INDY'S CORNER - February 9, 2010

SCIENTIST: Hello, I'm a Scientist...

PUNDIT: ...and I'm a Pundit.

SCIENTIST: So, Pundit, how did things go with your heart tests?  I've been worried about you.

PUNDIT: Holy Joseph Lieberman, what an ordeal that turned out to be.  They got a huge team of cardiologists and consultants involved, and ran a whole battery of tests.  Then, when it was over, they couldn't even agree with each other.  95% of them agree that my heart function is decreasing, and out of those, 90% think that I caused it myself, and 10% think there's some other factor causing it, like a genetic defect, that I can't do anything about.  One of them thought I might have a mild stroke in the next ten years, and another said I'd probably have a massive coronary within months!  

SCIENTIST: That's frustrating, that they can't all agree.  So what's the final word?

PUNDIT: Their consensus opinion is that I'm putting myself at risk of a heart attack, between my cigars, fatty foods, lack of exercise and constant shouting.  They say if I change my lifestyle, I can probably undo the damage.  What a pain in the neck that's going to be.  Moderation, hard work, expense...

SCIENTIST: Wait, so you're actually going to listen to them?

PUNDIT: It would pretty stupid not to, don't you think?

SCIENTIST: Well, for starters, they haven't proven anything.  Medicine is science, and science requires proof, not conjecture.

PUNDIT: Oh, come on, there are certain situations where conclusive proof just isn't possible - you'd think a scientist like yourself would know that.  That's why there's a consensus panel involved, formulating an opinion.

SCIENTIST: They can't even agree on what the risks are!  They don't have a clue, and they're trying to scare you.

PUNDIT: How could they possibly be certain of the outcome, Scientist?  All they can possibly do is make a reasonable guess at the best and worst case scenarios.  

SCIENTIST: So let them keep running tests and looking for more evidence, until everyone's in agreement.

PUNDIT: Sure, Scientist, and by then they could be spreading my ashes over the Republican Convention.

SCIENTIST: Your heart's fine.  We just went golfing last week and you walloped me.  It's just a normal variation in heart function.  They can't possibly have ruled out everything else that might explain your symptoms.

PUNDIT: They ruled out the other known causes as unlikely.  It's all about probability.

SCIENTIST: Are those your test results, there?  Can I have a look?

PUNDIT: Listen, Scientist, doctors don't let just anybody interpret charts, people who aren't trained in a medical specialty don't understand what they're looking at.

SCIENTIST: (Grabbing chart)  But I'm different, I'm an educated scientist.  Hey, look here!  A doctor crossed part of one of your stress tests... one that shows your heart is strong...

PUNDIT: He said that test result couldn't be trusted, it's completely out of line with everything else they measured.  There was obviously some fluke reason why that test was bad, they don't know why.  He knows what he's talking about - you don't.

SCIENTIST: Sounds like he's fudging data to fit his hypothesis, to me!  And look, another doctor screwed up here... he typed 2.035 when the chart clearly shows 2.530, then the panel used the incorrect number in the summation!

PUNDIT: Okay, so they made an error, I'll completely ignore that part of the patient summary.  That doesn't mean the whole conclusion is wrong... you're talking about a whole slew of evidence, all pointing to the same diagnosis.  Stupid mistake, but it doesn't change anything.

SCIENTIST: It looks to me like they they want you to to have a heart problem so you can keep coming back, and they make more money off your insurance.  They should fire the lead doctor, this is sloppy work.  They're obviously silencing the doctors who don't agree.  It's group-think.  I saw a cardiologist eating a bacon double cheeseburger last week, they're all hypocrites...

PUNDIT: Enough, already!  Look, I know you mean well, and it's good to ask questions.  But I trust the overwhelming majority opinion of the qualified experts studying my case, not just any schmuck with a loud mouth.  Waiting until there's no disagreement at all would be stupid and dangerous.  There's a real threat here, and the longer I put off making some changes, the worse it's going to get.  You can be skeptical all you want, but I'll still go ahead and take precautions.

SCIENTIST: Look, getting in better shape, eating healthier and lowering your stress are good ideas, for a number of reasons - I just don't think they need to falsify a motive for you to do it.

PUNDIT: Well, Scientist, I've known that for years, and I've only kept putting it off.  There's always some reason to wait until tomorrow, it's human nature.  The truth hurts, but I'm glad I found out, because it's serious.  So can we please talk about global warming now?

SCIENTIST: (Smiling)  We just did, Pundit... we just did.  

PUNDIT: (Stands looking puzzled.)

SCIENTIST: While you mull it over, can I buy you a light, healthy lunch?  There's this all-organic place two blocks down.

PUNDIT: Oh, Sweet Jesus, I have to eat with hippies?  Maybe congestive heart failure isn't looking so bad after all...