way down the rest of the run. When I finally got to him, he smiled and said “thanks”. And off we were skiing the rest of the day together.

When I first heard Dan was missing a few weeks ago, you can imagine the many emotions that run through you. You look for hope and one sense of hope was that Dan had once again chosen a “Double Black Diamond” trail. And so I began to head down a trail of my own, hoping I would catch up with him at the next chair lift. I did not know the level of pain and anguish as he skied down his trail, but I now know it was great.

On my trail and like a “blue Diamond” not as difficult as the one Dan chose, I began to reflect on the pain Dan was struggling with. I began to pray and ask God to please let me see him when I got to the ridge and looked down my trail at that next lift. As the days went on, it became apparent that Dan had chosen a path that given his state of mind even my creative and smart son could not handle. When I got the word Dan had been found, I had just gotten to the ridge and looked down and I could not find him waving up at me.

The last few weeks have been full of prayer, and I am reminded of a story I first heard many years ago. It is the story of a man searching for food and shelter. He comes across a house and knocks on the door. There is no answer, so he begins to pound on the door, again no answer. He finally relents and moves on thinking nobody is at home. But in the house on the second floor lying in his bed is another man. He heard the knocking and pounding but was too tired to get up and answer the door and just hoped and waited for the person to move on. Many times during the last few weeks I felt myself first knocking and then pounding on the door asking God to bring Dan back to us.

It didn’t happen.

But that story is also told another way. A way that I have learned is the real way. You see the story is really about the man in need being the one upstairs in the house hurting, and the man first knocking and then pounding on the door is God. And the story doesn’t end with the man outside leaving, the man upstairs lets him into the house to help him. My family has been blessed by so many people including all of you here today. Family, friends, roommates, co-workers, classmates, school officials, searchers, many who knew Dan, others who never had met Dan. All have made it into our house to help us. I have seen Dan’s sister, Kristin, stand in front of 40 of Dan’s friends last Sunday and tell a story of her love for Dan. It will be in my memory forever as the day Kris went off skiing on her own and met me later at the next chair lift.

The message Dan leaves us and especially to all young people who someday will feel alone and anyone feeling the anguish of loneliness is that when you are hurting there are so many people pounding on the door that love you and want to help you. Please make sure you let them in.

Dan has given me and my family so much in his short 21 years. I wish he were here today becoming the man who would do so much in this world. When I first got to the ridge I did not see Dan, but because of God’s mercy he has calmed my panic and pointed to the spot near the chair lift where I see Dan. We have a long way down the hill to go, but I feel Dan’s presence all around me pointing me through the tough spots on the mountain. I especially feel Dan’s presence today among you.

God Bless You Dan

Dan’s cousins first came up with the idea of naming a star for Dan. In honor of that they want to play a song that Dan loved.

The song was Yellow by Coldplay