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Are you living with depression?
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Depression not conquered
I believe my depression developed during the years between 1997 to 2008 hasented by several significant life events including major unwanted job changes, having a sister die, diabetes diagnosis, and a major surgery. Initially I wrongfully thought I could receive support by sharing my diagnosis with my work supervisors and the company human resource group by providing literature explaining how the workplace can help depressed employees. This disclosure made the situation worse. The diabetes and surgery left me impotent and along with other events I do not feel "like a man" and worry my wife feels the same.
I had the classic symptoms of depressing. During these years because of work related needs my wife and I were seeing each other only on weekends so she had no idea I was missing work during the week and I was able to disguise my depression on weekends. I did want to get help and called many therapists and mental health agencies before finally finding a therapist. It was extremely difficult to find help and I now know why many do not receive the help they need. My first therapist saw me once a month, asked me how I was doing, and then renewed my prescription medicine. This was not helping so I found a psychologist who actual spent time talking with me although she could not prescribe medication, however, she was the one to persuade me to attend group therapy. I willing to try even though I did not believe group therapy would have any impact on my depression but it did getting me to the place where I could see improvement. I was then was able to move to a private psychiatrist who could provide counseling sessions and prescriptions as necessary.
During my therapy I have changed medication several time either because they did not work or due to side effects. I have now been on the same medication for two years and at least I am no longer diagnosed with clinical depression but still have times where I just do not care and rebel by not trying to control my diabetes and at times stop my depression medication...stopping your medication without help from your therapist is NOT a good idea. We will all die sometime so on some days I do not care about much.
My wife believes I should "just stop the behavior", move on. Logically I agree but psychologically this is not possible and I find it very difficult to explain it to someone who has not been depressed. I feel guilting that I cannot "just get over it". I still feel isolated but do not want to interact with others for they might judge me as being weak and not worthy, yet still I remain able to provide an outside personna of nothing being wrong. It feels like a lie but what can I do so that I will not be judged. I do not trust people finding myself very judgmental when once I was an optimistic person.
I am doing better but realize this is a long term disease which I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I still wonder if I can be happy but so far this is not the case, however, at least I am no long in clinical depression where I was not able to interact with any one. I would like to be optimistic but am not.
Therapy can provide relief and I hope it will be helpful for others.
I had the classic symptoms of depressing. During these years because of work related needs my wife and I were seeing each other only on weekends so she had no idea I was missing work during the week and I was able to disguise my depression on weekends. I did want to get help and called many therapists and mental health agencies before finally finding a therapist. It was extremely difficult to find help and I now know why many do not receive the help they need. My first therapist saw me once a month, asked me how I was doing, and then renewed my prescription medicine. This was not helping so I found a psychologist who actual spent time talking with me although she could not prescribe medication, however, she was the one to persuade me to attend group therapy. I willing to try even though I did not believe group therapy would have any impact on my depression but it did getting me to the place where I could see improvement. I was then was able to move to a private psychiatrist who could provide counseling sessions and prescriptions as necessary.
During my therapy I have changed medication several time either because they did not work or due to side effects. I have now been on the same medication for two years and at least I am no longer diagnosed with clinical depression but still have times where I just do not care and rebel by not trying to control my diabetes and at times stop my depression medication...stopping your medication without help from your therapist is NOT a good idea. We will all die sometime so on some days I do not care about much.
My wife believes I should "just stop the behavior", move on. Logically I agree but psychologically this is not possible and I find it very difficult to explain it to someone who has not been depressed. I feel guilting that I cannot "just get over it". I still feel isolated but do not want to interact with others for they might judge me as being weak and not worthy, yet still I remain able to provide an outside personna of nothing being wrong. It feels like a lie but what can I do so that I will not be judged. I do not trust people finding myself very judgmental when once I was an optimistic person.
I am doing better but realize this is a long term disease which I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I still wonder if I can be happy but so far this is not the case, however, at least I am no long in clinical depression where I was not able to interact with any one. I would like to be optimistic but am not.
Therapy can provide relief and I hope it will be helpful for others.
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