...from 1st mpart ...

...After half an hour of necessary formalities, we put the body of my “smashed heart” in the van and headed towards the morgue house of Tribhuvan University Teaching Hospital for the postmortem which was closed already at that late night. I and my cousin Arjun, put the body in the stretcher and carried to the morgue house. My hand cuddled his cheeks and a word came out of my mouth “Bye Forever, Kumar. This time our company couldn't last long. But please, come again as my son in next life, a lot of desires still remain to be fulfilled." As we walked out of the morgue house, a lot of motorcycles and vehicles stopped in front of us and those who stepped out were my relatives. They surrounded me and asked if it was true. I decided to unveil the truth and revealed them"Kumar is no more with us. Please control yourself and help me, in my attempt, to control my family, please accompany me and help me if my patience is broken, please help out. Please accompany me to home now. They will provide us the body tomorrow morning after the postmortem. We have to gather tomorrow for the cremation at 9 am. Please help us in this unexpected and shocking tragedy with your patience”. Finally we all headed towards our home in Tilganga.
Till then my spirit had gone immeasurably ruthless. I had no other alternatives nor any methods.

I wish I could scream with all my forces, I could cry, I could become insane, I could commit suicide, I could go under the wheels of vehicles but I could do nothing. I was compelled. I was obliged. I was tied around with responsibilities. I was like a nucleus to other 6 members of the family who were revolving around me being dependent on me. The person who lived with zest and pride till yesterday was like an ‘everything’ losing gambler. For me, to face the family was as difficult as like a thief or a murderer facing a jury. I had no means to avoid developing situation. We reached home with a confused state of mind. In Kumar's room, already, lots of relatives were accompanying my family with their eyes wet, but the family was less worried being totally uninformed. I felt encouraged to convince the family but then I felt like the world around me slumped and the death grasped me when my wife Laxmi asked me, "Is Kumar injured seriously? Why he is not coming”' I called her in the room as she came instantly, then I cuddled her, attached her in my chest and told her that Kumar will never come back, he has left us forever, I have come here after taking his body to the morgue house for postmortem. Laxmi crumbled down to ground, I took her to bed but in a short while she controlled herself and asked, "What has happened, how he met the accident, How to inform Balram about the accident?” At this courageous act of Laxmi, a mother, I was encouraged to tackle all the problems. But her motherly heart made her crying and mourning to lose a son such shockingly. In a while, I gathered all the family members in my bed and kept them together with me as the hen keeps her chicks under her protection. Other relatives and neighbors had surrounded us. My father lost his consciousness numerous times until next morning, losing his eldest grandson who was like a friend to him. Kumar used to joke with him, kiss him and hug him as a friend. Losing his adorable grandson, he had become like and orphan. With his responsibilities, Kumar had been acting like a guardian of the family, taking care of all the family since 7-8 years. I remain grateful to my family as I was amazed to see them tolerate that unbearable loss, who controlled themselves at the moment of that unexpected catastrophe when the family was plunged in the ocean of grief and despair. I got a chance to know my family more closely at that moment of bereavement. Each one of them was controlling himself or herself to wipe the tears of other. When that precious jewel was split away from them, they were still calm.
The next morning we went to the hospital. There were crowd of people including the foreign people to bid Kumar their final adieu and follow him up to the cremation site. Every eyes were wet, some of them crying discreetly, some of them openly. As my nearest relative, I was accompanied by the son of my uncle, but no one from my family. I was alone. I had requested no one to come as who else could attend such heartbreaking situation. Sadly, I was forced to witness the moment quietly without any choice and without any alternative being totally helpless.

Later, my brother took me to the cremation site in his van. When I reached the site, Kumar's body was already placed in the funeral pyre. On both sided of the river, I could see the huge crowd of people crying, Swoti and little Krishna had come but other members of the family didn’t attend as they couldn’t see the dead body of the son. I had requested them not to go there. Finally, people asked me to offer sacred water to the body of my most adorable darling covered with white tissue cloth and the sacred “Ramnami” tissue. I also followed the orders and quietly offered the water from his tip to toe and cuddled his blood mixed hair before saying "Bye! My young, Bye! Rest in Peace! I broke into tears, I felt like inside a burning fire, The world around me seemed stopped, It was like dying thousands of times, I was confused whether I was dead or alive, I was unable to distinguish a day or a night. Suddenly, I broke down to the ground being unable to stand. Somebody helped me stand up and I heard the noise of people saying to take me home. I realized my daughter Swoti and little Krishna accompanying me. My brother in law asked me to go home. I took my children’s hands and started mounting up the stairs to the bridge. As we reached the bridge and stopped to see the burning body of Kumar, my sentiments exited through my mouth spontaneously.

"A precious jewel, gifted by my beloved, broke down into pieces"
"The wind blew it away; the fire burned it into ashes,
Even the ashes were swept away by the water"

(Those lines in complete form have come out in the market as a song compiled in the musical album "Laxmi").

After the thirteen days of ritual, a tempting photo of Kumar, smiling and lying in the bed with his hand posed on his cheek, was hanging on the wall. I felt that he is no more as my son but will always remain in the wall like God. I offered a marigold garland on his photo and I began humming spontaneously:

"In your lifeless image, only I could offer you two drops of tears today
You went suddenly without even asking me a leave, now how could I leave alone in this desolate world."
(These lines also can be heard as a song in the same album Laxmi. It is also available online.)

The days passed by. Everybody needs to eat and wear to be alive, we also needed. The infinite tears and the unbearable pain did not work for the stomach as we had to do something. So I and my family tried to come back in normal life and be engaged in our works. My parents are elderly aged. Laxmi continued to stay in the shop to continue the business for livelihood. Daughter Swoti continue her service as a staff nurse in Norvic Hospital. Little Krishna engaged himself in the preparation of his school leaving certificate exam. I became engaged in my former business. In this context, I would like to mention our former plans. My son Kumar and I have always seen Nepal as a prosperous country, the people of this country do not deserve to be poor but our mentality has ruined us. We were in a conclusion that if we are able to bring a revolution in one small village, it will send a positive message to other parts and work for the overall development. As Nepal is a country blessed with adequate natural beauties, every place has a potential for the development of tourism. Since we were already into the field with good knowhow and circle of friends, Kumar and I thought of starting a new concept. ... to be continue....