Dear Baboon: Can you please settle a dispute between my roommate and me. He insists the Russians were first in outer space with a dog. I think it was a monkey. I figured you'd be the logical expert on the matter. Disagreeing in Detroit

Dear Disagreeable: You're both right, and wrong, and idiots. That's what I expect from you uprights. For the record, as early as 1948 the U.S. was launching both monkeys, and mice, into Earth's orbit and near orbit. Unfortunately the monkeys typically died on the return trip due to the impact. The Soviets had the most noteworthy launch with the dog "Muttnik" aboard Sputnik II in 1957. Of course the dog burned up along with the satellite upon re-entry into the atmosphere. Personally it would have been more interesting to watch them launch a few of you homo sapiens in those experimental years.

Dear Baboon:  I'm 15 and I cut myself. I really don't want to do it, but I've said that a hundred times already. My parents caught me once when I was 13 and had me put in a crazy house. It was during the summer so no one I go to school with found out. I feel like a freak Baboon. I do ok in school but it is so boring. I just can't get into it. My parents don't let me do anything anymore. They moved the computer to the family room and took my cell phone away. I have to leave my bedroom door open at all times. I can't even go to a movie. I don't know what to do Baboon. Help! Cursed in Catalina

Dear Catalina (not Cursed): OK here's the deal, I will give you my entire banana stash and all that I will have for a year if you promise to never cut yourself again. You're not a freak, you're just 15. I also suspect there is a side of you that has yet to be fully explored, and I'm betting it is an artistic side. As for your parents, no doubt they mean well, and are probably scared to death inside. Remember, they didn't get an owners manual when you came along. Keep that in mind. I have to admit this is all really well beyond my expertise, but I do know enough to realize this is not an attention thing, as is often mistakenly assigned to this behavior. I'll write you privately and provide you some professional resources from colleagues of mine that are in your area. Engage your parents in dialogue about your feelings. Remember, in exchange for all of my bananas, and an honorary beta male membership in my troop, you'll agree to stop cutting immediately. After all, you might be the next Picasso, Dali, or Warhol. We'd all hate to miss that. I certainly would.

Dear Baboon: My husband shot the cat the other day. He said he mistook it for a raccoon running through the kitchen after it came through the pet door. I'm terribly upset over the matter and the loss of our pet. I'm even more concerned about his use of the firearm in the house. We live a good distance out in the country and frankly it is necessary to have something like a firearm around. We've had experiences with rabid foxes and other critters before. My husband just turned 90, and I know his eyesight isn't as sharp as it used to be. What am I to do Baboon? I don't want to lose another pet. Beside myself in Bluefield 

Dear Beside: How bad could his eyesight be? He managed to actually shoot the cat. Better think it over again. I'm betting it wasn't a lucky shot, just an unlucky cat.

Just a quick note - The Baboon will be winding down summer over the Labour Day weekend snorkeling in the Keys with my youngest beta male. I'll resume weekly contributions thereafter. Thanks to those who submit mail for consideration - and keep it coming.