- Posted September 26, 2012 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Are you living with depression?
I'm not sure why. I loved my job, I was at the top of my class, I had already met the love of my life. Sometimes the darkness would not leave me alone for days at a time. I would just wake up in the morning feeling "sick." Nothing really hurt, no symptoms. Just the darkness settling into my body. Like a very stubble ache all over. On rare occasions, if I didn’t have class or work in the morning, I couldn’t even make myself get up.
It made it hard to eat. People would ask me how I was so skinny, or what my workout routine was. Except I didn't exercise. I was still somewhat toned from riding horses for years, not frail. But the darkness kept my appetite to a minimum. It made me feel like I was frail, even though I wasn't physically. Often times I would look down and notice that my hands were trembling. I had a bad habit of picking at my skin whenever I felt stressed. The thing that annoyed me the most was when I would start crying for no reaon. At times, I would get so anxious that I would feel like I was going to throw up. I knew I wasn't going to, although that did not make it go away. It's a rather odd feeling to try to describe. It would come and go.
There were also times when I couldn't sleep at night. That's when my mind would go places where I didn't want to. Feeling inadequate was always in the back of my thoughts. I grew up so privileged, so lucky. I had never experienced any sort of struggle before. Until the depression taught me. Once I got a glimpse of what it felt like, it changed me forever. It made it clear that I didn't deserve anything that I had. Why was everything handed to me, while others got nothing? Maybe if I had nothing the darkness would never of had a reason to continuously to haunt me.
I'm not even sure exactly when it began. It still hasn't ended. I know it's getting better though. I suggest that others never hesitate to seek out professional help. Additionally, keep an open mind and do not be discouraged when a treatment fails. You’re just that much closer to finding one that will work.
It's always comforting to know that you're never alone.