- Posted October 1, 2012 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Are you living with depression?
Depression not conquered
I had the classic symptoms of depressing. During these years because of work related needs my wife and I were seeing each other only on weekends so she had no idea I was missing work during the week and I was able to disguise my depression on weekends. I did want to get help and called many therapists and mental health agencies before finally finding a therapist. It was extremely difficult to find help and I now know why many do not receive the help they need. My first therapist saw me once a month, asked me how I was doing, and then renewed my prescription medicine. This was not helping so I found a psychologist who actual spent time talking with me although she could not prescribe medication, however, she was the one to persuade me to attend group therapy. I willing to try even though I did not believe group therapy would have any impact on my depression but it did getting me to the place where I could see improvement. I was then was able to move to a private psychiatrist who could provide counseling sessions and prescriptions as necessary.
During my therapy I have changed medication several time either because they did not work or due to side effects. I have now been on the same medication for two years and at least I am no longer diagnosed with clinical depression but still have times where I just do not care and rebel by not trying to control my diabetes and at times stop my depression medication...stopping your medication without help from your therapist is NOT a good idea. We will all die sometime so on some days I do not care about much.
My wife believes I should "just stop the behavior", move on. Logically I agree but psychologically this is not possible and I find it very difficult to explain it to someone who has not been depressed. I feel guilting that I cannot "just get over it". I still feel isolated but do not want to interact with others for they might judge me as being weak and not worthy, yet still I remain able to provide an outside personna of nothing being wrong. It feels like a lie but what can I do so that I will not be judged. I do not trust people finding myself very judgmental when once I was an optimistic person.
I am doing better but realize this is a long term disease which I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I still wonder if I can be happy but so far this is not the case, however, at least I am no long in clinical depression where I was not able to interact with any one. I would like to be optimistic but am not.
Therapy can provide relief and I hope it will be helpful for others.