By Denise Harrison

When a child or adult goes missing, most of us see the headlines and read about the disappearance. We see live action video on TV showing a ground search, or two, or three, with officers in uniform and volunteers fanning out to poke long sticks into rocks and terrain. Sometimes newspaper photographers capture an image of dogs following scents as they lead handlers to places yet unknown. Family members may seek microphones and cameras to plea for safe returns.

When the searches stop and the TV cameras have departed, there is a family left in the wake of the disappearance. Not unlike the aftermath of a hurricane, media move on after showing the immediate crisis while those left behind are just beginning a life altered suddenly and inexorably, where one day was normal and the next will never be normal again.

Family members with missing young or adult children,  siblings whose disappearances are not their nature, and parents who've inexplicably vanished, are forced to live in this new normal for days, weeks, months, sometimes years. They live it in fear, or determination, in heartbreak, numbness, or longing, and often, all of the above. They often learn way more about the law as they pertain to missing persons than they ever cared to know. What they often do not do is learn to take care of themselves.

An upcoming weekend gathering, The Project Jason 2010 Keys to Healing Retreat, is designed to give families of the missing the tools they need to take care of themselves emotionally and physically as they continue their searches. Classes offered during the retreat will cover all aspects of living in the "not knowing," with a focus on mental, spiritual, and physical healing.

“Until now, there were no opportunities for family members of both missing children and adults to focus on the emotional and physical trauma that understandably accompanies such an ordeal,” says Kelly Jolkowski, president and founder of Project Jason and host of the event. After Jolkowski’s son, Jason, disappeared in 2001 at age 19, she started the organization to assist other families of the missing, and has since served hundreds with case assessment and tactical and emotional support. She knew such a retreat would be life changing for many of the attendees.

“We want the families who attend Keys to Healing to walk away with better coping skills, self-understanding and renewed hope,” she says.

One component of the Friday-Sunday retreat is learning the effects of long term trauma on the body and the brain. Understanding trauma, and classes about guilt, fear, and anger—and how these feelings are normal in their new normal-- are taught by renowned therapist Duane Bowers LPC, one of the few therapists in the world specializing in the unique loss families face when they have missing loved ones.          http://www.duanetbowers.com/

“I want people to understand what trauma does to the body and what it does to the brain, physically, and how the neuro-networks are set up,” says Bowers, “because they can control that; they can change that, which will then make them healthier.”

“He understands the missing component,” said one of last year’s attendees, a woman whose husband was missing. “You can’t find that anywhere, I’ve researched, and you can’t find a counselor that knows what the families of the missing go through.”

Other sessions focus on tactical and emotional resources available year-round, personal care tips, and eating healthy to sustain high, positive energy.

A significant aspect of the retreat is the opportunity to spend three days with others who, like them, have someone missing. In many cases, this is the first time they’ve been able to speak face-to-face with others who truly understand what they are going through.

Having someone missing can be a socially awkward situation. Some friends and family say nothing, and some even avoid those with missing loved ones. Some say the wrong thing, and some eventually can’t handle seeing someone in what they assume is a stuck position in their life following the disappearance. http://projectjason.org/forums/index.php?topic=8971.0. Those with missing loved ones do not open up to people they’ve just met because they fear what their reactions may be. So, having a missing loved one is sometimes a silent anguish. At the retreat, however, attendees openly share their stories with each other in a safe environment.

“In the five years since my daughter went missing, this is the first time I’ve had anyone to talk to,” says a woman with a missing adult daughter and one of last year’s attendees.

At the end of the 2009 Keys to Healing Retreat, nearly all attendees walked away with notable progress toward healing, some remarking that it’s good to laugh again, some relieved of pent-up tension, and all feeling a strong bond with each other. As Jolkowski says, “It is possible to live a life full of joy while continuing our searches.”

“Life is short and it’s full of sadness, so every little bit of happiness you can gain from life you should take it,” says another attendee from last year who has a missing young adult son, “because you know, they don’t want us living a life of sadness.”

The 2010 Keys to Healing Retreat will be at a scenic, private retreat center in Omaha, Nebraska, August 13-15, 2010. Project Jason subsidizes a portion of the cost of the weekend, so it is offered at a discount, and anyone with an open police case for their missing loved one is eligible to attend.

A video summarizing last year’s retreat may be viewed at http://video.yahoo.com/watch/5609428/14723375#thumb=

More information, and registration instructions, are available at http://projectjason.org/forums/index.php?topic=6504.0