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    Posted December 27, 2012 by
    tyler, Texas
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    VW camper van memories



    I was asked to drag home a camper bus for a friend. He says "It's down near Tyler." No problem. Ended up being an hour past Tyler, which is 200 miles away from me, but by the time I figured that out, it was too late. So we head out there, spare tires in tow, and when we arrive, we find the dirtiest bus I have ever seen. Seriously. Its been out in the trees since 1980. I believe the critters rightfully own it, but who am I to say.


    So its sitting on on 3.5 flats, and I'm damn glad we brought spares. Ever tried to change the wheel on a car that hasn't moved in 30+ years? HA! Finally we get them changed, and have a good look at the bus. No crap, I damn near went back home. Oddly, the cargo floor isn't rusted, and the rockers arent, but the drivers floor and front rocker are shot to hell. So I open the slider.

    I literally damn near died. It smelled like a dead rhino crapped a dead monkey's ass. As I said, the critters own this bus, and here is proof.


    Still has the fridge and sink he says. Did he mention that the fridge was mostly a rat's nest? I think not. So, thinking the worst is over, I open the passenger door.


    All that black? Rat poop. Seriously. I gagged. This whole filthy monster was covered in green moss, and full of rat turds. So even after a long conference, my friend still decides to take it, cause its cheap, its a 71, and he wants a camper project. So we load it.


    Truthfully, the people were the nicest people I have ever met. They gave us tons of water, fresh fruit and vegtables from their garden, and offered us lunch. Declining, we head home. My friend is in charge of throwing all four flats in the back and shutting the hatch. This is important for later.


    Heading back through Tyler, we hear a loud metallic clank, honks, and screeching tires. Thinking nothing of it, we push on. Stopping at car wash 1 of 3, I check the load. The rear hatch has come open, and we lost one wheel. Guess that explains the noise. After advising the dummy what he did, and discovering that the car wash I manuevered us into is broke, we push on. We stop again in Greenville, at a new car wash. I stuff the bus in the wash bay, and stuff seven dollars worth of quarters in the machine. No kidding, this bus freaking stinks.  I set the nozzle to soap and I start blasting off all the mold. At this point, he gets the bright idea to wash out all the turds while I scrub with the brush. Long story short? He opens the doors, and starts washing all the turds out. Onto me.


    Discussion turns to violence, and Kirk takes a shower in the car wash bay to remove the turds. Seven dollars later, the wash bay is screwed, I'm wet, and the bus still stinks. Probably worse, honestly. Telling him to check the straps, I go across the street to the dollar store for a towel. This is important for later.


    I get back, and we start off. Not five miles later, I hear "tink-tink-tinkle-tink" and pull over. The left strap flew off and the 2000lb bus is being dragged on a dolly by one strap. Thought you checked them. I did. You didn't or it wouldn't have come off. Went to fix it, its wet, and covered in rat turds. You fix it. Did. Back on the road. Did I mention I still have no AC and its 96 degrees? Yeah. So back we go. Drive 20 miles until we reach Emory, at which point we see another small town carwash, free from witnesses. Pull up to the vaccum and spend two dollars sucking up rat turds. I pulled the tip off the hose, and used the open end to suck up everything I could. I gave him cans and sticks duty, and we filled up the trash can, and the trash can in the stall next to us. I vaccummed up rat crap until it stopped up the vacuum.


    This thing is still full of turds, and now smells like wet rat crap. I tied my shirt to my face to block the smell, and started getting paranoid that tiny particles of rat crap floating in the air were sticking to my still damn skin. My friend starts scooping trash out with his hands and throwing it on the ground until I stop him. No reason to mess up someone elses place worse. Back on the road.


    We finally find a place for fuel that I can pull up to with the bus in tow. Gas clerk wittingly advises me that I'm towing a big piece of shit. Thanking him, I get my chilli cheese fritos and leave. We finally make it back to Sherman, pull through his "to do" neighboorhood, and present his wife with the prize.


    She hits the freaking roof. Refuses to have the possibly rat infested, dripping wet stinking bus at the house. Fears retribution from critters. Alleges possible sicknesses caused by said bus, including but not limited to the rocking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu.


    Argument ensues, and Kirk stares at his feet, pretending to be interested in the passing actions of some insects. Most likely attracted by the smell of this bus.


    Defeated, and dejected, Mr. Dummy suggests we put this contraption at my apartment. Not likely. It ended up stuffed in a freinds back yard until further plans are made. He's out of town. Big suprise when he comes back.


    We went to the dollar store, got a sixer of bug bombs, and put them in the bus in hopes of killing anything still living inside this thing. Hope no one calls the fire department, cause it was smoking.


    I shower for 30 minutes in a frenzy, and immediately pass out, after 11 hours on the road.

    Long story shorter? A 71 Parts bus may appear for sale in the near future.

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