I’m writing this letter to you, my baby, because I don’t know any other way to deal with the loss of you. I don’t know if I can use the term “Loss”, because in reality I didn’t lose you, I got rid of you. I will start from the beginning from when I first found out and until now......

I didn’t know you were in my tummy for as many weeks as you were, until your creation gave me a bit of morning sickness, not a bit, a lot baby, but that’s ok, that wasn’t a problem. To be truthful, I felt a bit numb when the thought of possibly being pregnant arose (prior pregnancy testing). I think that’s what they call shock, I didn’t really know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut and I did what I thought was best. For your daddy, and for me. Only did I not realize, that this feeling of immense sadness, loneliness and depression would overcome me. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy with these thoughts in my head. I didn’t know what it was or that this would happen. I mean I made that choice right? It was a decision that I made, nobody forced me or held a gun to my head. I just couldn’t do that to your daddy, he wasn’t ready for you (I wasn’t either, but that’s no excuse for me, for him its understandable).

I guess I should tell you a bit about the situation, maybe to help you understand why I did what I did…. I met your daddy through work, I was a journalist and he was someone I interviewed and instantly connected with. He is an amazing guy. Never been treated so well in my life, he treated me like a princess, so intelligent, handsome and caring. I’m sure you would have been fortunate enough to be blessed with his genes, because he was/is amazing, and no ones ever treated your mommy so lovingly. He was a bright light in my life, he didn’t know much about my life, I didn’t want him to know much, especially somebody I know will soon leave my life as soon as he came into it. I don’t know if its fear or embarrassment, I just don’t want pity or sympathy from anyone, I just wanted to be happy with him while I could, I didn’t want fake happiness where he did it only out of pity or sympathy. So he will never know how much he meant/means to me or what he did for me…..

When we met, he was promised to someone else, he was never fully mine. He belonged to someone else and was about to start a new life with a new wife, and eventually a new family. That just didn’t include you and me. We were too new to his life to have had any meaning, that’s not his fault baby, its human nature and that’s life.

What I did was wrong, I should never have intruded on someone else’s life, or done what I did to his fiancé. It wasn’t right. This is no excuse, but from the first time I met him, I fell in love. I’ve never met anyone like him or felt this feeling you would call “love” towards a man, any relationship prior to him, were mere temporary attachments. Just know that at least from my end, you were made from love, though it was probably the first time we were “together” that you were conceived. It Took me a while to start believing that the way he treated me was real. He was real. He was everything I wanted, everything that I surely thought I would never get or experience.

It doesn’t make up, doesn’t amount to even making up a little, as an excuse, to why I gave you up. But I just couldn’t do that to him. I just don’t have it in me to do that to anyone, to disturb anyone’s life, to burden them with my problems. Especially him, he works really hard, barely sleeps or eats. This was an extra unnecessary burden on him. I was the unnecessary burden, not you.

You… my beautiful unborn child, would have been coming into this world right around the time he is suppose to get married. That thought scared me.

That’s the story of how him and I met and the conditions of the situation when I was blessed with you being created inside me.

Now that I ‘ve explained a little, Now heres what I want to say to you. What I need to say. What I know deep down inside.

I am Sorry, so so so so so so sorry. I apologize a million times over and over again. I was 24 years old, about to turn 25 when you were in my tummy.

Now remember, none of this is an excuse baby. I know there is no excuse I could give to make up for what I did.

I should have kept you, I know that now. I should have let your daddy go, I should have let him be happy in his soon to be new life with his new wife. I should have quietly just left, not told him anything about the pregnancy. It wasn’t his problem, it was mine, because you were mine, you were my baby, in my tummy and I was your mommy. Suppose to keep you safe and protect you. It should have been you and me against the world.

Soooo many things scared me, if I had you, the thought of him and his new wife taking you from me, or just anyone taking you from me just because they might have a better family setting for you, or more of a financially secure home, with 2 parents. I couldn’t bare the thought. But none of those are excuses, because I should have fought, been ready to battle any obstacle or hardship that came in the way of me and you.

You deserved life, you deserved to have had an opportunity to live a life. I had no right to take that away from you. I’ve never been pregnant before, or close to being pregnant before, I thought I couldn’t get pregnant because of some things that were done to me in that past. You were my very first ever. So you will mean more to me than you will ever know.

There’s young teenage girls having babys at early ages of 13, so why is it that a 25 year old woman could not comprehend being able to support this child, emotionally and financially?

But at the end of the day baby, I would have made it work. I would have loved you more than anything in this world. I still do and will always love you, and as for financially, I would have made it work. Your grandma, although she would have been saddened by my decision to have a child on my own at 25 without marriage….. she’s a good woman, she would have made sure that I gave you everything you ever needed and more. She would do that. I know that. Because that’s my mommy. And I’m your mommy, so I shouldn’t have needed the help of anyone, I should have given you everything on my own and made it work. It was possible, it was more than possible. But I never gave that possibility a chance. I started to love you the first day I found out you were in my tummy, and grew to love you even more as each day passed.

But I want you to know, I need you to know, you’re mine, you’re my baby, even though you never saw life, you’re in my every thought, not a single day passes that I don’t wonder about you. Wonder how you would have looked. If you would have had my eyes or lips, or big ears like dumbo the elephant that I have, what your little fingers and toes would have looked like. The color of your eyes, the softness of your skin, how you smelt, your smile, your laugh. When and how you would have said mommy for the first time, or told me you loved me for the first time. Because I swear I do. You’re in my dreams and sometimes it feels so real, like I could reach out and touch you. In my dreams you have dark blue eyes that are almond shaped like mine, your skin is the most beautiful shade of beige with rosy red cheeks, chubby little cheeks they are. Dark brown hair, chestnut color, with 10 small fingers and toes, a little nose that looks like a cute little button. Its weird, because in my dreams, when I’m near you I get this feeling, even though I’m dreaming, when I awake I remember feeling this immense amount of happiness, honestly I’ve never felt that type of happiness or love in my life, I swear, I’ve never had that sort of feeling ever, so I know I would have loved you more than life itself…..

Sometimes I think about how it would be to be with you now, wherever you are. Sometimes I want everything to stop and I want to just be with you. I’ve thought many times about leaving everything behind, just falling asleep forever so that I could be near you. I love you, don’t you ever forget it, more than anything in this world. You are mine, only mine. I will see you again one day, and until that day I will miss you for every second that passes.

I don’t know how to deal with this,  but I’m trying and eventually this sadness will fade as years pass. I been through many difficult things in my life, dealt with suicides, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, torment, being degraded, fear and depression, rape, loneliness, exclusion etc… but I must say, losing you was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with ‘til this day, put everything else aside, all of that and more I could take and I did endure, and I endured it quietly, never asked anybody for help, just took it quietly. But you were something that was apart of me now there’s a empty hole. I thought this letter to you would help, they say sometimes when you can’t speak to someone who’s no longer there, to write a letter and just keep it, that way somehow they know. I needed you to know all this because I keep it all inside; you are the only one that I could say anything to. I’m sorry for not giving you life, my beautiful unborn child.

Love, Mommy.