- Posted February 8, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Not What I Signed Up For
It was, for me, supposed to help me get on with my life. A day later, I passed what the doctor missed. Thankfully I didn't get infected from an incomplete procedure. It was horrible to see what was left behind....I did this, to my child.
I cried almost nightly, begging God to forgive me. Panic attacks set in a couple of months later. I didn't connect it with the abortion until years later. I never finished college; the stress I felt after the abortion never ceased.
I wound up marrying that boyfriend...our relationship was plagued with issues. After the birth of my next child, severe post partum depression set in. A keen psychologist, at the hospital, asked me an interesting quiestion...."Have you had an abortion?" I thought to myself, how could this woman know?! I never told a soul! Well, I believe she knew well enough to ask me that question because I had many of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder....the thing people get from being traumatized in war...seeing killing...doing the killing....after all, that's what I did...I killed my child.
Many years passed, another child born, still plagued by the same symptoms...doing my best to live life. I finally was set free from years of guilt, fear, shame, recurring nightmares of the abortion, trying to tell myself I did the right thing for my situation just wasn't cutting it for me...I had violated what I was meant to be, a loving, caring, protecting mother...I went through post abortion healing. I give the Lord Jesus all the credit. I couldn't hide behind all my excuses anymore.
I am now free, not ashamed to share my story. Jesus offered me forgiveness....I've learned to forgive myself...I've received healing for the deep wounds that choosing abortion caused. I help other women now to find the same freedom and healing. Funny thing is their stories sound so much like mine. If abortion is such a good thing, why do so many hurt so badly, 5, 10, 20 years+ later? Denial can only work so long. So thankful I'm not where I was.