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    Posted February 8, 2013 by
    knoxville, Tennessee
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Have you had an abortion?

    Not What I Signed Up For

    I was 19, in college, thinking I had all my ducks in a row, as far as I had life planned. Until, that is, I found out I was pregnant. Too scared to tell my family, fearing they'd reject me or not take care of me. To them, I felt like I was the good girl and felt like I had a lot of my family's expectations riding on me. I was a nursing student, so I knew better. Fear had gotten the best of me, especially since my boyfriend didn't voice any support in taking care of me. So, I went through with it, changing my mind part way through, but told to shut up so the doc could finish...there was no nurse in the room with me to help me...the doc said she was concerned moms in the waiting room, who wanted their babies would hear me crying. It was cash, no receipt, no followup...in a doctor's office...it was 1987.

    It was, for me, supposed to help me get on with my life. A day later, I passed what the doctor missed. Thankfully I didn't get infected from an incomplete procedure. It was horrible to see what was left behind....I did this, to my child.

    I cried almost nightly, begging God to forgive me. Panic attacks set in a couple of months later. I didn't connect it with the abortion until years later. I never finished college; the stress I felt after the abortion never ceased.

    I wound up marrying that boyfriend...our relationship was plagued with issues. After the birth of my next child, severe post partum depression set in. A keen psychologist, at the hospital, asked me an interesting quiestion...."Have you had an abortion?" I thought to myself, how could this woman know?! I never told a soul! Well, I believe she knew well enough to ask me that question because I had many of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder....the thing people get from being traumatized in war...seeing killing...doing the killing....after all, that's what I did...I killed my child.

    Many years passed, another child born, still plagued by the same symptoms...doing my best to live life. I finally was set free from years of guilt, fear, shame, recurring nightmares of the abortion, trying to tell myself I did the right thing for my situation just wasn't cutting it for me...I had violated what I was meant to be, a loving, caring, protecting mother...I went through post abortion healing. I give the Lord Jesus all the credit. I couldn't hide behind all my excuses anymore.

    I am now free, not ashamed to share my story. Jesus offered me forgiveness....I've learned to forgive myself...I've received healing for the deep wounds that choosing abortion caused. I help other women now to find the same freedom and healing. Funny thing is their stories sound so much like mine. If abortion is such a good thing, why do so many hurt so badly, 5, 10, 20 years+ later? Denial can only work so long. So thankful I'm not where I was.
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