- Posted January 13, 2013 by
The Gnome Patrol A Post Constitutional Parody
Oh no NOT the Gnome! She says starting to shake. Yes, I'm afraid we've received complaints that your Gnome is not meeting the uniform code of Gnome maintenance. Let me see, oh yes, the paint is flaking from the hat, there is moss growing on your gnome, and it hasn't been rinsed off since the last rainstorm. I'm afraid you can't just buy a gnome, put it in your yard and forget about it.
You have a moral and legal responsibility to your Gnome and if it isn't resolved shortly you will be fined up to 500.00 and face up to a year in jail. I'm sorry but that's the law. While I was here I took note of some other violations that you need to also take care of immediately or face prosecution.
Your grandchildren used chalk on the sidewalk, that's a defacement of public property, there is an unlicensed bicycle in your driveway and we have reports of the owner not wearing a helmet while riding on the sidewalk. I hope the rumors are not true that you gave your grandson a super sized soda and french fries, that is against the law as you well know.
New York led the Nation on the permitting and licensing of junk food and when they refused to issue a license or permit possession, sale and consumption of junk food became felonies, plus it is a child abuse issue.
It's apparent that your Azaleas are in need of a supplement, they look sickly and have spots on the leaves. You haven't cleaned out the corners of your bird feeders outside and the birdbath has moss in it.
There is a hive of bees in the eaves of your garage, I need to know if these are wild bees or pets. If they are pets you need to have them licensed and it will cost you 5.00 per bee times an estimated 2,000 bees in the hive. If they are wild they must be registered with animal control.
There's a loose shingle on the house, the window casings have not been painted for a year and you're using rusty tomato cages in the garden. You have a parrot that can be seen in it's cage from the sidewalk, you have to block the view from the street, we don't want a child being able to watch the parrot defecate, that would just be indecent.
Now if you would step back I need to enter your house and inspect it for other violations, If you recall after the warrant less search act of 2013 was codified into law we no longer need to have a warrant to search your home as long as we are acting in our official capacity.
I hope for your sake that you have all cleaning solvents locked up in order to prevent accidental ingestion and poisoning of children, and that your medications are also under lock and key in the bathroom lest you face charges of narcotic trafficking in the event someone breaks in and steals your medication.
I notice that you purchased your home in 1975, you are hopefully aware that the home decorating division of our department is enforcing the ordinance against avocado green and burnt orange appliances and furniture, and I'm afraid I need to request that our fashion department stop by later today as your attire is nothing short of gruesome, it is offensive and must be dealt with post haste.
Well now, I see you have a crucifix on the wall, can you show me the permit for possession and display of a religious symbol? We do not wish to offend any atheists, or non Christians with such a display, and you should quite frankly make sure the cross that you have on that chain is tucked inside your shirt.
I could write you up for a indecent public display of a unlicensed crucifix but I'll talk with my supervisor since I see you do not have any previous religious violations of the code. You will need to however make a decision as to religious affiliation by Friday, the Catholic Church was determined to be a Hate Group, their leaders incarcerated, and properties seized.
If you do not designate a new affiliation before the end of the 30 day grace period you will be determined to be a religious zealot and stripped of your rights under the crown of the King of America.
Now I see that you have willingly had the RFID chip implanted and provided DNA to the National DNA database which will work in your favor, and when I checked your car the locator transponder seems to be working fine. Let's see, the Communications Division has made a note that your emails and phone conversations are within legal parameters, Officer Kang of the People Republic made a note that your actually quite a boring person.
Actually I'll never understand why they outsourced those jobs to China, we should as a Nation be the ones to spy on our neighbors, but I digress.
There may be some blowback however as I see that your husband was killed resisting the Public Safety Division when they attempted to confiscate his firearms back in 2014.
Your bridge permit is in order, please keep in mind that no more than 4 people can gather in one place to play bridge at one time. Lets see, yes your voting registration is current, and I see where you checked the box that allows the state to cast your vote in your best interests, OUTSTANDING!
I realize that this can be quite overwhelming for an elderly person, and I have requested that a social worker stop this week and help you fill out your self termination papers,
You will soon be turning 70 and must report to the Department of Sanitation since you will officially not have any worth to the Crown at that point and must be cremated. I have heard that they recommend that you pay in advance for the Afterlife Cocktail, its my understanding that those people who opt out are very uncomfortable when they fire up the ovens.
This year, and you will really like this, you can have your ashes placed in fireworks shells that are used in the celebration of our exalted King of America's birthday party for only 5,000.00 paid in advance of course.
Well I hope you have a nice day, what's that? You just said OH DEAR GOD! THAT is a Public display of faith, I'm afraid that is another ticket. So much for making 70. Hello dispatch I have 666 pickup request for Diane Smith.....................
See article Man billed for not removing Gnomes