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Are you living with depression?
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- Posted September 28, 2012 by
- MonsterInMe Follow
Location
Kentucky
Kentucky
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The Silent Scream
For anyone who has not suffered from depression, you don't know what's going on in the mind of someone who is suffering. It is so easy to smile and look "normal" on the outside, yet be under attack by a consuming monster inside. I currently suffer from severe depression and know how it feels.
I have no connection to people around me. People I used to chat with at work or church are now the same people I avoid. If I have to be around others, I grumble to myself and feel very uneasy.
I have tried talking about my condition with my wife, but she has no idea what I am feeling. Through many tears, I have shared with her the thoughts and emotions I feel. The feelings of loneliness, insignificance and unworthiness are hard to describe with words. They are feelings that weigh heavily on my shoulders, but are almost weightless to someone who doesn't feel them. Numbness is another scar left on me by a devouring monster. Because I have no attachment to anyone, things that would normally make someone upset have no effect on me. My pet dog of 13 years was run over recently. This was a dog born in my house and at one time slept on my bed. I picked up the dead dog from the road, dug a hole, buried it and never cried. This is not normal behavior for me. I know something is wrong. I didn't ask for it to happen to me and I can't snap my fingers and make it go away. There is a monster inside of me that has stripped me of emotions. It feeds on negative thoughts. If I have a day with several postive things in it, it can only be attributed to a sleeping monster, because once it awakens it drags me back to a pit where I exist in solitude. This is a place where you are not able to defend yourself. It's a place where you scream for help, but the monster takes away the sound and no one hears.
I have no connection to people around me. People I used to chat with at work or church are now the same people I avoid. If I have to be around others, I grumble to myself and feel very uneasy.
I have tried talking about my condition with my wife, but she has no idea what I am feeling. Through many tears, I have shared with her the thoughts and emotions I feel. The feelings of loneliness, insignificance and unworthiness are hard to describe with words. They are feelings that weigh heavily on my shoulders, but are almost weightless to someone who doesn't feel them. Numbness is another scar left on me by a devouring monster. Because I have no attachment to anyone, things that would normally make someone upset have no effect on me. My pet dog of 13 years was run over recently. This was a dog born in my house and at one time slept on my bed. I picked up the dead dog from the road, dug a hole, buried it and never cried. This is not normal behavior for me. I know something is wrong. I didn't ask for it to happen to me and I can't snap my fingers and make it go away. There is a monster inside of me that has stripped me of emotions. It feeds on negative thoughts. If I have a day with several postive things in it, it can only be attributed to a sleeping monster, because once it awakens it drags me back to a pit where I exist in solitude. This is a place where you are not able to defend yourself. It's a place where you scream for help, but the monster takes away the sound and no one hears.
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