Dear Baboon: After having had the opportunity to read a few of your replies I am beginning to get to the opinion you don't care for pets. You should know that they serve a valuable function throughout their lives providing companionship and reasons-to-be for many of us. Perturbed in Paducah

Dear Perturbed: Thank you for pointing out that glaring misperception. I agree with you, pets indeed serve an invaluable role for many individuals. What better way to pay tribute to another member of the family, your pet, than upon their sorrowful demise you fire up the grill and break out your favorite BBQ sauce. Nothing says love like hickory smoked Labrador or Kitty-fritters.

Dear Baboon: I'm 16 and think I'm Gay. Well at least I seem to admire guys more than girls right now. I want to tell my parents, and think my Dad will be OK with it, but I know my Mom is going to go ballistic. My parents have always encouraged us to be honest, and that we could come to them with anything. I only recently decided to do this because my younger brother caught me kissing my best friend one night on a sleep over in a tent in the back yard. He's been threatening to tell my parents but I think it should come from me first. What's your advice on how to do this and not cause World War III? Uncertain in Utica

Dear Uncertain: Don't you just love little brothers. The fact that he hasn't run straight to the parental units and told them should be a clue as to his respect for you, his older brother. He most likely finds it very confusing himself. I'd suggest talking to him first, mano a mano, about what he saw and what you're feeling. I applaud your desire to be honest. Before you do anything step back and evaluate your own motives for wanting to bring this to the family forefront. You are at a critical point where this could be infatuation, hormones, curiosity or indeed genuine. No matter what it is you are in no position, at 16, to act on it. Unless of course you are able to independently support yourself. I suggest consulting a local youth advocacy group first and gain some invaluable histories on others who have made this bold move. This might prevent you from delivering the message the wrong way, if indeed you are so compelled to do so. Lastly, I get a lot of off-the-wall questions from supposed adults about stuff that really has little, if any, real importance. Your question restores a bit of my faith in you homo sapiens, particularly coming from such a young beta male.

Dear Baboon: We are about to have our 3rd child and we were wondering if you would be interested in being the godfather? We think it would be really cool and we know how well you like to take care of your troop. Prenatal in Peoria 

Dear Prenatal: While I find your offer flattering, and will no doubt regret missing the little tykes soiled diapers, as they are tasty, I must respectfully decline and ask, have you lost your damn mind? Getting holy water anywhere near me would cause spontaneous combustion. Stick to your own species and remember no drugs while pregnant. That went out in 60's.