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    Posted May 10, 2010 by
    mzdaxx
    Location
    Vancouver, British Columbia
    Assignment
    Assignment
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Dealing with postpartum depression

    More from mzdaxx

    I'm Unraveling

     

    My daughter turns 9 this September and I still remember the feelings.

     

    Hopeless.

    Suicidal.

    Guilty because I'd finally had the child (a daughter!) I'd always dreamed of...so why was I so miserable?

     

    The first two weeks of her life we were too busy figuring out breastfeeding to feel anything other than exhausted. After that, the waves of emotions started to hit.

     

    Despair.

    Fear of being alone with my daughter for fear I'd hurt myself - never ever her, but myself? Maybe. Possibly.

     

    On more than one occasion I can remember crying hysterically, unable to stop, my only thought being "I'm unraveling. I'm unraveling." My mom would take the baby at those times and comfort her until it was time to nurse and then she'd help me get my girl latched on and nursing. The skin to skin contact and the oxytocin released by the breastfeeding would gradually help calm me down.

     

    By the time she was 6 months old, spring was on the way and the post partum gradually faded away. As someone who was diagnosed with depression at the age of 18, I knew the difference between PPD and my regular form of depression.

     

    I wish I had seen a mental health counsellor then. I suffered in silence, mostly. I don't remember anyone - even my parents, let alone my then-husband - suggesting that.

     

    I wish someone would have.

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