- Posted September 5, 2012 by
Colorado Springs, Colorado
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Surviving sexual assault: Your testimonies
I am a female law enforcement officer but I am also a survivor of rape at the hands of my ex-husband, who is now in prison. I could not fight him when he kidnapped me at gun point that dreadful night of June 26th, 2006 in front of my own home. He had been stalking me and knew my every move. I had a sprained ankle at the time which he knew about but even if I was not injured, could I really fight him? I'm 5"4, 115lbs and he was 6" 190 lbs with a gun. He sexually assaulted me that night and I was helpless. All of the law enforcement training I had received I could not even use that night and for this, I know some judged me. I was able to fight him off mentally and got away that night but the humiliation, the shame and facing the world after that horrific night was one of the most trying times of my life. During the court trial, the topic of my being a cop came up many times by the defense. Why did she not defend herself? Why did she allow this to happen to her? How could she not know he was dangerous? Well, unless you were in my shoes, you wouldn't know.
Akin's argument on rape minimizes what my exhusband did to me and gives these rapists the advantage. No I could not physically fight, but he raped me and that is that! I did not ask for him to kidnapp me at gunpoint and force himself on me. I blamed myself for so long but I no longer place blame on myself or anyone but the man who did this to me. I needed to stand up to this issue that plagues our world. I needed to be a role model for my two young beautiful daughters and show them to fight for what's right.
I now speak at many local organizations about domestic violence and sexual assault to help spread the word on these issues. I also had the honor to speak nationally about this on the Oprah show and I was so glad I did. I received many messages after the show on women facing the same issues saying I had given them strength and hope. Of course, along with the many positive messages, there were some ignorant ones as well. "When you marry your husband, he shouldn't have to ask you for sex." one stated. Another stated, "I have no respect for this officer. She should have known better." I do admit it bothered me but quickly thought, if it helps one, two or several women for me to tell my story, then who cares what some ignorant people say. It is all worth it.
Since then, I have launched a self-defense and awareness program for women, NEVER a Victim. I share my story and teach women, awareness, prevention, and effective self-defense techniques. I am currently working on writing a book which will hopefully be released within a year to a year and a half on my whole experience with my ex-husband. I hope to reach as many women as I can with this book. God has given me the strength to get through this all and has now placed this mission in my heart.
For all of you who have had to endure any sexual assault or domestic violence, please believe me when I say, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! You are worthy of being believed, you are worthy of being loved and worthy of not being judged! There IS life beyond the night your were victimized. After what I went through, I healed through my church, my support system, counseling and learning how to love myself again. I now have a wonderful husband who respects me, loves me and treats me like a queen. I have three beautiful children who are the lights of my eyes. We can truly live a happy life after trauma, I promise. Best of wishes to all suffering from this and many blessings to you all.