- Posted September 26, 2012 by
howell, New Jersey
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Are you living with depression?
jobless and depressed
I find that I want to sleep most of the day. I am also unable to support my family of 4. In living with dreprssion, I find that it robs me of my faith, and all hope. I am left with few good things in life and nothing to look fowards to.
In ten months I have been unable to find a job, it's not for lack of trying. I find my self wanting to cry everyday. Even though my ten year old son tries to cheer me up, it only helps a little.
I have contemplated sucide, but so far my family and my Christian faith has prevented that. However, I find my very faith in god coming under attack from this tidal wave of despair and hopelessness.What happens to my two childern if I can't controll it? At the present I am not sure if I can. I do see a pycologist, which does help. Not even the Nortiptoline I take is making a dent, although with no insurance I have few options.
Today I am living one day at a time. I long for hope but find none. So I just go through the motions,and hope for death to claim me. Thankfully what's left of my faith keeps me from killing myself.
Hopefully, my writng this can help. I would love get up and get a job and I want to work. However days like today feel like an elephant is sitting on me. Worse yet is the coming winter, and it's early sunsets. Even in the good years I had a hard time dealing with 4:30 sunsets. Furthermore the cold feels so confining.
The worst part of this is when I go shopping. All over I see things that I can't afford. This is very frusterating. Each time I go shopping I come away more depressed. Now with the holdays approaching this is sure to get worse. Complicating the matter is the fact that I live in New Jersey, one of the more expensive states. I would love to leave but that means abandoning those three months that need in the pension system.
Now after being a productive member of society, I am reduced to handouts and helping to drain society. what a great decision the Monmouth County Freeholds made last year. (Sarcastically speaking)