Dear Baboon: Recently the parents of my son's best friend called me one evening to discuss some troubling behavior they've been seeing in their son and to see if I was observing similar in mine. The call caught me off guard, and I hadn't noticed any abnormality for his 15½ years. He gets good grades, remains polite and respectful toward us, his parents, and generally gets home by curfew or calls to say if he's running late. With the seed planted in my mind however I started to scrutinize a bit closer. I did a little housekeeping in his room one day, taking liberty with his computer and dresser drawers. I was shocked Baboon. I have never seen so much porn in my life. All types, all varieties, all genders. I'm not sure how to approach him or his father about this, or if I even should. Baboon, how would you proceed? Disgusted in Denver

Dear Disgusted: The only thing disgusting here is the invasion of your son's privacy. Who do you think you are, the federal government? You didn't find drugs or alcohol, or a firearm. Nope, not even a dead body in the closet. What you found were the same things parents have been finding under the mattresses of their boys' for a long time now. Their hormones are in full gear at his age. His curiosity level is off the charts. He's keeping life real, his grades are good and he isn't causing you trouble. Just have your husband talk with him about the importance of being an appropriate gentleman. Beyond that, back off, let the kid have the bathroom/shower time he needs at this age, and try to mind your own damn business.

Dear Baboon: I recently accepted a position in a high-rise office tower here in San Francisco. Its been a 2 weeks now and I cannot get over the anxious feeling I get every time I take the elevator to the 57th floor. Some mornings I sit in the lobby for 15 minutes trying to garner the courage to get on the elevator. I've even called off work once already from the lobby as I just couldn't do it. I turn down lunch with colleagues and everything so as not to be put in the awkward position of going back up. I'm not sure what to do Baboon. This is a chance in a lifetime job. What am I going to do? Frightened in Frisco

Dear Frightened: Man it sucks to be you. Get some counseling, or medication, quick dude. I really suspect it is not the elevator ride that's doing you in at all, but the new position. You made no mention of the decent or your performance once on the work floor. Fear of failure manifests itself in some very unusual ways, and drives you uprights to do some really stupid things. What is certain is that if you don't take some corrective action your psyche will eventually begin to evolve a defensive strategy, a neurosis, that will really be difficult to correct.

Dear Baboon: My husband and I are about to deliver the news to our 17 year old that upon his 18th birthday he'll be expected to leave the nest. Do you have any suggestions? He's the oldest of the 3 kids and we thought this would be the perfect time to imprint the future on the other 2. Parents in Pensacola

Dear Parents: Yes, I have a suggestion or two, don't have any more kids. It ceases to amaze me how you homo sapiens think you are doing your offspring such a big favor by kicking them out. Let's get this right once and for all, and I know hundreds of letters are coming based on my response. To my knowledge, and please correct me with your awesome human intellect if need be, but not one child that I have ever met "asked" to be conceived and brought into this world. Not one! You parents, in your infinite wisdom, decided to procreate and bring them into this world. Now that you have, you have also decided, in the child's best interest, you'll commit to their well being for just eighteen years. I can tell by your correspondence that children are little more than chattel to you and your husband. Trophy's of your good parenting skills and a reason to put that honor roll sticker on your mini van. You milked the tax deduction and benefits for 18 years and now they are worthless. You justify this behavior because past generations used their offspring to maintain large agrarian lifestyles or family businesses, and you're "freeing" yours. Rubbish. You disgust me and your behavior does too. You brought them into this world and until the day they, or you, die they are your children. Live up to your lifelong responsibility and do the right thing. When they're ready to stand and go on their own, some sooner than others, they will. Until then be loving, and encouraging, and supportive and get over your selfishness. By-the-way, the only message you're sending to the other younger siblings is a big dose of insecurity about you and your husband. Humans, bigger brains equals more intelligent my red ass.