When Matthew was just a few months old, he had this bouncy seat with a bar that had toys hanging from it, different colored fish. It also vibrated and played music. He could sit and stare at those toys for what seemed like hours. I don't know why, but from day 1, I worried more about him than I did his older sister at his age. Something always seemed to be tugging at me. I can remember him crying for long periods of time for no apparent reason. Ceiling fans were fascinating to him. When he was 4 months old, he came down  with a really bad cold. It got to the point one Saturday night, that he could barely breath, so we took him to the emergency room. They said he needed steroids, and gave him IV fluids as he was becoming dehydrated. Because he refused to lay on the bed in the E.R., I sat completely still for 4 hours holding Matthew just right so he didn't bend his arm and slow the fluid. Thankfully, he slept most of this time. We took him home and did our best to keep him comfortable. The coming Monday, we took him to his regular pediatrician, who within minutes of seeing Matthew, realized it wasn't just a cold. He had RSV, a severe cold, that if not taken care of quickly and correctly, can lead to permanent lung damage. He told us to stop the steroids, he didn't need them. He gave us a machine with medicine to give Matthew breathing treatments every 4 hours. My poor baby had to sleep sitting up for almost a week, he couldn't breath if he laid flat. So needless to say, his father and I didn't get much sleep that week either. Matthew was slow to recover, but he did get better. After that, every little bug that went around, Matthew got it. To my amazement, he has to date, only had 1 ear infection in his lifetime. As Matthew got older, he started crawling at about 10 months old, and walking at 11 months old. His immunizations have been kept up to date since his birth, he was never late or missed any of them. He kind of started talking when he was about 14 months. He was very quiet, rarely made any noise. He found people's sneezes to be particularly funny. When he tried to begin mimmicing the sound, it sounded like he was saying "Oh shit". Then suddenly, he stopped. No words, no sounds, no coos, nothing. My husband kept telling me he was just a "late bloomer", there was nothing to be concerned about. But as a mother, I knew different. This caused more than a few arguments between my husband and I. A few months before Matthew turned 2, I finally made an appt with his doctor to discuss my concerns. My husband and I both went to the appt, as did my then 10 yr old daughter. Mind you, at this point, Matthew was having major temper tantrums and smacking his head off any hard surface he could find. The slightest thing would upset him, and he'd bounce his head off the floor. Matthew had a permanent bruise on his forehead for months. I could tell when he was getting upset, so I would try putting pillows under his head before he hit the floor, but he would just push them out of the way. If he was sitting or standing, he would throw himself backwards to the floor. If someone was holding him, he would headbutt them. He was already flapping his hands and almost constantly walking on his toes. I brought all this to the doctor's attention. She suggested I get an MRI of Matthew's head. The subject of autism came up, but the doctor assured me that the MRI would show if he was autistic or not. We made the appt to take Matthew to All Children's Hospital to get the MRI. The doctor told us, they may have to sedate Matthew, as small children usually don't like being strapped into a machine of that size. On the day of his appt, my husband had to work, so I took Matthew to his appt. To my surprise, Matthew didn't need to be sedated, he actually lied perfectly still through the entire procedure. He was mezmerized by the big circle turning around his head. He never cried or tried to get out of the straps that held tightly around him. The nurse even commented on how she had hever seen a child be so calm for an MRI. She told me to call his doctor in a week or so, for his results. Matthew ended up getting sick again a few days later, so rather than just calling the doctor, I made an appt. Matthew had RSV again, not as severe as the last time, but still again. Back to the breathing treatments. Through the appt, the doctor never mentioned the MRI results. I HAD TO ASK! She acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. She went out of the room for a few minutes, then came back with a piece of paper in her hand. His MRI was normal. I was so happy and relieved. Matthew really was just a late bloomer, or so I thought. I began discussing my concerns once again with the doctor. My daughter was there for this appt as well. The doctor looked at my daughter, and asked, "She was the perfect baby wasn't she?" And to be quite honest, she was. Dana was the perfect baby. She rarely cried, hit all her milestones on time, if not early, and still has never thrown an actual "temper tantrum" in her life. This question upset me. Just because my daughter was "normal", I felt my concerns about my son were being dismissed as me just being an overprotective mother. But since the MRI was normal, and the doctor had told me before that if there was something wrong, the MRI would show it, I gave up the battle, and apologized to my husband for putting our son through this medical test that seemed pointless now, as it came back normal.

Matthew was in full time daycare when he turned 2. The director of the school, had concerns about Matthew's development and behavior. He was getting more and more aggressive all the time. She called Early Steps to come and evaluate him. After his eval, they recommended a more in-depth study of Matthew's behavior at home and school. They came to the house to observe and evaluate him. They sent us a report a week or so later. Matthew had Sensory Integration Disorder. I had no idea what that was, I had never heard of it. Matthew was what they called a "craver". He needed constant input to certain areas of his body. We found quickly, that the best way to calm his meltdowns at that point, was to hold him tightly to us and rub his back firmly. They recommended he begin speech and occupational therapy. He was on the waiting list for a few months, but started occupational therapy in August, Speech didn't come until October. He had 5 appts total each week, 3 for speech and 2 for occupational. In November, we started the transition meetings to move him from the Early Steps program, to the school system. They start this process 6 months before the child's 3rd birthday to see if placement in a special needs class is warranted. Over the next 3 months, we would take Matthew to the Assessment center for a multitude of appointments and evaluations. He met with a Nurse to check his hearing and sight. He failed the hearing test, as he couldn't sit still long enough to complete it.  We ended up having to take Matthew to another doctor to check his hearing, this of course happened at just the time he got the one and only ear infection he's ever had. So, he failed this test too. After his ear infection was gone, we had him tested again, and low and behold he passed. He met with child psychologists, speech and occupational therapists, and my husband and I met with the school dept social worker. It seemed we were being evaluated as much as Matthew was. By all their tests and questionaires, Matthew had autism. This didn't make any sense to me. His pediatrician said the MRI was normal which meant he wasn't autistic. Matthew had already had an appt  with a developmental/behavioral specialist at All Children's hospital, who basically told us nothing. So at the last meeting at the Evaluation Center, I expressed my concerns about getting him an actual diagnosis, as they told me that in order to get Matthew all the therapy he was going to need, I needed to get an official diagnosis from a specialist. They made an appt with the school board specialist for Matthew for the end of that month. There was light at the end of the tunnel. Approximately a week before Matthew's scheduled appt, the specialist passed away. As sorry as I was to hear that another human being had died, I was more sorry for Matthew. My beautiful boy was trapped in his own mind, struggling to be heard and understood. And here was one more door slammed shut in his face. I was told to keep Matthew's appts with the specialist at All Children's and try to work with him. Behavioral/Developmental specialists are few and far between, so we were basically told, take what you can get. That was almost a year ago. Matthew still has no diagnosis. The specialist at All Children's is "one of those doctors", that believes that if a child is autistic, they can't possibly make any progress. But, on the bright side, Matthew has made leaps and bounds in his progress. He is still non-verbal, but he is learning to sign and how to communicate the things he wants or needs. His occupational therapist that he sees privately, is also his o/t at school. She is amazing. She has done so much for my son. She has gone above and beyond her job description more times than I can count for him. She will tell you herself that Matthew is her number one priority. He is the first child with autism she has ever dealt with, and she makes it her business to learn more about it and experiment with treatments that may or may not work for him. She's an angel. His aggression is still there, but not nearly as bad as it used to be. He doesn't bang his head anymore. Except when he wants something and I say no, then he hits his head off my stomach. But the bruise on his forehead is gone. I'll take my victories where I can find them. Baby steps.